[Stressedsad&confuse]

Last night my husband made it clear to me that he is not interested in getting help with our relationship. He thinks I'm the only problem therefore I should be the only one to get counseling. After trying to reason with him and him not even giving me a chance to talk I concluded that maybe we aren't meant to be. I looked up steps for divorce but I honestly don't have the means for divorce or moving out. I was thinking today on how to break it off with him and move into the guest bedroom. The only problem is my husbands the type of person that thinks everyday is a new day he's trying to cozy up to me and its taking everything I have not to fall for it. I love my husband very much and just don't know what to do...

[healingme4me]

Would you consider a marriage counselor, even if you need to go it, alone?

[eskielover]

It depends on what's really going on in your marriage. Sometimes if the things aren't that bad, you can learn how to live within what's going on & learn how to get what you need within the relationship.

I had serious financial issues with my H from the beginning....also refusing to communicate & he would lie either by not saying anything or saying things that were only 1/2 way true......only reason I tolerated him for so long was because I had my career to hide away in.....after I lost my career & couldn't get any other engineering position I went into a major depression......& at that point he drove our finances into the ground with all the hospitalizations I had from all the OD's because I couldn't financially get out of the marriage either.....& I hated him by that point (20+ years). I moved into the guest bedroom to start with after first moving out for a few months.

I cut off all physical contact at that point.....13 years of living like that before I was finally able to get out (my mother died.....& being the only child I got all the inheritance).....it's ironic because my mother kept saying what a nice guy he was & pushed me to marry him when I had realized before the wedding that there were serious personality issues I hated even then.

I have to admit, the freedom I finally felt once I left was the most awesome feeling I ever had in my life.....I could finally be who I had lost all those years.....& the bad marriage had pushed me to respond in a very negative way....don't know if I could have learned to respond better.....but I responded with my emotion of anger & it got so bad I was seeing red by the time I finally left.

You might try single marriage counseling to see if there is just a better way for you to respond to what's going on in your marriage & then work through that in helping you know what steps you really need to take.

I was going to therapy for my depression & anxiety & suicide attempts....but we all thought it was only related to my loss of career....never realizing just how seriously the bad marriage was causing my reactions & feeling trapped especially since I had no love for him from even the beginning.

I know how difficult it is.....& hope that you will be able to take the best steps possible to help you handle the situation you find yourself in.

[Stressedsad&confuse]

Thank you for your responses, it seems things have gotten a little better but I constantly find myself asking "am I really happy" that's the problem I don't know ... I am considering counseling I think it'll be good for me. I feel like we live in a world of whatever he wants and not what I want ...

[eskielover]

That usually indicates a lack of communication on both sides. If you are not making it known to him what you want/ need he will have no way of knowing. Mind-reading is never an option in a marriage neither is assuming anything. But it takes communication to achieve that & also being in touch with what makes you happy or not because if you don't really know how can you expect him to know what you need to make you happy.

It seems like for some marriage comes easier but that's usually because we aren't there to see the difficult times.

I came across a man that my H & i both worked with he commented that he thought everything was good with our marriage....he didn't see the behind the scenes things that are hidden within the home.

Therapy could not only help you learn more about yourself but also teach you better communication to be sensitive yet get what makes you happy & learn the art of negotion. DBT is really good for learning all those skills.

Wishing you the best

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