[rolan86]

So I am sure I have tired everyone endless with my posts about my giant crush on one of my former professors. First off, I am sorry that I have posted on this numerous times and I by no means intend to annoy anyone. This has just gotten to the point where I need to tell myself to end it. After giving into my bad impulses and looking her up, I found out that she is married. This just made me super depressed and I now feel very empty on the inside. I further found out that she was in a band with her husband and ended up checking out some videos I found. Something about it just made me feel very down. It just made me feel like wow, I really did have so much in common with this woman. We played the same genre of music so now I am just regretting never talking to her about this (even though I just found out she is a musician). The more I keep finding out about this band of her's, the more depressed I am becoming about my own life, and my own time being in a band.

My band ended up moving on without me when I started taking school more seriously, and now I am completely apathetic about playing music and the thought of picking up an instrument is unappealing to me. This makes me very sad as music used to be my whole life and my one true passion. Now it's just a memory.

Seeing how successful my professor's band was just makes me feel regretful about not being as engaged as I should have been in my band, and what my life would be like now if I were still playing music. I keep trying to compare myself to her, trying to tell myself, I was just as successful a musician as her! But this is just childish of me, as I am just trying to protect my ego. Now I just keep comparing myself to her husband. So maybe I never was a successful musician, or have a phd like he does, but why must I feel so bad about myself? I just feel like I'm not even good enough to talk to her, and now I'm just feeling really bad about the things I've done recent years or never accomplished. Honestly, as immature as it sounds, the idea of her being married just pains me, and I am really struggling with how to get over this. I have been a sloth this past week, and have little motivation to do anything productive. I need to be applying for internships and preparing for graduate school, but my motivation and drive is just completely shot.

Any thought that doesn't involve her just seems unappealing. How do I move on? I am really struggling with this here. As tempting as it is, I know further looking her up online is not going to help, and only make things worse. I wish there were just a switch I could shut off, so I could get over this and just move on with my life. I don't know what this is all means, was this infatuation just a reflection of my own ego/self esteem issues? Am I just trying to fill some void in my life? I know I need to work on my own personal issues myself, and that only I can solve them, but I am really just struggling to get back on the path here.

I'm only 21 and just graduated from college a week ago, yet I feel like I'm having a midlife crisis.

[pisces22]

Crushes on people who are not exactly available is hard. Moving on is hard. I recently had a crush on my neighbor and I'm kind of over him. I also looked him up online as well and finding more about him made me crush even harder. I felt very creepy and ashamed. I don't know exactly what advice to give you but how I got "over" him was by telling myself that I had no chance even though I don't know that. I stopped looking him up online. It was very tempting and hard at first but knowing less about them is better. I also thought about how if I ever did date him, I'd feel guilty if we hang out because I basically stalked him before I met him and that'd make feel really bad. I was a little depressed at first but time healed everything. I still see him here and there when I take the trash out and stuff and my heart hurts a little but he is not on my mind as often. Seeing him occasionally doesn't help. Maybe if I saw him less, I'd be completely over him. I recommend not looking her up online and maybe now that you graduated, you're not gonna see her as often. Time will help as well. Good luck and I hope someday you find someone who has mutual feelings!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[rolan86]

Thanks I hope I find that one person some day too. Yeah I mean I won't see her any longer but it will still be hard. To stop looking her up online though... that is going to be very hard. Those urges are just so hard to fight.

[rolan86]

I'm sending her an email asking her to stay in touch tomorrow. She ignored my email about asking for feedback on my final, and now this will be my last attempt. If she ignores it, well, so it ends. At least I will have closure, letting her know that I do want to keep in contact with her. If she rejects me or just plain ignores me, then I will move on and erase all my emails with her, and block her out of my mind. I am done having my happiness dependent on her approval. It ends tomorrow.

[Middlemarcher]

I am sorry you are still struggling with this.

Originally Posted by rolan86

I'm sending her an email asking her to stay in touch tomorrow. She ignored my email about asking for feedback on my final, and now this will be my last attempt. If she ignores it, well, so it ends. At least I will have closure, letting her know that I do want to keep in contact with her. If she rejects me or just plain ignores me, then I will move on and erase all my emails with her, and block her out of my mind. I am done having my happiness dependent on her approval. It ends tomorrow.

What you are saying is that you are done having your happiness dependent on her approval... right after this one last attempt at getting some approval from her. This will not be "closure." Either she will ignore your e-mail, and you will feel hurt and ruminate and obsess; it will not erase your feelings or give you any real sense of an ending. Or (and I hesitate to throw this out there, because you tend to hold onto any hope that she will continue to be in your life) she will respond positively, and it will only make your infatuation worse and perpetuate the cycle. You must make a choice to stop feeding this infatuation and to sit with the uncomfortable feelings.

I also recommend that you do some Googling about the dopamine rushes that people get when they're infatuated. This may be enlightening to you in terms of the "highs" you feel when you get attention from your crushes, and the yearning you feel when you don't get their attention. This might be a place to start:
The Chemistry of Love, Pt 2 ? Addicted to Love

It's also not uncommon to feel down after completing a major life milestone, like graduating. One theory behind this is that your brain has been pumping out dopamine in the run-up to the event, and then when it stops pumping out so much once the event is over, you end up feeling depressed and let-down. You're at a particularly vulnerable time right now. There's more reading out there on this as well. Try this article:
Life Goes On: Coping with Letdown After a Big Event | Divine Caroline

Good luck to you. As you can gather, my own two cents is that it's a bad idea for you to try to prolong communication. Sever ties now and accept the bad feelings. They will not be here forever.

