[bad times]

Hey guys. I’m sorry that this is a long post, but I’m having a bad time and wanted to share my experience with you. Here goes.

I had been with my boyfriend for what would have been five years in November. He was my first everything. The first guy I let so far into my life and we were great together. We had a few problems but always worked through them. Last October after my friends wedding I asked him what he saw for us in the future. He then confessed he hadn’t been happy for some time. We broke up for a while. I was miserable and wanted a face to face talk. That night we gave it another go. We had missed each other so much and he thought he had lost me. I made him promise that if he started feeling that way again he had to tell me and he agreed.

Everything seemed great. We talked all the time and pushed each other in what we loved. Recently he came over to hang out and seemed ok. Mid conversation he blurted out that he wasn’t happy again and didn’t love me like he should do. He did it again. After that time there were arguments and emails back and forth. First he didn’t know why and he felt like he couldn’t appreciate me. Then when I pointed out that I found out the first time was because his friend got married and he got nervous and the second time was after another wedding. He sent an email saying how we couldn’t talk like his friends (we did) I never pushed him to be passionate about what he loves (I was the only one that did, from saying “don’t worry about our date this weekend, you get to the workshop hon” or buying him books on guitar building etc)That I made him feel old (I tried everything to get him to have fun, even simple things like taking him to movies and dinners etc) That I didn’t notice he wasn’t feeling right (hard when they show no sign at all) and a real stinger for me was when he said we could pass the time with food or sex. That hurt. He was my first and sex was in no way “a way to pass time to me”. To think about this and all the times he said he loved me etc it now seems cheap and useless. The very night before he dumped me he told me how he missed me and loved me. Then he let me go.

I know it sounds big headed but I figure A girl that loves you regardless of the fact you worry about being short and balding, that gives up so much so you can pursu your dream, that draws comics fir you just to make you laugh, that loves your family and friends who also lovebher back, likes seeing you play videogames and cuddling on the couch with dinner and a movie and dressing up for a night out was a good thing.

It has been a few months now but it still really hurts. This was my first love. My best friend. The guy I thought would always be there for me and vice versa. But no.

He left in July. There was no contact. I deleted all ways of contacting him and went to uni.

He emailed out of nowhere before Christmas. He said he knew it was out of the blue but was wondering how I was and that he was worried about me. That he had wanted to contact me a long time ago but had been told by his friends to leave me be. I cleared my chest and told him what he did was beyond ****. That he was wrong and that I was all that and more.

He apologised. That he was ashamed of what he had written and he was wrong. That he had been bottling things up until it was too late. That he was so down he wound up taking out a loan and moving to the other side of the world for a few months. He says he wants to be friends but will totally butt out if it’s too hurtful. That theres no pressure.
He speaks about trying to be a better man but what gets me is that he couldn’t do it for me. That some other woman will get what I had deserved. I admitted the idea of seeing him move on to someone else that I know will never be as good as me yet will get the “new and improved him” is a kick in the heart.
That I was simply the catalyst to guilt him into being a good guy. He said as he was blocked from my fb he googled me and regularly checks my pinterest again pointing out it was simply to find out if I was ok. He said in another email he wasn’t writing to try crawl back and that he cared about me and respected me and whatever decision I made.

I wrote to him saying that the majority of his messages centred round apologising to me as a way to make him feel better and that I cannot fully accept his apology. He destroyed my trust. I was in love and would do anything for him without asking. It’s just who I am. Whether going out, sitting on the couch with pizza and a movie or encouraging him to hang with his friends, go to his workshop or relax and play games. And he threw it away for a reason I still don’t fully know or understand. I don’t know what to do so I asked him to leave me alone for a while. Try again in the new year,

Anyway, I expected a fight and he just apologised again. He admitted he still sounded like a selfish and that there was no pressure or time frame. That his hand would be outstretched if I wanted to take it.

I am just so confused. It almost felt like talking to the guy I used to spend every day with. My friend believes he is being manipulative and doesn’t understand why I would consider letting him back into my life. I feel so naive and don’t know what to do. This was a guy I didn’t go a day without hearing from him for almost five years. My other half and best friend.

Is he just saying he’s not crawling back? I have not spoken to him since his last email saying it was all in my hands now.

I’m ashamed to say that I am having a truly weak moment right now. I hate that I am still in turmoil and crying over this. I think even after all he’s done, I still love him. That’s why it hurts so much. And that although he keeps saying he cares for and respects me and he’s so sorry and doesn’t think all the things he wrote in the bad email anymore etc. I’m so confused. I can’t take this. I said to myself I would not contact him again. I’m so tired of fighting for what is important to me. Just once I want to be fought for. I want someone to hold me so tight the broken pieces go back together. I miss him so ****ing much. But it hurts more that I know he won’t make that effort for me. And that I wish he would. Or that even knowing I was the best thing in his life, he does even truly realise or feel anything other than guilt and pity.

But anyway. Thanks for listening. Any advice etc. would be greatly appreciated

[manwithnofriends]

if "" is how you are feeling right now, I can assure you, in a few days you'll have no memory of that event whatsoever and start a fresh, new journey in your life.

Oh, by the way, which Preston are you from? The big one in the UK, or one of these (CT/GA/ID/IN/IA/MD/MS/MN/MO/NE/NV/NY/NC/OK/TX/WA/WV/WI (x3)) in America?

[bad times]

Originally Posted by manwithnofriends

if "" is how you are feeling right now, I can assure you, in a few days you'll have no memory of that event whatsoever and start a fresh, new journey in your life.

Oh, by the way, which Preston are you from? The big one in the UK, or one of these (CT/GA/ID/IN/IA/MD/MS/MN/MO/NE/NV/NY/NC/OK/TX/WA/WV/WI (x3)) in America?

Ach I'm hoping. But after over 6 months it doesn't seem so. Sure, I don't cry all the time but I do think about it everyday.

I'm in the UK dude. Originally from Scotland.

[Rose3]

The love was in you. He is confusion - so maybe he is trying to crawl back into your life. No wonder you might feel confused. He didn't treat you very nicely. Wonder what he wants?

[bad times]

Originally Posted by Rose3

The love was in you. He is confusion - so maybe he is trying to crawl back into your life. No wonder you might feel confused. He didn't treat you very nicely. Wonder what he wants?

Ah who knows. I just know that regardless he would never just come out and say it. If he even was feeling that way.

He was a great guy. Just a coward. Skittish when it came to commitment I guess (though I never actually asked or pushed besides that one time I asked what he saw in our future. Foolish after all those years eh? :/

I moved to Preston to study for two years (which he was more confident about than I was. Telling his friends how his grandparents had spent a while only communicating through letters)
He is moving back to Scotland in April. But I will not be seeking him out. As I have done since the break. I was so tired of fighting for what was important to me. Just once, I want to be fought for. But it still hurts like hell. It sounds big headed but I find it hard that he could leave like that. I loved unconditionally and gave so much. Without actually wanting anything in return besides a cuddle.

Meh.

[bad times]

I have looked and listened to peoples views on how a person can stop loving. I still can't quite understand