[shelby42]

My boyfriend of nearly a year recently cheated on me and lied about it repeatedly after he was caught. I've never been cheated on, so I'm not sure how I feel, what I think, or what to do.

My relationship history has been rocky at best - my last significant one was almost five years ago with a man to whom I was engaged, but who was also both mentally and physically abusive. Needless to say, it took several years to get past the trust issues caused by that.

I met by current boyfriend and things were working out extremely well. I even opened up and actually allowed myself to fall in love with him over time. He's been cheated on in the past (pretty significantly) and has always been incredibly thoughtful, loving, understanding, and patient with me (I have mild OCD).

He travels extensively in the US for work, and reconnected with an ex of his in Oklahoma via good ol' Facebook (ruining relationships since 2004!). What started as simply checking in turned into extensive flirting to the point that he told her he wanted to see how she fit into his life because he was considering a move to Oklahoma. He hid all of our relationship details on Facebook so he could pursue her, and sent her text after text telling her how much he wanted her, how beautiful she is, how perfect she is... All the same things he said to me when he was pursuing me. It was the exact same pattern, actually.

She caught him lying about having dumped me (obviously he didn't because I was clueless to all of this) and reached out to me directly, providing screenshots of their texts, including dates and timestamps that aligned with his recent travel schedule. When I confronted him, he lied. I have been steadily getting to the truth, but it has taken three days of endless questions. The one he will not answer, however, is why - and that's what I need to know most.

At this point I don't know what to do. I have been strong and have supported myself 100% my entire adult life. This is the first time a man has treated me poorly and I haven't left immediately without a word or glance backward. I love him and I want to be with him, but I do not and cannot trust him. How can I believe that the man I fell in love with is really even there anymore? Was it all lies? Is it even possible for a relationship to come back from this?

He has begged and pleaded with me to stay, and for now I have to as I have nowhere to go for a few weeks. I feel that if I stay I will be compromising my beliefs and values, but I also feel that I might miss out on what could be a good thing long-term (though that's doubtful as he's lied about other girls in the past, just in much more minor scenarios).

[Rose3]

Has he ever talked with you about his hopes/plans for the future? Sounds like he's been hiding things from you, and he's been caught lying to her too. So what might be his pattern? Is it likely that he will change? The why of it all - perhaps there are aspects of his being with you that he wants to continue (otherwise he would leave entirely?). And he wants something from her too. So he carries on with his pursuit of her, and continues on with you behind a façade. Why does he plead with you to stay? Will he stay with you? What are your options? Is there a space where you can go to think this through, and take the time that you need to consider how you would like to proceed?

[hamster-bamster]

Since the gal in Oklahoma reached out to you, I'd express some appreciation of her openness and get the truth from her, because she, unlike your bf, is inclined to tell the truth. It won't answer the why question, but at least you will have all your factual questions answered (if you still have them).

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[brokenhearted_girl]

I have the same problem with my now ex... I am trying to get past this but not sure how. I've tried talking to him to see what I did to him that was so wrong that he had to do me this way. I can't sleep @night, I don't eat much any more, and to top things off, I have a cold that is wondering that is happening to me. How do I get past this horrible feeling of betrayal?? Please help!

[gayleggg]

I'm sorry but if he has lied continually about the affair, can you believe anything else he says. Beware, those that hide one thing usually hide others. I have done this myself, I'm ashamed to say. Hiding things from my husband was a game and he was an easy mark. I've since been through lots of counseling and am better but it is still my second nature to hide things such as one night stands, even though, I have fought hard against cheating when I'm manic I have a tendency toward cheating.

If this is a one time thing, with counseling you may be able to overcome the feeling of distrust. I would suggest couples counseling.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by shelby42

When I confronted him, he lied. I have been steadily getting to the truth, but it has taken three days of endless questions.

I would not have used the energy you did in the three days. There is no excuse, no "why" that can satisfy you in this case. This does not look repairable as he is not interested in making it right or he would not have lied when you confronted him. You had hard evidence and his other situation was wrecked; requiring three more days of pain from you is not the action of a loving, adult partner. As painful as it is/will be, I would move on.

[iknowbetter]

I am in a similar situation. My relationship and his cheating/lying has gone on the entire time (5 years) and still is. That's why I am here again looking for a shoulder to cry on or couch to sit on. I know I should leave but its like I'm looking for some one to say it to me or validate it.

He's always apologetic only after the evidence is put in his face. When I give him an opportunity to confess on his own he never does. I'm a fool and just hope I can get out soon. I hope you make a wise and healthy decision, good luck.

Ladies: survivinginfidelity.com is an amazing site. Go no contact with your men spontaneously, how they respond will show you who they really are.

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Originally Posted by shelby42

My boyfriend of nearly a year recently cheated on me and lied about it repeatedly after he was caught. I've never been cheated on, so I'm not sure how I feel, what I think, or what to do.

My relationship history has been rocky at best - my last significant one was almost five years ago with a man to whom I was engaged, but who was also both mentally and physically abusive. Needless to say, it took several years to get past the trust issues caused by that.

I met by current boyfriend and things were working out extremely well. I even opened up and actually allowed myself to fall in love with him over time. He's been cheated on in the past (pretty significantly) and has always been incredibly thoughtful, loving, understanding, and patient with me (I have mild OCD).

He travels extensively in the US for work, and reconnected with an ex of his in Oklahoma via good ol' Facebook (ruining relationships since 2004!). What started as simply checking in turned into extensive flirting to the point that he told her he wanted to see how she fit into his life because he was considering a move to Oklahoma. He hid all of our relationship details on Facebook so he could pursue her, and sent her text after text telling her how much he wanted her, how beautiful she is, how perfect she is... All the same things he said to me when he was pursuing me. It was the exact same pattern, actually.

She caught him lying about having dumped me (obviously he didn't because I was clueless to all of this) and reached out to me directly, providing screenshots of their texts, including dates and timestamps that aligned with his recent travel schedule. When I confronted him, he lied. I have been steadily getting to the truth, but it has taken three days of endless questions. The one he will not answer, however, is why - and that's what I need to know most.

At this point I don't know what to do. I have been strong and have supported myself 100% my entire adult life. This is the first time a man has treated me poorly and I haven't left immediately without a word or glance backward. I love him and I want to be with him, but I do not and cannot trust him. How can I believe that the man I fell in love with is really even there anymore? Was it all lies? Is it even possible for a relationship to come back from this?

He has begged and pleaded with me to stay, and for now I have to as I have nowhere to go for a few weeks. I feel that if I stay I will be compromising my beliefs and values, but I also feel that I might miss out on what could be a good thing long-term (though that's doubtful as he's lied about other girls in the past, just in much more minor scenarios).

Don't ask anymore questions. Thank the young lady who told you everything and suddenly go cold to your bf. I have been there. My fiancé went to work quickly to save things and I saw who he really was. You should not have to ask, he owes you the truth. Get tough and let it be indefinite. Focus on you and act like you two are permanently done and just stop being in contact with him. He takes you for granted, take away his guarantee.

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