Marriage Problems

I have been married to an ACOC for 22 years. I am the husband.

I could make list a few "issues/concerns" and people can go at it...or not..

1. We have not had sex for 8.5 months. You could call it a sexless marriage.
Even when we did have sex my wife basically was uncomfortable and awkward.
We only had sex in one position...which I liked actually...her on top. I think it made her feel in control and safe? In addition to being an ACOC she was physically abused by one of her 4 older brothers. Basically dad was drunk/asleep and mom was out working to support the family.......so she was an easy target

2. She has "let her body go" and she is so out of shape that I could not get an erection.
I have always wanted her to work out and stay in shape. She did this while we dated and in our first year of marriage but then it basically has been downhill since then.....her main excuse is........"you don't love me and want me to be a fitness model and I can never measure up to your idea of perfection".......which is totally bunk since I only have wanted her to stay in shape and be committed, like she promised me when we were in the engagement process.

3. To make matters worse I am bipolar II. I am on a medication that is basically like a miracle drug for me but I just got on it a few months ago. So........you can imagine a UNTREATED bipolar male with hyper-sexuality(if you don't know what that is....its basically my manic phase making me ridiculously horny and I am thinking about sex 24 hours a day) married to an ACOC.........it makes for a toxic mix!!

4. I guess the reason I am here is.......this drug has 100% taken away my depression and controlled my manic episodes so they are almost non existent .....EXCEPT for my hyper-sexuality. So you can image how I am doing.

In typical fashion my wife has not done any working out or dieting and "seems" as happy as a clam.....

I will stop there as that is already a mouthful.

I am sorry I do not know anything about the mental issues you have.
I am sorry your marriage is not happy at the time.
It would be nice if your wife had a higher self esteem, maybe then she would not feel she needed support from you. But either way it would be nice if you did give her more support. If she tells you she feels you don't love her and she thinks all you care about is being with a woman with a perfect body etc, then that must be how she feels!!!!
You may think she is wrong....but she feels that way for a reason!
No matter her size woman want to know they are attractive to their partner. Maybe if you showed her that she is attractive to you she would take better care of herself! Build her confidence and then hopefully she can take over from there.
If it would help fantasize about someone else if it would help you get ready for sex with your wife. I did not say have sex with anyone but your wife!!!!
Good Luck

Did you marry her only for the way she looked? Weren't there other things that you're attracted to? I'd focus on those things.

Even if she did continue working out, she still wouldn't look the same as she did 22 years ago.

I've heard of this being a concern in other marriages. What comes across, as in desire for better appearance, boils down to, wanting the other to take a serious interest in their physical health and well being.

Your mentioning of ACOA and childhood sexual abuse, do you also find yourself, walking on eggshells?

The dry spell, can go both ways, in interpretation. The physical description of her health, can be masking talk of other issues underlying within the relationship and this being a tangible one?

I could be wrong, but I'll lend you the benefit of the doubt, in what you are trying to reach out for in a support community.

Are you both in counseling?

Here are some ideas to help her get in better shape - I am not sure if they will be of any use to you at all, but they are things I wish my boyfriend would do for me.

- Don't bring any junk food in the house. If she brings in junk food, ask her to stop. Tell her that YOU don't want to eat it.

- Eat healthy meals together off of small plates.

- Tell her you want to a try a vegan/low-carb/whatever diet. Something you both can live with.

- Pick up a hobby involving exercise that you do together. Walking, hiking, swimming, biking, kayaking.

For all of these things, really highlight the benefits you will get. Don't point out that you want to do this stuff because she needs to be in better shape.

She's probably picked up on the fact that you think she's fat and unattractive. That's a desire killer. Could you convince her that you think she's beautiful and desirable?

Being "out of shape" is a perspective. My first husband thought I was "fat" and I weighed 118 pounds at 5'6". I still have body image problems from years of hearing that all the time. When women get older they tend to put on weight--is she truly overweight or just not the size you want? Positive reinforcement will go further toward getting her to want to take care of herself than put-downs ever will. I lived with childhood abuse and it's not easy. I'm not sure you ever recover entirely, but you can be happy and deserve love and support from those closest to you. It's great that you have your issues under control, but she may need more help than you can give. A good therapist could be a godsend.

Any chance of it being a sexual addiction? Has there been any infidelties in your relationship? If your side of it is true, you both sound unhappy.

It is important to be attracted to your partner, but maybe she feels as though you don't care about her mentally or emotionally and you only care about how she looks. Idk what ACOC is, but that expectation for her to stay in shape, isn't always the easiest expectation to meet.