[tealBumblebee]

My mother and I have this routine "heated debate" (its not quite argument level but yeah) about my life. I'm 26, and like most people my age (I assume) I have no clue about the meaning of life. I have a bachelors degree; work at an hourly job doing not degree work but still in the medical field that my degree is in and have been applying (this is the 2nd year) to a professional degree program that I'm guessing I won't get accepted in this go round either. (Just keeping it real.)

Anyways, I live home with my mom and we're talking and she's always fussing about "I don't know why you don't just skip all that and go on and become a doctor". Realistically, I don't have the grades to be a doctor - but also, I don't want to be a doctor. I don't want the responsibility. I don't want to do the work it takes to become one. And I just simply don't want to be one. She's like "you grew up saying you want to be a doctor and now it's like your scared". And i'm like 1) I grew up wanting to be a lawyer #Truestory and 2) that was before I knew there was more that I could be in life than a lawyer and doctor. When I knew there was options, I actually wanted to be a social worker but that was discouraged and now I have a degree in biology and my main goal in life is to make good use of it.

She's like "all your friends are going to be done with their school and careers starting families and you'll be just getting started." And I ask her why she feels the need to compare me or herself to other people. She says thats life, and to a degree I get that but I'd rather not be a conformist. My friends are all in completely different fields (medical, law, psychology, computers, and two are in education - I only have a few friends lol).

All of them are single, not dating and have no kids. She says that I need hurry up and start a family because i'm not getting any younger and they will already have that. 1) I plan to adopt anyways, but also, I still have like at least 10 years to safely reproduce and I only want to birth 2 (adopt 2/3 more). I told her she doesn't even like her kids - why is she in a rush for me to have kids that i'm not going to like? (Fair question as i've already pushed all the parents in my family to go ahead and just admit that having kids after the age of 5 is NOT as fun as people try to convince people it is. Maybe I should have been a lawyer after all.)

And I know that she cares, so I don't take it offensively but I do get annoyed that I can't convince her that my life is really not her problem. Like not being rude, but I ask her for very few things. I live with her, but i'm working on moving out for sure (not bc I have to but because I'm going to be 27 soon - gotta get out the nest eventually) and the only bills I have asked help for was a student loan she cosigned (but I pay 3 other ones on my own and it would go in default if I didn't) and my car (that she offered to pay for; i never even asked for the car bc I was using my dads old one but it wasn't safe and she wanted me in a safer one). I don't ask for money for food/gas. If I go visit friends I don't ask for money to hang out; if I want to do something and can not afford it - I just don't do it. Career wise, it's a struggle. I want to do more but I didn't apply myself like I should have in undergrad and a 3.0 just doesn't get you very far. So now I am having to work towards it and i'm okay with that but she's making it seem like the struggle isn't worth it, and well i'd hate for her to be right.

I do have confidence that I can create a good life but I don't feel the need to "have it done by 30" you know? I don't know - am I really this lost cause she pretty much thinks I am? I think that I'm okay with the nagging because she believes i'm capable but one day, either she'll change or i'll prove that i'm not - and thats when it will hurt.

[SnakeCharmer]

Well ... Hmmmm ....Do you still want to be a social worker? Because that's not an impossible goal with a 3.0 gpa and an undergrad degree in biology. May have to apply to a few schools and maybe not get accepted at your first choice, but it's still possible. You could get an MSW in two years and if you went after good internships (a normal part of getting the degree) and really applied yourself, you'd be employable. If you play during your internship, it sets you back, but it's still not impossible. You'd have to work under supervision for a while before you could become a licensed clinical social worker, but you could have all that accomplished by age 30 or thereabouts, if that's what you'd really like to do.

But if you just want your mom to quit nagging you .... I don't know. I never accomplished that one at all. My mom nagged me about the direction of my life to her dying day. She thought that was part of being a good mother. I didn't follow the path she wanted, but after I became successful on my own path, she told everyone she had been behind me 100% of the way.

I just don't know how to stop a mother from nagging if that's her nature. But living with her and accepting anything from her at all probably makes her feel she has a right.

You'll figure out what you want to do eventually. If you don't want to be a doctor, don't let anyone nag you in that direction. Or lawyer or fire chief or anything else you don't want to do. That's a road to unhappiness.

Twenty-six is still young in my book. You're not behind schedule. I've known too many people who were burned out by 35 because they went after big goals that someone else picked for them. Having it all at a young age often means losing it a decade or two later. You'll figure this out. And if you ever discover the meaning of life, let me know about it because I haven't found it yet myself.

[IrisBloom]

As I've told my 30-something kids, "I will always be your mother, and you are always going to hear my opinion." It's gratifying if they take it to heart, but I don't worry if they don't. I know it's their life, but it's my job to "constructively advise" them. I know it sounds like nagging, and maybe it is, but it's usually meant for your own good. She probably still sees you as her little girl. Moving out is a good way to not have to listen to it all the time.