[rolan86]

Maybe this is just partly a way for me to try coping with the letdown of graduation. I experienced the same thing after high school graduation, where I became very depressed about all this graduation anticipation and then just a long period of time moping around not knowing what's next. And now I'm back there again. I part I know this is actually a reason for why I am trying to keep up with this professor. I knew that life back at home would be quite rough (arguing parents, a father who is always on my cases and making me feel like a failure, my sick old dog which is making me sad) and I just wanted some sort of positive thing to thing about, some idea of escape. Keeping in contact with this professor seemed like just that. Sort of like in the graduate, where Ben has no idea what to do with his life so he just ends up looking for some romance to distract him from the reality of really having no idea what he's doing with his life. I'm in that same position, and I can see that being a cause of my infatuation. I just wanted to have one positive thing to hold on to, something nice to think about when I'm moping around my house confused and depressed. I seriously have no idea what I am doing right now. I am apathetically looking for a job, apathetically looking for internships, and slacking in preparing for graduate school. I can honestly say that at this point I have no idea what I want. I majored in a subject I am not passionate about, and the process of looking for work in that field is just emotionally exhausting and discouraging. So yes, I can understand this being a reason why I would want to stay in touch with my professor.

[Middlemarcher]

It's really difficult for a lot of people, after graduation, and facing major life changes. Just do your best to push through with the job and internship search; keeping busy will help with keeping your mind off things. You have goals and things to look forward to, like grad school- are you going in the fall, or are you going to be applying to grad schools in the fall? If the former, you can look forward to that; if the latter, you can put your energy now into that hunt. If you're not thrilled with your major and your life path, you're very young, and there's still plenty of time to change, either through getting into the workforce and gradually making sidelong moves, or through seeking a different program in grad school.

I hope you have family or friends to talk to about this- or here on the boards. Do your best to take care of yourself, seek support, and keeping moving forward.

[rolan86]

I'll be applying to grad school in the fall. I checked out that link you posted, and yeah I guess I'm not alone in the post-graduation depression. I'm trying to get excited about grad school, but can't help but get intimidated whenever I think about it. I am leaning towards science and technology studies for PhD, but keep getting thoughts of like what am I even going to do with that? I'm still applying though. For now I am just going to keep at it with those internships. I've realized I need to stop envying other people's success, such as my professor's and just make my own success. There is nothing attractive about moping around all day feeling self-pity. I'm going to start building my own future, get that cool research job, get my own ivy league degree, and be my own person. I'm getting stoked just thinking about it. Why fixate on someone else when you can focus on building yourself? For this summer though I have no idea, it's basically to late to apply for anything so I don't know. I think I'll start going to the gym though, burn out some stress. That sounds healthy.

[tohelpafriend]

From experience, it's not a good idea to pursue a crush on a prof or instructor, but of course it happens. For free time, maybe volunteer at a homeless shelter to see what the real world is to them. So many smart people are unemployed, with degrees.

[rolan86]

I'm curious as to what your experience was to make you realize that pursuing crushes with profs was a bad idea. Yeah I should do some volunteer work.

Originally Posted by tohelpafriend

From experience, it's not a good idea to pursue a crush on a prof or instructor, but of course it happens. For free time, maybe volunteer at a homeless shelter to see what the real world is to them. So many smart people are unemployed, with degrees.

Just be glad you're getting out and away from her…the crush should fade in time.

I'm going back to school for three years and I'll be spending ample amounts of time alone and in general around the professor I have a crush on.

And as far as post-graduate depression goes, I was horribly depressed before I even finished my masters and I'm depressed about graduation before I even START my doctorate. For me, my life ends after school. I've known nothing else and my only hope is to stay in school by becoming a professor. But since that's practically impossible even though I'll be focusing on 3-4 areas in my department, my life probably is over…nothing else to live for. So you're not the only one to feel this way. If our economy were only good enough that people could make a living, especially if they spend most of their life becoming an expert in their field, then maybe there would be a reason to continue living after graduation.

[rolan86]

Any advice on what to think when she comes into my head? Or what do when I get an urge to look her up online? As much as I am trying to push her out of my head, that warm nervous fuzzy feeling of whenever I'd see her in class just keeps coming back. Maybe just distraction?

Wait so you already finished your master's but you are going to be surrounded by the same professor you have a crush on? Is this like your advisor in the PhD program? How have you dealt with this?

and I can almost relate. While I haven't gone through graduate school yet, I also don't see much else to life outside of school. School is all I know, and the world of careers outside of it seems terrifying. Without a project or class to work on, I have no idea what I'd do with myself. The idea of just working a job to make money seems so incredibly fulfilling to me. I just hope I end up picking the right PhD program. I am pushing for berkeley or cornell, so right now I am just trying to occupy myself with experience that would look good on an application.

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

Just be glad you're getting out and away from her…the crush should fade in time.

I'm going back to school for three years and I'll be spending ample amounts of time alone and in general around the professor I have a crush on.

And as far as post-graduate depression goes, I was horribly depressed before I even finished my masters and I'm depressed about graduation before I even START my doctorate. For me, my life ends after school. I've known nothing else and my only hope is to stay in school by becoming a professor. But since that's practically impossible even though I'll be focusing on 3-4 areas in my department, my life probably is over…nothing else to live for. So you're not the only one to feel this way. If our economy were only good enough that people could make a living, especially if they spend most of their life becoming an expert in their field, then maybe there would be a reason to continue living after graduation.