[steelie]

Don't know where to start. Survived child abuse and spousal abuse. Now, believe it or not, it's my brother.

Here's' the situation: My mom is ill and my brother and I are the ones handling the situation. He doesn't like me and it goes way back. I have tried to make things work with him, but he isn't having it. I even wrote a letter a while back saying, whatever I may have done to you, I don't know what it is, but I apologize and I love you. Let's work together as a family.

Here is what he does. He has this way of ordering me around, I think. I will give an example:
He emailed me 16 times about a situation going on at my Mom's house all in a ROW, over a, what 20 minutes time period. The details are not important. The point is I did not understand what he was trying to tell me regarding an issue with her phone, which she needs because she is elderly and sick. So we went back and forth with me asking questions and finally I said "please call my cell phone. I am not understanding you. So he sends me this email, the 16th one saying "look, this thing is really simple, and I don't have the time to call you on the phone over it". Well, I felt my request wasn't so awful and he was being sarcastic, so I did not answer. But, it is still bugging me.

I mean why can't he pick up the friggin phone and call me. He doesn't have the time? But he wants me to do something for him, or rather for my Mom? Is this controlling? Am I being too sensitive or what.
Thanks.

[waiting4]

I honestly don't think you're being too sensitive in this situation (and I have to stipulate to be fair, as I don't know about other situations) but what you discribed would be very annoying to me, even WITHOUT my thinking he was pushing me around. There are people who like to present as busy busy people, too busy to call but not to busy to blow up a cell phone in text, or email bomb for days. I think they're either confused about how long texting/emailing actually takes, are arrogant or possibly both. At any rate, it IS quite annoying.

That said....I'm curious where in the family unit your brother falls...is he the youngest? Older than you? It hardly matters but I would be interested in knowing if this is the first time he's shown such passive / aggressive tendencies because, that's what he's doing. It may not be to directly control you or even push you around in particular (unless he's done this many times before over other issues, then yes, I'd say it sounds like it's his way of getting his way/bullying you).

However, it could be (if this is NOT his pattern) that he is having difficulty dealing with the situation with your mom being ill, and is, in a small way trying to distance himself from it. Of course, that could be a pattern he's used in the past with other difficult situations. Only you'd know for sure.

At any rate, try not to let it get to you. He may want it to, so don't give him the satisfaction. He may not mean it to, so don't over-react to his issues. Remember, that this is about your mom, no matter how much it seems he's trying to make it about him. Hopefully, your mom will be better soon, and then if necessary you can deal with your brother, and maybe find out what it is that's causing him such stress, and fear, because make no mistake, the use of passive/aggressive is a learned response...and usually it's a response to either stress or fear.

Take care

[steelie]

He is 51. I am much older. I happen to be chronically ill, and he told me, that I am well, and in another round-about-way, he says I am not doing my part for my mom. He also accuses me of trying to stop my husband from helping my Mom, which is the complete opposite of the truth.
The truth, which he does not know, is that we have been helping her in many, many ways for many years. Now that she is il (seven years) and he is on the scene, he feels he has the brunt of it all. The truth is he does a lot for her, but my husband shops for food, I send stuff over, I talk to her on the phone and console her ... something he would never be bothered to do ... and he has no idea of all the ways we have been there for my Mom long before he entered the picture.
He makes my other brother feel bad also and my other brother told me to pay no attention to him but it is hard when he accuses me of stopping my husband from helping my Mom when the opposite is true. We just don't toot our horns about the help all these years. We did it quietly. And, I don't advertise, as I love my Mom and would not want to embarrass her. She is a very proud woman.
So many times, I have sent him an email after he takes her to the doctor and he doesn't answer. In the past, he would not even give me a list of the medications she was on. One day there was a serious emergency, heart attack, and I took my Mom to the ER and I didn't know what meds she was on. At that point, I blew up and called him to tell him that I was extremely angry +++. I told him off.
When I call him, which is rare, he immediately gets on and says "I don't have time and I say, this will take one minute and that is what it takes. A minute or two. I rarely call. I only email if I need to know her status; he does not reply.
I have no idea why he hates me, but I was told that the reason is, get this, that I did not do enough for him. You see, he was 7 years old, last child in the household with my Mom only, when I left to get married. He feels that I should have helped him more. The truth is I helped when I lived there babysitting him from the time he was born, taking him out with my boyfriends, but then I left to get married. I am not his mother. I don't get what he expected me to do or why he would put me in a role like that.
He was married to a woman who , admittedly had serious mental problems, but I heard that once ... she made him breakfast ... eggs ... and he did not like it so he told her to make them again. They are now divorced. Whatever.
I have been abused all my life and I'll be damned if I am going to take abuse from him. I don't know how to react when I am getting abused ... in fact, I have a hard time recognizing abuse towards me ... other people like yourself have to tell me. I think this comes from having had a life filled with abuse. First my Dad and then my husband.
I thought I was just overreacting and still don't understand the crazymaking term regarding him and I need to. If it were not for my mom, I would just avoid him totally.
Thanks.

