My husband's grief

Hello
My husband to whom I've been married to for almost seven months lost his mother about 9 months ago. He was extremely close to his mother. I have been able to deal with his grief a little easier as time goes along partly because I've gotten more accustomed to his behavior and he is seeming to improve. He does do things that still hurts my feelings. He still does some different things that I havent' seen a grieving person do before such as wear a small pin with his mother's picture on it every day on his shirt and when he takes it off/puts it on he looks at it and says "I love you mama, I miss you" and kisses it. He also goes to the cemetery with his father every day and talks to his mother and does a Bible devotional there with his dad (my husband is a preacher). He is still very good to me and he stil pays attention to me. However, we do not get as much alone time as we used to because my husband's father goes pretty much everywhere with us. My husband and I are about to move into our new home which is two lots away from my father in law (still walking distance). My husband told me he doesn't want his father to feel lonely so he still wants me and him to visit his father every day and spend a lot of time with him. I am expecting our first child and my husband is very good about taking off work for my appts. I don't have any complaints about how he treats me. He is still intimate with me just like he always has been. But, it still hurts me when he talks about how great his mother is, how "shes the best person I've ever seen, the best cook, etc" I guess it's my own insecurities with me being a new wife. He tells me often that he couldn't ask for a better wife than me and I'm a wonderful wife. When he gets sad and cries, I try to stay with him and comfort him as best I can (I usually just hug him and don't say anything). He has gotten better about being in a good mood around me most days except on holidays and anniversaries, birthdays, etc. What can I do to keep myself from feeling jelous and depressed when my husband focuses so much on his mother and wants to include his father in our activities? I've talked to my husband about him going to counseling but he refuses. I also talked tohim about me and him having a "date night" once amonth but he acts like I didn't say anything. Like I said, he is a wonderful person and pays attention to me, but I have an issue with how I am no long the focus in his life. His mother is the main person he thinks about. I guess I feel like he cares more about her than me, even though he tells me he loves me at least 3xs a day and is intimate with me pretty much every night. Can anyone who has suffered the loss of a parent explain my husband's behavior to me? I haven't lost anyone in my family close to me (I still have my parents and grandparents and I'm in my 30s). So I have a challenging time sometimes understanding where he's coming from. I want to help him though, and I feel like sometimes I dont' do that. He tells me I don't understand how he feels because I can't understand due to not going through it myself.Any advice from anyone will be greatly appreciated! Jane

First, I want to say sorry that he's not agreeing yet to your idea about having an evening for the two of you. I wonder why he's not? And I want to share with you this link about the stages of loss and grief: 7 STAGES OF GRIEF - so hopefully there's something in here that'll help in understanding. A person might go through some or all of these stages, and in any order. Time-wise? Getting over the loss of someone significant can take time. Maybe your husband is worried about loss of his father too? - And maybe he's concerned about his father's well-being (the loneliness) - altho there might be some other ways for his father to deal with his own loss and grief. Sounds like your husband wants to include his father, but he hasn't really consulted you about this, so maybe it's time to find some balance? Hope things settle so that each person will feel ok. It takes time to get over the loss of someone.

Hi Rose 3. Thanks for your response. Yes, he told me he wants to spend time with father like he does because he doesn't want his father to be lonely. He says he wants to be there for his dad and for me too but he says he has alone time with me when we go to bed at night. We just moved into our house last night and we actually sat down and spent some time together before going to bed last night which was great. I'm hoping that over time, especially since I am expecting a baby, my husband will be less concerned about my FIL's lonliness.

It may be a little fear, too. When I lost my mom, it brought into reality that I wouldn't have my father forever. I spend much more time with not because of his loniliness as my fear of his dying. I wanted to spend more time with him so I wouldn't regret it when he was gone. He died two years later and I'm glad for every minute I was able to spend with him. My mom has been dead 5years and I'm not over it yet. However I don't take it as far as you husband does. I don't go to her grave daily etc. Give him time.

His grieving seems extraordinary. My mom was my heart and when she died I grieved but moved on. Did he have unresolved issues with her? Does he feel guilt? As a preacher one would think he would find solice in the fact his mother is now with God. There is some underlying isssue here that he needs to address but what? I wouldn't want my father in law every day so don't feel bad about that. Is there a senior center near by where he could get active in? Does he have any friends he could spend time with. Hopefully this daily involvement will be temporary. I can see how all of this could be too much. You're going to have to concentrate on being good to yourself cause you can't change what they do. Keep posting here. It's a great place to vent. I'd be having fun decorating if I were you.

It may be helpful for you to give him an opportunity to feel his feelings, and give him some space to do so. He is telling you the truth, when he says you don't know how he feels. Grief, is different for each person, and a process to enter into and go through.
I'm sorry this is challenging at this moment, it is very hard not to be able to help the ones we love an care about when they are hurting.

Take good care of yourself, and your husband will appreciate you even more.

Grief does affect different people in a variety of ways. My childhood friend and myself, are like two polar opposites in how we've grieved losing our moms. My bf is similar to myself, yet, I'd venture to state that I talked even less about it, than average. Yet, his childhood friend and myself, both from what I've been told, kept pretty tight lipped, about our mom's after death. Three years, later, well, almost four now, I am more apt to mention her, more often, than I had. Did I love her, terribly? Yes. Miss her? Yes. Did she and I reach a peacefulness, in her death? Yes. This could just be your husbands way. Is this, a bit of family tradition, for him? A learned reaction/behavior? Is this, just the way, his family grieves?

It hasn't been a year, yet. If, after the one year anniversary, and this is a daily repetitive pattern, perhaps, then, would be a good time, to have this talk, with him, about revisiting the counseling topic.

My concern, for you, is the dismissiveness, of the monthly 'date night.' That's important.

Congratulations, on your soon to be, new family member, your child!