[SpazKatt]

Well... the other day I was packing up stuff to move back home . Anyhow, I got to my photo albums and started packing them up. My boyfriend grabbed one and started looking through it. A few minutes later he looked quite upset. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was upset that he saw pictures of my exes. And that it was MY fault he was upset because I had reminders of past relationships. I was shocked!

I don't take many pictures so I keep all of those that I do. His take is that since I've broken up with these boyfriends I should throw them out. That since I'm with him I don't need reminders of other people.

What most upset him was the pictures I had of one of my exes who was abusive. I was with this guy for 3 years... the 1st half was absolutely wonderful and we went on a bunch of fun vacations together (where the pictures were taken). and the 2nd half of the relationship was horrible. It's almost like there were two versions of my ex. I keep pictures of him because I like to remember the good times... because there were some really great times!

I am not sure what to think of the situation right now... what are the rules on keeping pictures of ex boyfriends...especially if marriage is in the picture? I asked my Mom and she only dated my Dad, whom she married so she said she never had that issue and couldn't help me out.

Also, I told him that I forgive my ex for what he did to me not for him... but for me. I feel that forgiving someone takes away thier power, and not letting something ruin your life. It's in the past and although it was terrible I don't want to forget it. My boyfriend became very upset and yelled that what he did is "NEVER FORGIVEABLE". He has been depressed and pouty whenever he is "reminded" of my ex he won't look at me or talk to me. It makes me feel like he's angry at me for getting into an abusive relationship.

Any comments or suggestions would help greatly! Thank you soooo much!!!

[Rhapsody]

Hmmm -

I can only speak from my personal experience - the one I had with my now husband of 20 years.

Just like you I was going through some old items that I had forgotten that I even had and my b/f saw a few pictures and an ID bracelet that I had of my last b/f before him - - - my last b/f had died in a motorcycle accident just three months before I meet my new b/f - - - and any ways he was very upset to say the least and asked me to get rid of all the items..... I held out until we were married and then I removed the items from my life, for I had started a new chapter within my life.

BTW - I do still have the articles posted in the newspaper of my old b/f death and I have kept his funeral pamphlet and MY HUSBAND is ok with that.... as I keep all these type of things of any one that dies that I once cared for.


LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

Um...

It sounds to me like your boyfriend is very insecure and he attempts to control you by expressing his insecurity.

Kind of a 'if you love me then you will make me feel better' thing to do...

Is he in therapy?

I'm just thinking that maybe you guys could benefit from some kind of couples councelling or something? Sounds like he could benefit from individual therapy too...

Your pictures are your pictures. I don't think that it is fair of your boyfriend to expect you to throw away or forget part of your life. It is part of your life. Part of your experiences in life. If he doesn't like it then he doesn't have to look at them...

He needs to learn to control his upset and frustration when he doesn't get his own way. So that he can be a better partner to you methinks...

I'm a bit concerned because it does sound like he has the potential to be controlling...

[biplol]

Well, I think there is a diffrence for when you are dating to when you are married.
When you are dating, you bring into the relantionship your experience and the only way you get those is going out whith people, I don't think it should be a big deal, but If you are engaged and really seriuos about marriage (with already a date) I think the pictures and his POV should be taken a little bit more. And I say that becuase when you get married, you keep those memories with you, but part of your compromise to the marriage is that you are not longer thinking about anybody else. For me, and I'm not a controling person, could be really hurtful if my husband to be had anylinks to somebody else.
Also, I think you guys need to tlak it over and find your own rules to the game, every couple is different and you need to feel confortable enough to talk about this.
Spaz, also, for what I read about him, can I ask, How old is he? To me he seems kinda inmature to me.
Anyway, PM me if you need anything ~hug~

[Perna]

There are no "rules" about pictures. These people were friends of yours (to say the least) and who cares if they were male or female! You get to save pictures of your friends and family for as long as you, personally, like as it's about YOUR life, not your boyfriend's. Tell him he's out of line butting into your personal likes/dislikes, loves and history!

[SpazKatt]

he's 22

[LMo]

I agree - he's out of line

[mssumom]

Please be careful before getting married......please take it from someone who started a marriage much like you are describing and lived 16yrs like that before divorcing and 5 yrs later he STILL tries to control every aspect of my life.
all I'm saying is take your time and the suggestion of premarital couples counselling is a good one.

(((((spazzkat)))))

[SpazKatt]

Yah I've brought up counciling and he seems to be alright with the idea, I told him he could pick the person.

Awesome :-)

I think...

That even once you are married... You bring to your marriage all your past experiences and the like too. I mean... Your past experiences are what makes you WHO you are and marriage is usually about loving someone for WHO THEY ARE and making a committment to be together. To try and throw away all ones past experiences... I'm not sure how / whether that can work...

I also think it is fairly natural to think about past relationships sometimes and the like. Obsessing about them or wishing they hadn't ended etc could be slightly problematic, but I don't see the harm in reminiscing. Or in fantasising about other people sometimes too. There is a difference between fantasy and reality. There is a difference about fantasising about doing things with people and actually doing things with people. Sometimes sharing those can be part of a healthy relationship (but it has to be reciprocal yeah).

I mean... Sometimes I do find people physically attractive. Doesn't mean I would sleep with them even if I had the opportunity, but it is true that I find them physically attractive. I might even fantasise a little... But that doesn't mean I would act on it even if I had the opportunity.

I don't see why those thoughts would stop all of a sudden just because I get married or otherwise make a committment to one person. I don't see why I should beat myself up for the thoughts / fantasies either... Cheating is cheating (kind of a form of lying by omission at the very least) don't get me wrong, but I don't see the harm in thoughts / fantasies unless they are obsessive...

[SpazKatt]

Thanks for your comments! I'm in no way obsessed with my old b/f's I just think of the good times we had. I would not be the same person without those experinces with those people.