[reagan]

Since my wife and I started counseling, I have been trying as best I can to be positive and engaged in making things work (although it hasn't been easy) but I don't know if I see anything changing. We made it through the holidays pretty well and I was even starting to have a little optimism, then the weekend after new years we had a big fight again. It started out about something trivial, but evolved into an argument over having a baby again. Lots of being screamed at. I eventually screamed back at her, only to say "I can yell louder than you so stop screaming at me".

She continues to say that we can't go forward until I let all this go. She has said that my not wanting to have a child now is me effectively putting our lives on hold, and that we can't get better until I get past that. I need to be able to at least envision a life together with out fighting and screaming all the time before I can get past this, and certainly before I can even think about having a child with her. I know she has apologized, but I need to be able to see a pattern of a different behavior and I haven't seen that yet. And as the fighting has been going on for months at a rate of once every week or two, I think it's reasonable to expect that we can go at least a few months without fighting before I'm going to feel secure about it.

The thing is, being screamed at and constantly being anxious about when the next fight or disagreement is going to unfold, has me feeling so bad all the time that I don't even want to have sex anymore. She does, and outside of wanting to get pregnant, she wants us to have more sex for bonding. But on top of all the feelings about myself, she has told me that my wanting to wear a condom during sex makes her feel trashy. That makes me feel even worse! I don't want to make her feel trashy, but I don't know what else to do.

[sweepy62]

I think that bringing a child into an unstable relationship, is not the healthiest decicision. There are two sides to every story, but I do believe you are acting resposibly by avoiding any pregnancy at this time, while your relationship becomes secure, as its not fair to the child.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by reagan

She continues to say that we can't go forward until I let all this go. She has said that my not wanting to have a child now is me effectively putting our lives on hold, and that we can't get better until I get past that. I need to be able to at least envision a life together with out fighting and screaming all the time before I can get past this, and certainly before I can even think about having a child with her. I know she has apologized, but I need to be able to see a pattern of a different behavior and I haven't seen that yet. And as the fighting has been going on for months at a rate of once every week or two, I think it's reasonable to expect that we can go at least a few months without fighting before I'm going to feel secure about it.

Boy, I like how she says YOU have to "let all this go," but what is she willing to let go? You try to be positive and engaged - certainly she is not, as she is screaming. Screaming crosses the line. It's verbal violence, seems to me, and your views on it all seem quite reasonable to me. Apologies have a somewhat negative connotation if the offense keeps happening, seems to me. It sounds like she's saying the baby is the most important thing - even more important than civil discourse between partners? The demand for one value shouldn't crush another important value, but that's what is happening here. It's a real mismatch. Her terms seem quite unacceptable. If it were me and I accepted her terms, I'd always feel bullied by it, but YMMV. If a person can't stop screaming, they need to grow up, not have a baby!

[hvert]

Trust your instincts! Bringing a baby into this chaotic relationship would be unfair to everyone, especially the baby. It would also mean that you would all be locked into some kind of relationship with your wife for the rest of your life, no matter what happens to your marriage.

I have known women who lie about taking birth control in order to get pregnant. Not having sex with her would be the best thing. If you must, wearing a condom every time sounds very smart, as does checking it for pin holes.

I read one of your earlier posts listing her bad behavior. None of that sounded normal to me. It sounded awful, especially the part about the passport, the face cream, etc. She sounds unwell and abusive.

If your sister or a close female friend were being treated this way by a guy, what would you suggest she do? If the husband was telling his wife that she had to stop taking her birth control pills because it made him feel emasculated and showed she wasn't committed?

Sometimes it is easier to recognize unreasonable behavior when it is happening to someone else than when it is happening to us. I wish you the best of luck in this situation.

Don't have a baby until you are 110% on board with that decision.