More confused than ever

In the months since my fiancee kicked me out, I have realized that I was 90% of the problem. At least at first; in the end it was 50 - 50, but it was my behavior that led to the communication breakdown that led to the feelings of alienation and loneliness that she just couldn't take anymore. My quirks and foibles and emotional unavailability/ numbness led to her feeling unloved and unappreciated and her eventual withdrawal. I thought it was her bipolar, the reason for her silence, so I never confronted her. I just took care of the house and the kids and the business of day to day life, not realizing that I was taking care of everything as if it actually were a business and not as if it were a family.

And when she couldn't take it anymore, she threw me out. It was the isolation I guess, the hours I spent alone with myself that I started to see myself more clearly. I talked to some friends, I talked to my sister, I talked to a counselor and a psychiatrist, and it seems I have Asperger's. Sounds simple, but it's like walking around with a grab bag full of OCD, ADHD, bipolar, Avoidant Personality Disorder, and alexithymia.

So now the ex and I are talking. We always were because I couldn't just disappear from the kids' lives, but now we're talking about our issues, our needs, our feelings (as I slowly grow to understand mine). We're saying the things we needed to say a long time ago. I was thinking of this as all part of the healing process, but the other day she kissed me. At some point, I stopped her. I told her (and myself, cause the realization hit me as it was happening) "I can give you, I want to give you, everything I am, but it won't be enough. I can give you everything you want, but I can't maintain that. You need more than I can give. You deserve more than I can give."

After some time, she said, "Right now, I need you. Right now it's enough." not much more happened after that, but we have been talking and texting. She wants me to be at her place tomorrow. I know she wants sex, and I can't say I don't. But can this be done? Can we just have a physical relationship after having been emotionally involved, living together, and even engaged? Is this just desperation on her part? And if so, am I taking advantage of her, even though it's her idea, if I follow through?

A week ago, I was confused by anything emotional (I still am, of course), but now I'm confused by her expressed desire to *not be emotional.

I don't think you can have a 'just' physical relationship, not at this point. You are still emotionally caught up with her. She probably has her own emotional confusion around your break up. Adding the physical component back adds even more confusion to the mix.

If you want to reconcile, it sounds like you are moving in the right direction. If you want to get over her, it may be better to introduce more distance.

Yeah, probably not a good idea. I agree with Hvert on this one.

Hi Richard
I've got to just check in if you're SURE that it's only the physical side of things she's interested in. Any chance that there's still some emotional involvement going on with her after you two being so open with each other, even if she isn't spelling it out loud and clear?
It may not be that she wants things back exactly as they were right now after everything, it would only be natural for things to be on a different level now, but perhaps there's a chance that she's looking at where things might or might not go again?
Maybe run with that openness you both had and have a real talk with her about where this may lead/where she thinks it MAY lead.
But if it does come down to purely sex I've got to agree with the above, there's a good chance that one or both of you are going to get hurt given what you've said.
Alison

Well, I went, and we've talked. A little. It's honestly not just physical, but we aren't concerning ourselves with the emotional right now. There are/were other complications with us being together. Primarily, we can't keep going back and forth in front of the kids, so there's no being a couple (at least not openly) or moving back in together until the oldest is out of the house (in about two years).

Also, looking back, we never really dated. We were friends ; there was major attraction, but we never acted on it for over a year. One day, I was getting ready to leave town for a temporary job that could have been permanent if I wanted, and I had to know if I had a reason for coming back. So I kissed her. She met me at the airport when I got back to town ten days later. I spent the following night with her, and I never really left.

So now it almost feels like we've started on the parts we skipped over. We're exploring each other -- and I don't mean physically. There's a spark. Maybe it will fizzle, maybe it will catch. Maybe it will burn the whole place down. But I guess the same could be said of anything new; and I guess I have to look at this as something new.

Hi, sounds like a bit of a fresh start but with the benefit of lessons learnt from before. Just make sure you keep that openness between you. REALLY hope it works out for you. And you know where we are............

That sounds great! I hope it works out!

I do hope it works out too, now that you know why you've got some of the issues you have together, maybe together you can work them out, I have high hopes that couples that seperate with children CAN work things out sometimes. As long as there isn't abuse...its between the two of you, really, and of course, the kids.