Feeling Restless

I've been with my husband for close to 6 years, and we've been married for almost 4. I work full time at a job where I've been for 5 years and am no longer challenged, nor do I enjoy it. I'm in grad school full time.

I've recently found myself extremely restless, in every area of my life. The one that worries me the most is in my relationship. I find myself contemplating if I'm capable of having an affair. I like to think I'm not, but now Im not sure. Actually I'm pretty sure I could. I would never be able to keep it from him, which basically means it would be the end of my marriage. I love my husband, and when I think of the future, I see him. But we work different shifts, which means I never see him during the week. And coming home to an empty house all the time isn't helping the restless.

I've been honest with my husband how I'm feeling, but it bothers me the feelings I have are still so strong. Feeling like I'm hitting my head against the wall.

I'm sorry things are going badly. /: I hope you figure it all out in due time.

It sounds like your big, immediate problem is loneliness. If you are working full time and going to grad school full time, you are putting yourself under an awful lot of pressure. It sounds like you are disillusioned with the working part.

Big ambitions require big sacrifices. Maybe you've gone too far in wanting to have it all. Can you afford to stop working till you're out of school?

Ending your marriage could also lead to loneliness. Be careful about being "honest" with your husband. He may be hearing that you "honestly" don't feel convinced that he is worth your while. That won't improve the marriage.

Did you meet someone you became interested in, or are you contemplating an affair with someone you haven't yet met?

After 6 years of knowing someone, the initial honeymoon phase is definitely long over. The thrill of newness with someone else might seem appealing, but that wouldn't last forever either. Think it over carefully. You may be just getting burnt out on being over-committed on too many fronts. If a commitment has to be reduced, don't think of the marriage commitment as the most expendable one, unless the marriage really isn't all that great. Maybe the two of you need a mini-vacation.

I haven't met someone new, not really. I've befriended some people online and there is one I've really connected with. But they live ridiculously far away.

Husband actual planned a trip for us in a few weeks. Its just an overnight trip, he's keeping the details a secret from me, but my friend who is staying at our house while we are gone says its perfect. We just have to make it till then. My husband has started to shut down. He's not used to having to take care of me like I currently need. We are making a point to connect more with each other lately but with us only really seeing each other Sat & Sun, its hard.

I'm trying hard to fix my marriage because I know if I can get that under control then the rest of life is more manageable.

Glad you're looking forward to a get-away. Maybe it will give you a needed boost. The two of you will have a new experience to talk about. That can help a lot. While you have this much commitment in your life, I think you are going to feel stressed and wanting some kind of "out." It's amazing you can do as much as you do.

I definitely think that a trip out of town is a good idea, it would give you a chance to reconnect and get away from the stressful life you seem to be leading.

As for the day to day loneliness, do you have any friends or family that you could talk to? It would definitely be better to find a confidant than to start an affair that could potentially ruin your marriage.

*Sad smile* I'm not managing all that I have very well. I used to write stories and poems as an outlet for all of my feelings and emotions. But I've had writers block for a long time now. Hoping I can work thru that and use writing as an outlet. Maybe use that as a way to work thru this restlessness.

I regularly talk to my friends. I just dont see anyone. I don't have much time in the evenings after work before bed. I come home, eat, decompress for 30 minutes and then its bedtime.

Im doing better with not thinking of having an affair. Im close to someone Ive befriended online but there is no way for us to ever start anything. And my husband and I are making more conscious efforts to connect with each other. So thats helping some.

Yup. Been there. Writing was my outlet for my restlessness. I threw myself in with both feet and it helped. It also introduced me to a friend online and...despite the distance, what transpired amounted to an emotional affair. Be careful of the connection you are making, because you could be putting yourself in the same situation. It's also feasible that something could start between you and an online friend - distance isn't always an issue and you'd be surprised the lengths people will go to if they're determined.

I'm certainly not judging you - I just know what kind of pain I've been through (and still go through occasionally) over my choices and the loss of that friendship.

