[nojoy]

Well, I'm out of here. It's what I wanted, but, I feel so sad. I am even beginning to second guess myself, but, the situation is beyond repair anyway. We are sleeping in separate rooms, not talking, nothing, It is a living hell.. I went out the other night and got home late, around 1am. I was with my friends, well, now I am a slut and a no good *&^(), you know all the names. Anyway, I have put in for a transfer back to my hometown, I will know Monday, but even that, it won't go into effect for at least a month...I can't afford to move anywhere else and then move back there, so I have to stay here...and that is HURTING so much. Not only that, I know that he is hurting too, and that hurts me. There is just to much pain here. I don't have any friends I can stay with so that is out, I haven't made good enough friends living here to ask them, plus I would have to put my things in storage and i need all the money I have to move back home.
Why am I feeling so bad? In a strange way I think I stayed out later than I said I would only to create a scenario where he would want me to leave, ya know that way I wouldn't be the bad guy,,, do you think that is possible?

[Audrey]

nojoy, just the fact that you know that he would have a problem with you being out late is not good. Are you not aloud to have a life? From what you said from your post it's not like he's upset that you were out late because he wants to hold you and he misses you. I'm really sorry to hear that you are having such problems though. I always like to think that there is hope, but you know the situation better than i do, and even i understand that some things are beyond repair. (Although people do surprise me) Well anyway, i just want to say, don't blame yourself. It's not going to do any good to put blame on anyone actually.

[nojoy]

Thanks all for the support,,,really need it. Anyway, of course last night he wanted to talk,,isn't that a surprise!!! Well, he got to say what he wanted, what he expected of me, how he felt about me staying out to 1am in the morning,,,ect, ect. When I tried to tell him how I felt about things in our relationship he just kept saying " what's that got to do with you staying out",,I finally just told him never mind,,I'll keep my feeling to myself, at least they are safe there. Oh, and that I have to EARN the things I want from him, I am no longer deserving. Heck,, I've been waiting a long time for things I deserve from him. Same ole story, I am not trying to make this my home, all I think about is having fun. Well, yeah, I do. It is my time to have fun, my kids are gone, I work hard, go to school. so yeah I WANT to have some fun in my life, and if that means going out with the girls, than that is what it is. I don't complain when he hunts for 3-4 months out of the year and that interrupts our lives, we can't do anything or go anywhere cuz he has to get up early, yada yada yada. That is his fun.. Long story short...we are talking, but that is ok.. I confirmed my transfer, it will be at the end of April...HE DOESN'T KNOW IT!!! and I am going to keep that way. I will survive until then.

Funny,, up until last night I was really torn between my heart and my head, but now, there is no question. Nothing will ever change, at least not with him, I would bet anything on it, EXCEPT MORE TIME. Ya know, it felt kinda relieving, to finally see the way things really are. I guess I had to let my heart hurt, to feel the love I do have for him to realize it was the love I had for the man I met I was feeling, not the man I know now. I am not happy here, doesn't matter how I feel, I will never be happy living here in the middle of nowhere with no one. I'm not a loner and I've become one and I am not comfortable with that, which means I am not comfortable with myself, and that isn't right. I liked who I was when I met him, I don't like who I am becoming living with him.

I don't like being sneaky like this, I will tell him I am moving about a week or days before I go. Live will be easier for me this way and I need that, I have to do good in school, I have final essays to start writing, I need a clear head or at least somewhat of one. He will get over it, and I will too! We will be hours away from each other which will make it easier as well.

Well, I will keep you all posted. Thanks so much again....