Not Used To This

I'm not a regular poster. I'm sorry. I just have this large problem that arose today.

My fiance and I are splitting up for good this time. We have had many fights over his controlling behavior and violent tendencies. We have two small children, one being mine from a toxic marriage and the other being his with me.

I made the decision when I asked him how he felt about us and he made no reply. I tried to question further, but he tackled me against the bed and threatened to break my neck because I was "yelling". I wasn't. I told him to leave. He grabbed my big box TV and threw it. I went outside and told my mom to take my son to the neighbor's house. I expected my new ex to at least ask if he could say something to our son. Instead, he asked, "How much child support do you want?"

Despite his behavior...I feel torn to pieces. I thought I would feel better than this. I miss him. I miss him a lot. I can't and I won't take him back. He's too violent. I just wonder what could make this hurt so badly.

LOSS

A loss is a loss is a loss, pain and grieving is inevitable.

I cried over my abusive ex too, no shame in grieving.

We might not mourn the men we lose, or the pain they put us through, but we mourn for lost hope, for planned futures that will never be, for the good parts that kept us tied to them much too long.

Once we're done grieving, we find renewed hope, we plan new futures, and the loss we once suffered becomes the blessing our pain wouldn't allow us to recognize.

Its ok to mourn, its ok to hurt, and its definitly ok to cry. Losing someone, even a bad someone, is still a loss and should be treated as such in order to heal properly.

I commend you for getting yourself and your kids out of a dangerous and unhappy situation. You're one brave lady, be proud of yourself

Hi Awkward, first of all well done on having the strength to make the decision to finish things with him!! You clearly know it was the right decision from his past (and this) behavior, but I can see how it might be painful for you in letting him/things go. You will have a lot of history, good memories, high's, low's, hope's, dreams, experiences with him (?) and you have a child with him.
But try not to let all of that cloud your vision to the other realities of your life with him, he was controlling, he was violent, you were abused by him. And you don't (nobody does!) deserve to be put in that situation.
I mean, you've probably walked down the path of "it's my fault", "if I'd have done....", "why couldn't I be.....", "he's got so much to handle"................ now and then, right?? which may color your picture of what he was really like at times.
But you do know the truth and you can/will be so much stronger without him. It might take a little time to "put yourself back together" to "put things more in the past" to adjust to a different kind of life, but at least you have to know that now you're safer and the children are safer without him around (or around so much if he still has contact with the children- something to think about later).
Now some more support for you!!: Do you think it would help you (if not right now, but soon?) to talk to other people who have been in the same situation?? You could always start this online if it's easier and there is a forum for survivors of abuse here as well you might like to try. And maybe if you talked a little more to your mom about what you've been going through??
But however tempting it might be to just give it "one more try" (and at points it might be!!) remember you've made the decision you have in your best interests. A very brave decision and well done, just hold onto that!!
If you want to talk more.................
Best wishes
Alison