Too late?

My adult daughter is spoiled and unappreciative and blames me for everything wrong in her life - but I've contributed to it by enabling it for so long. Is it possible to fix what I've done or is it simply too late? Despite doing the things I did to *help* her (we went through hell with this kid, including her stealing from us and running away, and I simply didn't know how to handle it), I feel like I've failed her as a mom. I have a second daughter with whom I have an awesome relationship. I don't want to give up on the first, especially since I am partly (mostly?) to blame for the situation, but I think it may be a) too late and b) the best thing for her. I just wish she would let us see our grandson because that is breaking my heart and not good for him either.

Thoughts?

Oh, not having the relationship you would like with your daughter AND your grandson hurts.

I think you have to do nothing more or special with her than you would do in any healthy relationship - relate to her on an adult level, treat her with respect and kindness, look for her good qualities and praise/enjoy them, do not accept unacceptable behavior from her, ask for what you want (and realize you might not get it, at least right away), do not nag or criticize, and do not do for her what she is capable of and should be doing for herself (in other words, no enabling). I realize your daughter may not be emotionally healthy but that doesn't mean you can't be.

There is a program called Al-Anon in nearly every city. It is for families and friends of people with substance abuse problems. I don't know if your daughter has or ever has had a substance issue but in Al-Anon you will find many parents like you, letting go of their guilt over the past (a relief!) and trying to find the balance between loving their children who have problems and not enabling or accepting unacceptable behavior. You would get lots of support there in your efforts.

Thank you. I will look into that. It is such a heartbreaking situation. She flat out told me she has no love for me and that she feels that I don't love her which couldn't be further from the truth.

i used to be unappreciative of my parents until i had my son when i was 30. then i was able to turn things around in my head and see just how much my parents did for me and our family. i am the 2nd oldest of 13 kids. they couldn't possibly do more for us than can be imagined. i really appreciate everything they did and still do.

Things are exacerbated by her crummy boyfriend. We will not support him. Recently, she moved back into our home with our grandson to get back on her feet again. Then, she blamed us that her son was separated from his daddy because we would support HIM by allowing him to move in as well. (Daddy hasn't worked a day in his life.) She doesn't see it as HIS fault for not contributing to the family so that they could be together. It's OUR fault. She's 26 and her son is 4.5. I thought this would have resolved by now. She puts that crum-bum above everyone and everything else.