Having said that, my experience made me re-evaluate my relationship with my partner and now, it has never been stronger. I make the effort to ensure that we do something meaningful together every now and again. Even if you are only together on weekends, the connection can still be made. I assume there are no children involved, which is helpful considering how overextended you seem to be.

I worked two jobs while in undergrad, and continued with the same level of work during grad school. I eventually had to cut back. Going part time in either of your ventures might be the kiss of death for whichever you choose needs to be cut back, but it might save you your sanity and your relationship.

Thank you for that reminder. Its come to my attention recently I should be more careful with my online friend than I have been.
My husband and I have made a point to communicate more. Touch base more. Its been going better, but we are still really struggling. But we both seem to be on the same page again so there's that

Our marriage has been almost the same as what you are talking about. My wife and I have been together for 12 years and married for 9. So for the ups and downs ya I know them. Especially being bipolar, we both the way downs and the way ups. There have been a few times during bouts of mania when sex was all I wanted or could think about. But luckily for our sake we as a couple have never before had a problem finding time. Then I started my new job, 12-13 hours a day away from home 6 days a week. It felt like I was gone more than I was home, which I was if you count the little sleep I got. But the schedule worked for me, I was constantly going and going, until I got depressed. But back to "us" we always found just a little bit of time, even if it meant in the garage. Then came the therapist. Things got bad for some reason, much like me our marriage has its cycles. It gets high then gets low. I even told our therapist some of the bad and violent things I wanted to do to my wife. One night I called the state police on myself because I was afraid I was do something to her. But all this has changed because I finally told her how I really felt. If you really feel that you want to have sex with other people, you more than likely want to. There is nothing wrong with it. He may or may not agree with you but it is your basic animal instinct to procreate. I can not tell you what to believe, but only provide you with information. We are here on this planet either by a supreme being or through evolution to reproduce. So talk to your husband about an open relationship. Do this with extreme caution, be prepared. Ask yourself if your marriage is strong? Is it strong enough to accept yes as an answer? Are you prepared to see him with another woman? If you don't want to take this route that is ok it is not for everyone. My wife only fancied the idea and does certain things, but will not have an open marriage. But just talking about it made us stronger. PM me and hopefully I can help you out a little. Stay Faithul.

Forgive the flowery language, but marriage is a journey. It's one that I never expected to go the way it has. You sometimes end up at dead ends or traffic circles that you never expect to be able to get out of, but then, the traffic eases and you get an escape or you pull a U-turn. You get back on track and before you know it, you're back on the highway, speeding towards a new destination. Wow. That was an unexpected analogy.

In any case, that's great news that you're making some progress. It will be a challenge. But the rewards are really great. A couple of years ago, it felt like my partner and I were roommates more than a married couple, but today we connect on levels I never would have expected. We are even back to having amazing sex on a regular basis. It's nowhere near the bunny-levels of when we first met, but that was like sixteen years ago - you can't always expect to keep up with that pace. If sex is an issue between you, talk about it. Sure, it seems a bit depressing to have to schedule time for it, but sometimes that actually leads to more spontaneous things happening. And it just allows you to connect and remember each other in a more physical way.

Anyhow, I'm rambling now. Feel free to PM if you would like to discuss online relationships at any length. I'm fairly open about what I went through...just not in a purely public forum.

I understand what's its like at this stage of a relationship. I believe every couple will feel like this one way or the other.
In any long term relationship, sometimes a stale or monotonous feeling starts to creep in and a sudden realization that 'hey, this isn't what I signed up for!" Or something like that
My suggestion, change your routine, if you're a woman then start to pay attention to your appearance and dressing. I promise your partner will be immediately aware of the new you.
I know... Many people have the notion that if their partner loves them it won't matter how they dress or look. Well that not entirely correct guys and gals. If you take the little extra time to look better all the time and not only on special dates, it's a subtle message to your partner that you do appreciate going out with them and it's always special day when you're together.
I would also try to change and start doing all those things you have put off for so long. Begin new projects, start new hobbies.
Trust me, your restlessness will be gone without you realizing it!
Good Luck!

Thanks I appreciate all the suggestions.