Isolated and Poor-Quality Friends

For many years I've noticed this subtly but over time it gradually becomes a bigger problem in my life, and now I am at the point where it has completely consumed me. I don't know much about my peer's relationships with their own set of friends but I imagine what I'm going through is not normal, as I don't directly notice (or subtly notice either) any negative reactions on their behalf to indicate they are suffering from what I am suffering from.

The struggle I am experiencing is that I am extremely isolated. I moved to a city for a promotion and got the promotion, but at the expense of not knowing anyone here. Over the past year and a half I have experienced extreme difficulty in meeting people. I am taking active steps to socialize and develop friendships but I have noticed here that it is usually one-sided. After experiencing this I began to look back on my own past friendships and discovered the same pattern.

Some things I am trying to do in order to get out and meet people include offering to go out for wings/beer/sushi with two of the only real friends that I have; going out by myself on my days off and having a beer at a pub; not wearing headphones when I'm outside anymore (nobody can talk to you if you can't hear them).

People put walls up in public. It's a natural thing to do of course, but you can really see it if you know where to look. Just try very briefly and casually, smiling at someone on the bus. In my experience you get a horrified look. They tense and wait for the physical attack. You've just ruined their day.

As a result of isolating myself (I had to move here for a promotion, and now I'm in a city where I don't know anybody who is willing to be a real genuine friend), I've had to rely more heavily on social networking sites. On FB I've noticed that almost all of my friends refuse to respond to me. I've discussed this with others and they scoff at me for being insensitive and not understanding that people have lives of their own. I'm sorry, but when it says that they have seen your message, and they take literally weeks to get back to you, or not at all, and this happens on a regular basis, not a fluke, yet they have more than enough time to make status updates and comment on photos, it is clear as day. They purposefully refuse to respond to you.

I can not help but feel that I am just whining about this, but I really do not believe that this is genuine friendship. I have been very slowly over the past month convincing myself that these people are not good enough for me and do not deserve me. I'm so sick of feeling rejected by the people I once thought were my friends. I suppose the purpose of me writing this rant is to get feedback on specific steps I could take to either make myself more approachable or perhaps things I could do to increase the likelihood that I will meet more people.

Hello and welcome to Psych Central!

I know what you mean by having problems making good friends. Are there any organizations/clubs where there might also be new people to your area? Sounds like you need someone who doesn't already have esablished friends.....

phoenix - it sounds like you are already working pretty hard already on the friend thing. It also sounds like what you may be yearning for is acceptance, connectedness, and intimacy. Small groups are the easiest place to get to know people in a more intimate way ... maybe through an interest you have, sports, a hobby, or club as Tavelinglady mentioned. It takes time to develop an acquaintenence into a friendship.

One of the best ways to get to know someone once you've made contact is to show some interest in them i.e. ask them some questions about themselves. There is an old classic book on this - Dale Carnegie's 'How to Win Friends and Influence People'. I think the information there is mostly still relevant.

Keep an open mind - there may be some older folks who would be open to friendship. I am in my 50's and in the last two years have become friends with two women in their 80's.

Best wishes - we all need connections.

Hey, I have had problems with people not replying on Facebook as well. Then they say, oh their kid was on their account or something. However, when some of them got back to me, they told me about tough times they were going through. They told me about break ups or divorce or suffering in general. These people you know on there may be experiencing stuff that is true. Yes they should tell you, "I'm going through some stuff can we talk later?", but they may not have those kind of communication skills.
The more you try, the more likely you will meet people. Do you eat in the break room at work for lunch? You might want to do that and ask how people are doing and introduce yourself. Ask how their day is going..just small talk at first. Maybe you are eager for a friendship, but they are weary and need to take things slow.
The cultural dialect and mannerisms may be different as well. As an example if you moved from Texas (a generally friendly type of state with people who are at the very least curtous to others) then you move somewhere else you may be judged for "being" certain ways, like "overly friendly" or whatever other labels that people wanna stick on you. Maybe the problem is they are judging you before they really get to know you. Maybe if you show them you are just there to make some friends and do your job correctly, then they will slowly open up.
I think we have to think of our own need at times, but people are being inconsiderate to you by not responding. That fly's all over me too. Just know that there really could be a legitimate reason for that.

I hear you! I've been having the same problem. After basically going through this for years, I've decided I'm done.

None of my friends who I've known for years ever contact me. The odd time I DO get ahold of them... the entire conversation is about them. There is absolutely no evidence to me that they even care about me or consider me a friend. Unless they need something from me. I've recently decided that I'm done. I'm not bothering to contact them anymore. I've told a few people about this and they all sort of scorn me and say the same things that you've heard - that people's lives are busy. Yeah. So is mine! I still make some time for people. And quite frankly... friendships need to go both ways. And it's not like I've decided to stop bothering after a month or so... it's been WELL over a year of effort on my part. Those aren't friendships.

I'm also in an isolated mining community. I don't think Sudbury is as transient or as small as my community, and you've at least got options on where to go! If you're not tooooo stressed out about joining things, join some sort of a club or try to start conversations with people at the gym if you go. Sort out who other new people are at work and put more effort into knowing them - they might be feeling just as isolated and yet might be trying really hard to seem like they've got their act together.

Wow, so apparently I don't get email notifications when someone replies to this thread.

Going to interest groups is definitely a good start. This is a very small city but I'm sure I can find something worth seeing. I'll have to keep better tabs on the online newspapers to see if there's a social event happening.

I was thinking about also seeing if there are any singles parties happening. Probably closer to the summer of course, but hey, that's how my dad met my mom - he took me to one with him when I was 6 or 7 and that's where he met her. People there were very friendly - I mean that's the whole point. It would be a good idea. A friend of mine is also interested in this, so maybe he'll host one and we can set it up. He also is looking to make new friends.

At work, we all just eat at our desk or go out to eat. There's no break room. And people here are too busy to hang out for the most part. I've approached several people before on a few occasions but nobody seems very receptive to breaking out of the trance of life.