[COFFEEISGOOD]

Hi all

This is my second time writing a thread on this forum but I need some help and I am hoping that someone can aide me with this. I am having a pretty tough time communicating with my boyfriend. He is incredibly quiet and usually doesn't talk much, I am usually the one who is always spearheading conversations and I am fine with that, I talked with him at another point because he would like to express stuff on facebook but never talk about it with me and I told him that made me feel left out, he apologized and said that he would really try to start talking more about his day-to-day. However we usually talk for a bit every night( I only get to see him twice a week) and the last time I was talking to him, I was trying to talk with him about cars because it's his passion and he has told me before that when he starts talking about them he doesn't stop. All I got was one word answers and then he after told me to change the subject because it was bugging him to talk about himself so much. The truth is, is that I really was never great making conversations, I have had to read countless books etc. just to up my game and so far it has worked but one of the main things they teach is to talk about is the other person. I don't want to annoy him again but I really don't know what else to say, plus he never asks me questions or try's to make conversation so I don't really know what to do... I know this is very long but please help, to be honest I think me and him talking makes him annoyed at me and I really don't know what to do...

Thanks for reading!

[Rose3]

Hi Coffeeisgood. I read your post, and have a few things to comment. You might or might not like what I have to say. It concerns me that these books that you read recommend that you talk about the other person. And it does not surprise me that your bf feels annoyed. I experience this with certain other people who seem to try to focus on me for their conversation notions by their choice of topics or interrogations (which result in non-conversations). These people must have read the same books that you read. I personally do not like someone else to try to focus the interaction on me, about topics that I find either personal or none of their business or just not comfortable, etc. It is a non-conversation when someone else keeps trying to select what they want you to talk about. And when this happens, I find myself usually wanting to escape from the person. For example - there's an acquaintance who invites me for dinner on a Friday evening. So I show up, with the hope of having an enjoyable evening. But, instead, the acquaintance starts asking me about my "work". Basically, on a Friday evening, I would prefer to "leave work at work" (and put it out of my mind during my time off work). So this is how the evening goes. With the acquaintance interrogating me about various work topics (or about any other aspect of my life that he/she can think of) - and frankly these are not how I prefer to spend my Friday evening. It goes on like this, to the point that I feel like this person is expecting me to entertain him/her with my personal life. And I do not believe that it is my responsibility to entertain this person with my personal life. And if I do answer the questions, then the other person's responses are insensitive, as he/she carries on with more interrogation according to whatever they're decided to switch the topic to (as if he/she didn't "get it" when I answered). And for me to introduce different topics (that would seem to me to be more interesting) - the acquaintance doesn't have much to say. The whole things gets annoying and irritating - to the point that I keep almost deciding to not return, because it's unpleasant and becomes meaningless. Perhaps it would be more beneficial for you and whomever to have conversations about topics that you both find important or comfortable.

[Trippin2.0]

Maybe you 2 just don't have enough in common to converse about.

Originally Posted by Rose3

Hi Coffeeisgood. I read your post, and have a few things to comment. You might or might not like what I have to say. It concerns me that these books that you read recommend that you talk about the other person. And it does not surprise me that your bf feels annoyed. I experience this with certain other people who seem to try to focus on me for their conversation notions by their choice of topics or interrogations (which result in non-conversations). These people must have read the same books that you read. I personally do not like someone else to try to focus the interaction on me, about topics that I find either personal or none of their business or just not comfortable, etc. It is a non-conversation when someone else keeps trying to select what they want you to talk about. And when this happens, I find myself usually wanting to escape from the person. For example - there's an acquaintance who invites me for dinner on a Friday evening. So I show up, with the hope of having an enjoyable evening. But, instead, the acquaintance starts asking me about my "work". Basically, on a Friday evening, I would prefer to "leave work at work" (and put it out of my mind during my time off work). So this is how the evening goes. With the acquaintance interrogating me about various work topics (or about any other aspect of my life that he/she can think of) - and frankly these are not how I prefer to spend my Friday evening. It goes on like this, to the point that I feel like this person is expecting me to entertain him/her with my personal life. And I do not believe that it is my responsibility to entertain this person with my personal life. And if I do answer the questions, then the other person's responses are insensitive, as he/she carries on with more interrogation according to whatever they're decided to switch the topic to (as if he/she didn't "get it" when I answered). And for me to introduce different topics (that would seem to me to be more interesting) - the acquaintance doesn't have much to say. The whole things gets annoying and irritating - to the point that I keep almost deciding to not return, because it's unpleasant and becomes meaningless. Perhaps it would be more beneficial for you and whomever to have conversations about topics that you both find important or comfortable.

Agreed partially but I don't think that the idea of focus on the other person is bad per se, but communication is balanced. There is an amount of focusing on the other person that should happen but not to the exclusion of your own stuff. I think it may be over-focusing on that, as if it's the way to communicate, and really it's only a part of the whole.

I also agree with the finding topics mutually that are interesting is a good idea. Thing is, when you're thinking whollly logically with the approach to how to communicate, you lack the needed emotional involvement. Don't simply ask about the other person's day when you don't care to know, then it's forced and the other person will notice this and thus be annoyed, as it becomes pretentious and patronizing.

[COFFEEISGOOD]

Hi Rose3 and Trippin 2.0 I appreciated the comments!
You would think that I wouldn't like your comment Rose but I really do, it gives me a new perspective as to how he may view how we are talking. But one thing Im still having trouble with is how to have a conversation with him, he just doesn't give much to work with. He never asks questions or contributes to the conversation. We do have a lot in common but when I try talking of those things he usually replies with one word answers. TBH im not great at talking about myself either it's just difficult. I don't want it to seem like he is the worst person or whatever, I love him so much and we get along great when we are together more than when we are texting... I just really am confused as to what to make of the situation. Eventually we are texting and literally I don't know what to say and neither does he and we just send emoticons back and forth...

[COFFEEISGOOD]

Sorry just saw your comment come up s4ndm4n2006. I do agree that it is a balance but I do care about what he does and things like that, that is why I ask questions because I want to get to know them better. I get that I should probably hold off and be patient on that part as it might make him feel uncomfortable though. I try to talk about mutual topics etc. but there is only so long you talk about a subject especially when he really isn't saying anything back... I know he loves me though he just never has been the type to open up to anyone or talk..

[gayleggg]

Has he always been this way? That would be an indicater if he has suddenly quite talking about stuff but if he has always been like this, I think you will have to accept him as he is and that's not chatty.

If you are his friend on Facebook, don't be offended he put something there that he hasn't shared with you. He may just feel better behind the mask of Facebook.

Maybe if you don't push him to talk so much maybe he would start sharing, I doubt it but you might try it. I think you just have someone who's not big on talking. Sorry.

[COFFEEISGOOD]

Hi gayleggg yes he has always been this way, however usually when we hang out together he is always texting friends on his cell phone, which is confusing:P But I will try and lay off and be a bit more patient, it's just a bit hard, always thought I was a patient person apparently I need to work on that a bit more :P I accept him for who he is, I just am a person that likes to be close to someone verbally, I suppose it could be something I could work on rather than him :P Thanks for the reply!