[Buffal0gal]

Recently I had a breakdown. I am bipolar with anxiety disorder. I was in a psychiatric hospital for a week at the beginning of the month and soon I will go back to work. (I am lucky enough to work from home while I get back on my feet).

My daughter and I have been really close for most of her life, her father died when she was 2 and its been the two of us ever since. Lately, she is just awful to me. She is 19 and thinks she knows everything but she makes me feel terrible about my illness, she doesn't say anything but its how she acts. She barely spends time with me and she has to give me my meds because I wanted to overdose a few weeks ago and she acts like its a burden. I have to have my sister help with dispensing my meds because my daughter will go out and not give them to me.

She is a good kid, she goes to work and school. but i am just so disappointed at how she has acted in my most recent episode.

has anyone else experienced this?

[River11]

Hi Buffalogal. Sorry for your difficult time.

And I know how it feels hurtful when our children pull away. But from what you've said, it seems to me that maybe your daughter could simply be feeling overwhelmed and doing a bit of normal mini-rebellion to have a bit of space and feel that she's claiming her own life. Natural phases of growing up.

And even though it's understandable that you required her to dispense your meds in the situation, perhaps it's also understandable that she may feel some resentment about having to be in a caring role for her mother. It's good you have your sister to help with that at this time.

I hope things are improving for you

[laikashuman]

It really sucks that you're going through this right now.

I can completely relate. Before my diagnoses, I had many horrible violent manic episodes and it really changed the way my husband acted towards me. I was physically hurting him and emotionally draining him, too. With years of work between us, I came to the realization that the only reason he did that was because he needed to back off a little to protect himself from emotional damage. It really felt like resent and anger at the time. Things were very awkward and he really took a step back from "taking care of me." I had to learn to become self-dependable and monitor my own meds, symptoms, and such.

I believe it's possible that she's just pulling back to feel a little bit more normalcy to do her life, too. Overwhelmed, probably. I would mention it to her and tell her that you don't hold anything against her and that you feel she might be resenting you. Plain, honest, and simple conversations can fix/alleviate some of the tension.

[growlithing]

I'm a 20 year old girl. I have lots of friends who are 19 year old girls. I think what you need to try and recognize is that there is a difference between someone resenting someone else and resenting someone else's illnesses. She probably resents your current condition and wishes things would go back to normal but not you. I do resent my own mother because of what she has done to me throughout my childhood. I hate being around her and I hate myself when I'm near her. However, one of my good friends has an ailing mother. They have a great relationship. He resents her age and illness, but still loves her and doesn't resent her as a person. And it probably is a burden because being in school and working is very hard without having to take care of your mom. But the condition is the burden, not you.

All of this also must be very stressful on your daughter and I could imagine she might feel like all of her needs aren't being met or feels like taking care of you is a boundary violation in her mind. If you can't quite meet your own needs right now, it's okay that you can't meet hers yet but just try to continue to be a loving soft place to fall for her because none of my friends don't want a mother anymore. We all still want someone older and wiser to help guide us. I look for mother figures in other people because my mom is a horrible person but I'm not free from wanting a mom. She might need to talk to a therapist about all of this too because it must be stressful on her. It isn't your fault though. You both are victims to this disease. Maybe have your sister continue to dispense your meds if it is making your daughter feel really uncomfortable.

As you improve, I'm sure the two of you will grow closer together. Maybe you'll both need some help or maybe not. Just try not to take all of this too personally. I understand that it must be hard though

[bookmadness]

Hi Buffalogal--

I'm so glad to hear that you are starting to feel somewhat better, and that you are getting back on your feet.

I have a school age daughter and she knows very little about my illness(es), though we are very enmeshed and spend much of our time together. Part of me does not want to overwhelm her with too much when she is not ready, while the other part of me wished the world treated mental health issues just like other health issues and it would seem so non-chalant, like my mentioning I had restless leg syndrome.

My spouse however? He has driven me to the hospital, seen me at my worst, watched me test out all the various med combos, and Drs, and I'm afraid he is just worn out my all of it. Reading your post (and growlithing's) makes me realize that maybe it has more to do with our illness than us? At least I hope so.

Maybe for now just think about this: despite the attitude your daughter is there helping you how she can, as well as going to school and work. (You've done an amazing job!) Her griping about it might be a way to displace some of the stress that she is feeling. She might be fearful of dispensing the meds because you are her only parent remaining?

Thinking of you--
bookmadness

[Buffal0gal]

Thanks for the advice all. I was thinking along the same lines as you all and talked with my therapist about it. I have since taken back control of my meds and there is NOTHING she has to do for me. I am hoping with some time things settle down. I know she loves me, we have always been very close but she has a cold streak a mile long in her. This morning she told me I was being psychotic because I asked her for money for a bill that SHE owes ME. I guess thats normal spoiled kid crap but to throw the "crazy", "Psychotic" and "Take a friggin pill" comments out is really hurtful. UGH.

[River11]

Ugh indeed! Teenagers can be so bitingly nasty, can't they? I know how that hurts, esp when there has also been real loving closeness.