[doyoutrustme]

All I can think when I read this was, you need to move out. You can't let your mother make these decisions for you. You need space to be your own person.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Personally, I think you rock and will continue to rock... onto awesome things. She just cares and wants the best for you, difficult as they can be at expressing that. xD I don't think you should demean what you do; what you do certainly impresses me, so surely will it impress others. (not that you're doing that to impress people, but you know what I mean! xD)

I screwed up my school and college, which I have, still am, and always will pay for, but I'm trying to make the most of it. Sure, "IT Technician" might not be that fancy, as, like, a programmer, but it's something I'd be good at, and might even enjoy, so why not? If I can get better, fair enough, but... as they say, one step at a time.

[hvert]

A lot of this conflict will just disappear when you move out! You sound self-aware and that's great. You know yourself better than your mother does, no matter what she thinks. The struggle is worth it

[SeekerOfLife]

Teal, I am in my 50's and O how I wish someone had cared enough to counsel me. Look forward in your life. Imagine you are 50. What do you want your life to be like when you are 50? Are you going to regret that you did not finish college? People with more education generally earn more money. Life is expensive. I have heard many times that our brains abilities peak at about 27. I am not trying to scare you. You are young. This is the best time to finish school (If that is what you want). College is easier with the support a family can offer (e.g. live at home & share expenses). What do YOU want? What is your perspective now? What do you think your perspective will be at age 50?

[tealBumblebee]

SnakeCharmer, I absolutely wouldn't mind being a social worker but I don't want to commit to aything because i'm really not entirely sure what I want to do. I do think that I would receive more pleasure through social work but I fear that per my personality I would become over exhausted because I care a great deal about people; maybe to a fault. I will definitely look into it; I thank you for making me aware of this! Lol, yeah I do fear she will not stop nagging me. I do think that she believes it is part of being a good mother and have no doubt she will be the same when I am successful in whatever endeavor I choose. My goal in life is happiness. Honestly, if I can say I haven't conformed to doing things that don't make me happy then I can call my life successful. I definitely don't feel too old; i just don't know how to convince her that i'm not too old. Lol, will definitely inform you when I figure out the meaning of life . Thanks.

IrisBloom, Lol, my mother is the same way with the "always be my kid" type thing. Its frustrating honestly because it doesn't make me feel loved - it makes me feel like she thinks I am incompetent. I definitely plan to move out - I just need to save up the money to do so which was hard to do with a part time job (but now i'm officially full time).

doyoutrustme, I agree. We do both need our own space to be our own people. She is always exhausted from helping everyone in the family that she is unhappy because she can't do for herself. However, I have tried to make it clear that I'm very much okay with her choosing herself over me. I was diagnosed with DPD (dependent personality disorder) but I honestly think that we're codependent on each other.

Zwangsstörung, thank you. That is so sweet. I agree, she does care although she doesn't always express it the best way, she definitely expresses it the best way she knows how. I try to be open to it, but I feel like the more I allow it, the more worn out I get and the less I want to do anything honestly. She was always the type of parent to ask why I didn't get a hundred if I made a 98; and i've always been the type to just be pleased with my 98 lol. The "one step at a time" part is really where the issue lies. I think I know its one step at a time, but i can't be sure of it and I wonder if she's right when she thinks that i'm not going to achieve anything.

seekersinking, Oh, as I said I definitely appreciate that she 'nags' me because it means she hasn't given up on me. The problem is not that I don't want to finish college - I did finish getting my undergraduate degree. She now wants me to go to med school - I do not wish to go to med school. I am okay with doing a masters or professional program and that's what I have been applying to but it's been very hard and I am waiting on acceptance/denial letters now. So its not that i'm not trying it's that i'm not moving quick enough and so she wants me to focus on something I don't want to do just so I can get done quicker and make more money. What I can't figure out is when did it become acceptable to teach someone that they should do what doesn't make them happy just to make money? I do know that life is expensive - I managed to pay 3 student loans, gas to/from work, 2 summer classes out of pocket, car taxes, my counseling bill, my doctors bills (allergy testing/shots, obgyn, mri bill, etc.) all out of pocket and only with a part time job. I'm not saying that I am content where I am at all; i'm saying that I don't want to go where she wants me to go. And instead of trying to help me figure out where I want to go I feel like she's pushing me to do what i'll later regret in life. I don't want to be that unhappy doctor, nurse, lawyer that almost kills their patients. I want to enjoy my job and reflect Christ to the people I come in contact with. The problem is, I don't know how yet best to do that and she pretty much thinks that that isn't important. When is it okay to do what I want to do? It's always been about others and it looks my future is heading the same way. I'm just not realizing there is more to life than whats in front of me; so i'm okay with the slow process but I just feel really unsupported honestly.