["Tilly may"]

I love my husband and our marriage is good, except that I am attracted to women and I want to live the life of a lesbian. I wont end my marriage as it would not be fair to my husband. I fantasize about women and I am sexually frustrated. I had an affair with a female friend, but she told her husband everything and now i feel exposed and he wants a threesome (no thankyou).
how do i satisfy my sexual needs? Is it possible to just pretend that I am kissing a woman when in fact i am kissing a man?

Heya..

Am sorry that you're going through this. But all I can say is that I don't think you'll ever be truly happy until you are honest and live a true life. Our sexuality is so very important. Sure, it doesn't make all of us, but its a large part. I also think that you being fair to your husband and being why you are staying is a little contradictory as it's not fair to have an affair.

I do not know if pretending will work, but I guess you already know the answer to that with the kissing.

I am truly sorry tho, as there is no easy answer. Someone is bound to be unhappy whatever your outcome - either your husband or you.

x

[Leed]

Hi Tilly ~ I know you are frustrated. And you've lived this way for a long time.

You are NOT being fair to your husband OR yourself. You are living a lie, sweetie, and it just isn't fair. Does your husband suspect? When the other woman told her husband, did YOUR husband find out?

You've put a lot of years into your marriage, and it would be a shame to throw those all away -- but what kind of a marriage do you really have? You say you "love" your husband and your marriage is "good." Do you have the kind of love that a wife SHOULD have for her husband? Do you two have a sex life? Do you two have any communication? Do you respect your husband? There can't be too much respect if you're cheating on him. But at the same time, you're living a lie.

Why have you decided after all these years -- after 23 years! -- to finally decide that you need to "satisfy your sexual needs?" This didn't just happen yesterday. I'm sure you've felt like this for a very long time. Why didn't you make a decision to leave, or whatever -- long ago???

Perhaps some counseling would help you. It certainly couldn't hurt. See a counselor, and he/she can help you with decisions you need to make. i wish you the very best! God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

["Tilly may"]

Wow, I really suck and am selfish.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by "Tilly may"

Wow, I really suck and am selfish.

I very much doubt that self loathing will yield any productive outcomes.

[shezbut]

I can imagine that you are in a tough spot.

Have you always had feelings for other women, or is this relatively new in your world? I can understand your attachment with your hub, regardless of your lack of sexual desire. It's hard to let go of something that's been a huge part of our lives...especially if you have children together.

However, it really isn't fair to either you or him to stay in this marriage without an open & honest connection. While you may think that you're doing him a favor by staying with him, I'm sure that he can sense your dissatisfaction on some level. Especially if you've been holding onto this secret for a long time.

I don't know what the right answer is for you, other than opening up to your hub & telling him how you feel. Maybe couple's counseling would help put spark back into your marriage. Maybe it's beyond that point & you need to end the marriage, and carefully follow your true desire/s. Holding these things inside of you won't help though ~ that I know.

Try not to kick yourself over this. Go with right now. Don't focus on the past. Instead, deal with the present moment. That's the only thing that we have any control over. I wish you the best!

["Tilly may"]

hamster you are right. thank you everyone . following ones true path is probably the best choice, even if it is hard.

[dollah]

Tilly May, I am not female but I can relate to your sexual preference. I craved other men (secretly - even to myself) for many years, continually denying that I could possibly be gay. I read pornography, watched pornography, read my then-wife's Playgirl Magazines (well, I didn't really "read" them.
Throughout our marriage I fantasized about men but never acted on it. Post-marriage, although I dated other women, my thoughts concerning men were still active. A woman I was dating asked me once, "are you sure you're not gay?" and I'm glad she did, because it gave me time to think. Finally, I reached out to another gay man and had my first taste of gay life. I'm pleased to be able to admit to being gay now and I'm in a wonderful relationship with another man at this time.
Please don't give up on yourself or call yourself names. If you are a lesbian, so be it; and if you need to act on it, I say "just do it."

I know this thread is old but I wanted to reply anyway...

I doubt you'll be able to keep this sort of thing a secret forever - are you completely unatteacted to your husband? Has he started questioning the situation?

I know if I was in your shoes I'd rather tell him before he found out otherwise...at least it shows you trust him enough to tell him the truth. He might be surprisingly accommodating....you've already had an affair though and if you plan on telling him this too I would be prepared to give him some space.

If you're actually happy in your marriage and are just having difficulty with sexual needs perhaps discuss an open relationship? Sometimes this works better than a complete marital breakdown. It might be a long shot but perhaps it's better than the alternative...I know of at least two people who have remained married but seek sexual satisfaction elsewhere. It's difficult to pull off I agree but you're only other option is to end things - and it would be fair to your husband, especially if you no longer want to be with him.

Just tread carefully and once you've decided what course to take stick to it...good luck.

"attracted to" does not mean you have to *act* on that emotion.

you are simply being tempted by evil.

Love this sinner, not the sin.