Glad to hear other things, esp your feelings about them, have improved. Good on you for doing so well through it all and coming so far!


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[healingme4me]

When biting words are tossed at you, I feel, part of the hurt, because it can feel shameful, to have a diagnosis of any kind. At the same time, you aren't the only person on this planet, to have what you have. Remind yourself, in the moment, maybe the part about having a mental illness in your medical chart, is correct, at the same time...think to yourself, at least, or even say outloud. "Don't talk to me, like that. You have no right to talk to me like that."

Guess I am trying to say, don't buy into the shaming aspect of being told to take a pill or whatever she says. Don't be ashamed for what you have, is a start. It just is. Demand respect, don't let anyone 'hold' this over your head. You aren't so different than the rest of the universe.

[hayleytheherbivore]

I can relate from both sides of the spectrum, but I am not a mother.

It can be difficult and scary when a close friend or family member is struggling with mental illness and being suicidal. Sometimes we don't want to believe it, so we push it away with anger. That anger becomes toxic and may lead to lashing out because of fear or annoyance because they may not understand. I can tell she doesn't want this to be happening to you and it probably frustrates her which could be why she acts so catty.

With my suicide attempts, I have hurt many many people in my life including my family. They've acted out in anger and hurtful words and actions which made things worse on my side and overall made our relationship more damaged. She could feel hurt or abandoned by your struggles which isn't your fault. Your intentions and suffering aren't being perceived by her the way you wish.

Have patience, give it time. Let things settle back to normal. And communication is always key. It would be wise to express your hurt in an "I-feel" statement, avoiding using "you" in your sentences so she doesn't feel accused and will be less defensive.

[nocrzytrain62]

She wants her mom back. She doesn't want to have to take care of you. If you have a street puppy attitude you will be treated like a street puppy. My daughter was the same way--it's very normal. The stronger you get the greater you will see a change in her.
She sees you in herself--every daughter does. And if she sees you going wackadoodle she wonders if the same can happen to her. No child wants to take care of their parents ESPECIALLY AT 19.
The greater your work at self healing and getting stronger this will turn the tide with your daughter. It did with mine and now we are closer than ever.
hope this helps

[Buffal0gal]

Originally Posted by hayleytheherbivore

I can relate from both sides of the spectrum, but I am not a mother.

It can be difficult and scary when a close friend or family member is struggling with mental illness and being suicidal. Sometimes we don't want to believe it, so we push it away with anger. That anger becomes toxic and may lead to lashing out because of fear or annoyance because they may not understand. I can tell she doesn't want this to be happening to you and it probably frustrates her which could be why she acts so catty.

With my suicide attempts, I have hurt many many people in my life including my family. They've acted out in anger and hurtful words and actions which made things worse on my side and overall made our relationship more damaged. She could feel hurt or abandoned by your struggles which isn't your fault. Your intentions and suffering aren't being perceived by her the way you wish.

Have patience, give it time. Let things settle back to normal. And communication is always key. It would be wise to express your hurt in an "I-feel" statement, avoiding using "you" in your sentences so she doesn't feel accused and will be less defensive.

This is great advice! Thanks so much!

[Buffal0gal]

Originally Posted by nocrzytrain62

She wants her mom back. She doesn't want to have to take care of you. If you have a street puppy attitude you will be treated like a street puppy. My daughter was the same way--it's very normal. The stronger you get the greater you will see a change in her.
She sees you in herself--every daughter does. And if she sees you going wackadoodle she wonders if the same can happen to her. No child wants to take care of their parents ESPECIALLY AT 19.
The greater your work at self healing and getting stronger this will turn the tide with your daughter. It did with mine and now we are closer than ever.
hope this helps

Thanks for sharing, this give me a lot of hope!

Originally Posted by Buffal0gal

Recently I had a breakdown. I am bipolar with anxiety disorder. I was in a psychiatric hospital for a week at the beginning of the month and soon I will go back to work. (I am lucky enough to work from home while I get back on my feet).

My daughter and I have been really close for most of her life, her father died when she was 2 and its been the two of us ever since. Lately, she is just awful to me. She is 19 and thinks she knows everything but she makes me feel terrible about my illness, she doesn't say anything but its how she acts. She barely spends time with me and she has to give me my meds because I wanted to overdose a few weeks ago and she acts like its a burden. I have to have my sister help with dispensing my meds because my daughter will go out and not give them to me.

She is a good kid, she goes to work and school. but i am just so disappointed at how she has acted in my most recent episode.

has anyone else experienced this?

I think a big part of it is that she's your daughter and you're relying on her to keep you in check. She probably resents the responsibility and you can't be trusted with your meds. Your daughter should never be put in that position. She's 19 and is going to feel like spreading her wings in the first place, so encroaching on her need for independence is causing strife.

this

I have to have my sister help with dispensing my meds because my daughter will go out and not give them to me.

makes it sound like you're expecting her to be your caregiver. She should be going out and enjoying life whether you like it or not. Give her some space and freedom and she'll be more likely to come back around.