[treehouse.keeper]

Hi,
This is one of my major issues right now. I was assigned a "family doctor" by insurance and I never saw him until my chronic depersonalization kicked in in early 2009. He gave me Ativan because to him it seemed like I just had anxiety (which I did, but that was only a symptom of the larger issue, which neither of us knew about).

I saw him frequently for several months before I realized I had sort of a crush on him.

I told him that I developed unprofessional feelings for him and he said it sounded interesting but that he is married and "bound by professional constraints." I asked him if I should see a different Dr & he said that it was my choice. I chose to stay with him as my Doc because he'd already been treating me for awhile at that point.

Fast forward like... 4 years now.
For YEARS he essentially just let me eat Ativan like candy. I would just take as much as I wanted and he would refill me anytime... he would listen to me like he was my therapist... he never was out of line or unprofessional in that he made an advance at me or anything like that. But his "saving me" from my problems and his always being there made me maybe fall in love with him?

I realized that this wasn't healthy. I am married and have children and everytime I would see my doctor I would just have feelings for him afterward that interfered with my home life. I decided to switch doctors because I just didn't know what else to do. Then I got into therapy so that I could "get over" him. I didn't want it to affect me anymore. And I didn't want him to be my drug lord anymore. And I didn't want to... I don't know... we were both married, he is a doctor for a huge corporation, it's just completely unrealistic even IF there WERE feelings. On every level its morally and ethically wrong.

My new doctor cut me down, waaaaaaaaaay down on Ativan. and the therapist helped me to understand that it is "okay" to have a wild imagination and a deep fantasy world like what I experienced with my doctor.

But it has been like 10 months since I've seen him last and I STILL can't get over him? I feel like he screwed with my head by giving me so much medication... even though I don't think for one second he was doing it out of anything but genuinely trying to help me function...

And I understand the REALITY is that there can NEVER be anything between him and I, EVER, PERIOD, for an endless list of reasons - so WHY can't I get over him/it?

[healingme4me]

I read your intro post. Which mentioned, divorce. So, I'll start there, with why and how, I feel a crush, could occur. Could it have been, positive attention, that you received, and a sense of someone having compassion, for you, whilst going through marital struggles, that led to a sense of attachment?

I am surprised, in this day and age, with all the knowledge of the addictive qualities of benzo's, that he allowed you, the patient, to determine how much of this type of medicine to take. That really sounds like a struggle. It's understandable, if there's any ounce of resentment, for that.

10 months, is a long time, to hold onto a crush, for someone you've not seen, in that long of a time.

What led, to the breakdown of your marriage? If you don't mind, sharing? Perhaps, reexamining that, will lead to a better comprehension, of why and how your feelings for this doctor, developed?

[avlady]

i think alot of people fall in love or just have feeling for doctors because they seem to be there for our problems and some are just comforting to know they are there. there are bad doctors out there but the ones that are good and have a good bedside manner are easy to love.as for this doc giving you atavan whenever you wanted it-that was not good, im glad you found a new doctor.