[Jasperariel]

About 6 months ago I got in a relationship after being single for a few months, coming out of a long distance relationship of 3 years where I barely saw him so it wasn't that hard of a transition but I still cared for him and was friends with him. I avoided relationships because all previous ones included physical, sexual and mental abuse and cheating. But being with my new boyfriend, I started to feel happier and less depressed and it helped with my anxiety because he was helping me go out and be in situations that make me uncomfortable. About a month ago I found out that his ex moved back into town, it started off with him saying that he had no intentions of seeing her, then one night he had a dream about her and said he wanted to see because it's been about 2 years and she's not doing well. I was able to understand that because I still often missed my ex and if I had the chance(and the money) to see him, I would. A few nights ago I had seen a text message from him to her and he called her babe. That made me lose a lot of trust and then last night he came home and had scratches on his back. He said they were from grooming because he works in a pet shop and it makes sense, it's just hard to believe when you're almost positive it's not from an animal. He spent an hour or so saying that he didn't even know they were there and couldn't feel them and we talked about trust and how he was upset I didn't trust him, when obviously, reading this, even the biggest idiot would know that he's lying.
After getting over that and accepting the lies, I admitted that I needed help and that I haven't been well for awhile and that all of this relationship drama just stressed me out to a point of being physically sick and that my insecurities as well as the terrible depression I've been feeling is all just taking a toll on me. He talked to me as a friend and made me feel temporarily better. I'll probably go to being just friends with him so he's not trapped in a relationship and able to see who he wants, but I'll still know him on the personal level and he can help with depression and anxiety because I've told him everything and he wants to help because he's dealt with it as well.
I feel stuck and I also feel like keeping him around is just my way of avoiding being alone and having to find a new relationship again, with someone who will understand my mental and physical issues enough to want to be with me.
I'm sure this has an easy solution of leaving him and just relying on my family to help. But even when I was in an abusive relationship, I didn't leave until it got really bad because of my fear of being alone. Granted I'm sure it doesn't make much sense, I still don't fully understand. It's kind of this "I'd rather have someone who barely cares for me instead of having no one at all" thing..

Has anyone had any similar situations where you want to keep someone in your life because they help you but there's just a few issues that make you want to vomit? What did you do, or what would you do? I'm lucky the relationship has been only ongoing for half a year, but we do live together until he can afford to live on his own..

[curley]

Hi Jasper, I think you have a grasp on reality and that is good. I do not understand why people are not honest about what they want. Lying is never good, and I am glad you are not being naïve.
It is sad to me that you are so worried about being alone. Settling for someone who cheats or lies, or abuses you in any way is not healthy for your anxiety or stress level as you must know. You are worth more then that and I hope that you will work on your self esteem. When you realize how wonderful you are and that you deserve the best I think you will make better choices in a relationship!
Good Luck to you

[Melodic]

That doesn't sound too nice, sorry you've been through this. This is actually happening to me. Kind of want him in my life as a friend but more so want to just move on and accept we're over. I'm not really lonely as I'm surrounded by lots of friends and family but it's a little bit isolating when the person you felt closest too is suddenly gone. I decided not to remain friends for now because I don't think it's healthy for either of us. I personally think that if someone can't give you their all they should not be given the liberty of having one foot in your life and yet the absolute freedom to do whatever they want outside of it while knowing it's hurting you.

I have a friend who is remaining extremely close to her ex and they seem to be going great being best friends. I wonder how they do it, but it must be possible.

[Yoda]

I don't mean to be flippant. I know you are having a tough time deciding what to do about someone you care about and I can't tell the 'right' thing to do.

Just thought I would post a thought to consider.

Having recently gone through the ending of an attempt at friendship myself, I say from my own experience, walk away now it only makes it that much harder when/if you have to walk away later.

Because while you are still friends there will always be that little bit of hope hiding in there and then when they make it very clear that they've moved on it's going to rip your heart out all over again.

[Faking sane]

My husband had scratches on his back before. They were from himself scratching and he didn't know about it. Your boyfriend's story sounds completely plausible since dog grooming is quite an itchy business. But if you don't get some therapy, you're going to destroy your relationship through lack of trust.

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[healingme4me]

It's understandable to draw conclusions, after he waffled about not wanting to see her, then texts that refer to her as babe...the scratches, meh, could be innocent, at the same time, he's already ventured into territory, leading to not wanting to trust.
Sometimes, 'trust', or inability to gets pointed out, as though, it's some character defect, but...i doubt it really is, in many cases.
It is a positive step, to get back to therapy, no doubt.


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