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by steelie

He is 51. I am much older. I happen to be chronically ill, and he told me, that I am well, and in another round-about-way, he says I am not doing my part for my mom. He also accuses me of trying to stop my husband from helping my Mom, which is the complete opposite of the truth.
The truth, which he does not know, is that we have been helping her in many, many ways for many years. Now that she is il (seven years) and he is on the scene, he feels he has the brunt of it all. The truth is he does a lot for her, but my husband shops for food, I send stuff over, I talk to her on the phone and console her ... something he would never be bothered to do ... and he has no idea of all the ways we have been there for my Mom long before he entered the picture.
He makes my other brother feel bad also and my other brother told me to pay no attention to him but it is hard when he accuses me of stopping my husband from helping my Mom when the opposite is true. We just don't toot our horns about the help all these years. We did it quietly. And, I don't advertise, as I love my Mom and would not want to embarrass her. She is a very proud woman.
So many times, I have sent him an email after he takes her to the doctor and he doesn't answer. In the past, he would not even give me a list of the medications she was on. One day there was a serious emergency, heart attack, and I took my Mom to the ER and I didn't know what meds she was on. At that point, I blew up and called him to tell him that I was extremely angry +++. I told him off.
When I call him, which is rare, he immediately gets on and says "I don't have time and I say, this will take one minute and that is what it takes. A minute or two. I rarely call. I only email if I need to know her status; he does not reply.
I have no idea why he hates me, but I was told that the reason is, get this, that I did not do enough for him. You see, he was 7 years old, last child in the household with my Mom only, when I left to get married. He feels that I should have helped him more. The truth is I helped when I lived there babysitting him from the time he was born, taking him out with my boyfriends, but then I left to get married. I am not his mother. I don't get what he expected me to do or why he would put me in a role like that.
He was married to a woman who , admittedly had serious mental problems, but I heard that once ... she made him breakfast ... eggs ... and he did not like it so he told her to make them again. They are now divorced. Whatever.
I have been abused all my life and I'll be damned if I am going to take abuse from him. I don't know how to react when I am getting abused ... in fact, I have a hard time recognizing abuse towards me ... other people like yourself have to tell me. I think this comes from having had a life filled with abuse. First my Dad and then my husband.
I thought I was just overreacting and still don't understand the crazymaking term regarding him and I need to. If it were not for my mom, I would just avoid him totally.
Thanks.

I am sorry you're having to go thru this especially with your mom ill. It is interesting he is the youngest (if I understand correctly) and obviously acts as if he feels entitled. It could be that...or it could be he feels and felt left out for much of his younger life that he's reacting to that. There are lots of reasons, and I gather the emotional issues in your family run deep and long.

My only recommendation is that you take care of yourself, keep doing what you feel is right for your mom, and even tho I know it's hard, try not to let him get to you. This is evidently a pattern with him, and I'm sorry for that because I know it can't be easy for others in your family trying to help your mom.

Take care

[steelie]

Originally Posted by waiting4

I am sorry you're having to go thru this especially with your mom ill. It is interesting he is the youngest (if I understand correctly) and obviously acts as if he feels entitled. It could be that...or it could be he feels and felt left out for much of his younger life that he's reacting to that. There are lots of reasons, and I gather the emotional issues in your family run deep and long.

My only recommendation is that you take care of yourself, keep doing what you feel is right for your mom, and even tho I know it's hard, try not to let him get to you. This is evidently a pattern with him, and I'm sorry for that because I know it can't be easy for others in your family trying to help your mom.

Take care

Thank you for your honest and excellent advice. Yes, I do believe he has issues that are not related to me, and, yes, it is/was a dysfunctional family though my Mom is great.