[henrydavidtherobot]

Most people bore me. It sounds snobby, I know, but I'm smart, highly-motivated, passionate, bi polar, and have BPD. It takes a lot to keep my interest. It's not that others are bad, I'm just not feeling it.

Anyway, I really thought that I would make it to my late twenties before everyone around me appeared to be in a serious relationship or settling down. But it is happening now at the tender age of 23. It's easy to think that there is something wrong with me because everyone else can have a stable relationship but me, it appears.

However, I don't find myself envying the relationships of others around me. I have a lower threshold for the immaturity of men and the insecurity/jealousy of women around me.

I do have my flaws that push people away and realize that more stability may come as I work on them. However, I'm always told that I am "going for the wrong people."

No one can be attracted to something they are not into. However, most of the men I get with are emotionally unstable in some regard and end up hurting me or abandoning me. The only exception is my ex who moved to China.

I think it's because they are the only people who don't bore me. My emotionally stable ex was probably able to keep my interest because he was passionate and adventurous. It's hard to come by, especially in my college city.

Am I on to something here? Will I maybe have much better luck in Beijing (move in 5 weeks)? Thoughts?

[Rose76]

China is a country where conformity is more a social norm that it is here. Individualism is less admired than it is here. In a nation that values social conformity, do you not think that you will be more bored?

Of course, not all people in Beijing are Chinese. Maybe, amongst the ex-pats, you'll find some real adventuresome types with above-average pizzazz in their personalities.

[henrydavidtherobot]

I was talking more about the expats anyway. I don't speak Mandarin.

I sure hope that people are cool and not as dismissive of me as they are here.

[Rose76]

You'll meet some that are cool and some that are not, like anywhere you go. Twenty three is still quite young. Your idea of what is "cool" may change a good bit over the next ten years.

[henrydavidtherobot]

I really don't want to be on this roller coaster until I'm 33! I know that I am young and am not looking to meet my husband anytime soon, but I want an adult relationship. Others have them at this age.

[Rose76]

Some people get more interesting the more you know them. I got real surprised at a few guys who I thought barely worth noticing, at first, who ended up fascinating me.

You might find yourself lucky to get off the roller coaster at 33.

[henrydavidtherobot]

Great. I'll start contacting the sperm banks.

Idk if i agree with you though. Most people get married before that. Why some and not others?

[Rose76]

You said you're not looking to meet your husband anytime soon. It sounds like you envision yourself having a series of relationships that you intend to make temporary. It doesn't sound like you are real clear on what your goal is, other than you don't want to be bored. Building an adult life with adult commitments takes a lot of boring effort. Here is a statistic:

"The average age for Americans getting married has reached a historic high -- 27 for women and 29 for men -- a jump from the 1990 average marrying age of 23 for women and 26 for men." From: 5 Good Reasons To Get Married While You're Young, According To Research

So it doesn't seem that you are too far behind, at all. Looking at your list of diagnoses, it does look like you cope with a great deal of inner angst. That can make it harder for a person to reach any goal.

Some young people are burning with a desire to get married. Some reasonable candidate comes along and they go for it. Maybe that's just not you. I'll bet that almost anybody who makes getting married their deep, burning ambition, which they focus on like a laser, can probably find someone to get married to before they are 28 years old. You probably could too. But you are not just looking to get married at any cost. You want the person to be just right. That can take more time to find. If you are bored by most people you meet, then you are looking at a smaller pool of candidates. You find men to be immature and you find that hard to tolerate. It's probably easier to get married the more stuff you're willing to put up with.

The other side of the equation is what do you offer a potential mate. Lots of people who have all kinds of things wrong with them do manage to get married. They find someone who has a need that they can fill, despite their personal deficits. Maybe they have to sell themselves a bit. Here's another bit of advice from the same article as above:

Research says there's no advantage to delaying marriage just for the sake of delaying it. A 2010 study by sociologists Norval Glenn and Jeremy Uecker states that "A 25-year-old person who meets an excellent marriage prospect would be ill-advised to pass up that opportunity only because he/she feels not yet at the ideal age for marriage.

One thing life does teach us is that you can't have your cake and eat it too. To get A you have to give up B. Sometimes, the desire to keep options open can keep a person in a perpetual state of indecision. Having a hard time with compromise can do that also.

If you have a lot of emotional turmoil that you deal with, you probably need a partner who is the nurturing type and does not have a lot of emotional turmoil of his own. The guy who might make the most exciting first few dates may not be the best choice for the longer haul. It can be hard to accept that, in life, we really can't "have it all." Passionate people sometimes have the hardest time accepting that.

[henrydavidtherobot]

I definitely need a nurturing person, but I'm not sure what you mean by the "can't have it all". I'm nurturing and adventurous and I am not mean to people that I am romantically involved with.

[Rose76]

I mean that you may have to chose between a man who is nurturing and a man who you find to be exciting to be with. Those two things don't usually come in the same package. I think you've already found that out, haven't you? These are your words: "most of the men I get with are emotionally unstable in some regard and end up hurting me or abandoning me." You were smart and insightful to make that observation. Now apply what experience has taught you. (Not easy to do . . . I know.)

I'm not saying you have to go be with someone who is a total drag. You do have to pay less attention to whether or not someone bores you from time to time. Pay more attention to "Is this a nice person who cares about me?" I was a lot like you, and I rejected a lot of nice average guys to end up with the colorful, charismatic type. The life I have had and still have is not what I would wish on you.

[atomicc]

I think you can find everything you need in a guy, I know I did. Nurturing and adventurous can go together...it just may take some time to pinpoint the right man.

I know what you mean though, people all around me are getting married. Luckily though my closest friends are all single bimbos that I can rely on to not marry before me. haha

[henrydavidtherobot]

My ex was adventurous and nurturing. He's the one who moved away. Everyone after that has bored me from time to time and was less motivated than me, but I gave them a chance and they were the ones to leave. I was more adventurous than them. They went to a different part of the state or country for adventure. I went to Europe. That's why I think that I need someone adventurous.

Besides, I need to move to two new cities after China for school and it is important for me to travel with the person I will marry, so I think it is required.

I see what you're saying, though.