[ikarlink]

I have loved the same man for 6 years. He is older than myself by quite a few years - we're not colleagues as such, but we work together almost everyday in a professional environment. This is, to an extent, one of the main reasons why the feelings will never be returned. The position that he holds is... incompatible in terms of pursuing a relationship with me, if that makes sense.

It wasn't until 2 years ago that I truly appreciated just how hopeless the situation was. He pretty much told me, point blank, that the feelings weren't returned. I was hurt and humiliated - I was fairly young (18) so it had an even bigger impact on my already shaky self esteem and insecurities. I was in a very dark place for a long time that I never want to return to. What made it worse was that he was consistently lovely - kind, patient, thoughtful. It was everything I first fell in love with him for and there it was, staring me in the face when all I wanted him to do was be horrible to me because that's what I felt I deserved.

He is now in a relationship in which he seems very happy - which is what I want. That, of course, doesn't stop me harbouring feelings of jealousy and upset. Despite my best efforts to move on from him, I feel like I can't be in a relationship with, or give myself to, anybody else because they're not him.

When will I be able to move on!? If ever..

What are other people's experiences with this? Did you ever find someone else?

[Rose3]

It's good that you have awareness of your own feelings of attraction, jealousy, upset, hurt, humiliation, and insecurities. He is in a relationship with someone else and he has informed you that he does not share mutual feelings of love with you. It's important that you've identified some of his qualities such as kindness, patience, thoughtfulness - so perhaps you can appreciate him for these reasons. And acknowledge your appreciation. There are other people who are kind, patient, and thoughtful. So - perhaps it's time to consider meeting others. You ask if you will be able to move on - and the answer is "yes you will be able to move on".

[brainhi]

Originally Posted by ikarlink

I have loved the same man for 6 years. He is older than myself by quite a few years - we're not colleagues as such, but we work together almost everyday in a professional environment. This is, to an extent, one of the main reasons why the feelings will never be returned. The position that he holds is... incompatible in terms of pursuing a relationship with me, if that makes sense.

It wasn't until 2 years ago that I truly appreciated just how hopeless the situation was. He pretty much told me, point blank, that the feelings weren't returned. I was hurt and humiliated - I was fairly young (18) so it had an even bigger impact on my already shaky self esteem and insecurities. I was in a very dark place for a long time that I never want to return to. What made it worse was that he was consistently lovely - kind, patient, thoughtful. It was everything I first fell in love with him for and there it was, staring me in the face when all I wanted him to do was be horrible to me because that's what I felt I deserved.

He is now in a relationship in which he seems very happy - which is what I want. That, of course, doesn't stop me harbouring feelings of jealousy and upset. Despite my best efforts to move on from him, I feel like I can't be in a relationship with, or give myself to, anybody else because they're not him.

When will I be able to move on!? If ever..

What are other people's experiences with this? Did you ever find someone else?

In your mind you turned him into some kind of fantasy. It's possible if you were in eachother's lives on a daily basis...paying bills together, taking out the trash, who needs to cook dinner tonight, why cant you pick up your dirty laundry, snoring, leaving dirty dishes...I could go on and on. Stop the fantasy...even if you had him...would he be able to live up to the image you have in your mind????

I don't want to sound flippant, because I know how much something like this can hurt. Words are easy to say but difficult to follow. But, taking a chance on it coming out like a platitude, the first thing that came to my mind was the saying, "If the train doesn't stop at your station, it's not your train."

Yes, it's very easy to fall in love with the image or the fantasy rather than the actual person. Done that a few times. Here's pulling for you and wishing the best.

[beechwood]

wow six years is a long time to be yearning for someone who is not interested in returning your affections....might be time to look for another job or transfer to a different department....will give you a fresh outlook....write a letter and tell this person you had a wonderful six years longing for something more but it is now time for you to move on.....of course you can send the letter or just file it away ....it is a symbolic step of ending this relationship and freeing yourself to be open to new possibilities....i wish you all the best....beechwood

[Maria116]

Originally Posted by ikarlink

I have loved the same man for 6 years. He is older than myself by quite a few years - we're not colleagues as such, but we work together almost everyday in a professional environment. This is, to an extent, one of the main reasons why the feelings will never be returned. The position that he holds is... incompatible in terms of pursuing a relationship with me, if that makes sense.

It wasn't until 2 years ago that I truly appreciated just how hopeless the situation was. He pretty much told me, point blank, that the feelings weren't returned. I was hurt and humiliated - I was fairly young (18) so it had an even bigger impact on my already shaky self esteem and insecurities. I was in a very dark place for a long time that I never want to return to. What made it worse was that he was consistently lovely - kind, patient, thoughtful. It was everything I first fell in love with him for and there it was, staring me in the face when all I wanted him to do was be horrible to me because that's what I felt I deserved.

He is now in a relationship in which he seems very happy - which is what I want. That, of course, doesn't stop me harbouring feelings of jealousy and upset. Despite my best efforts to move on from him, I feel like I can't be in a relationship with, or give myself to, anybody else because they're not him.

When will I be able to move on!? If ever..

What are other people's experiences with this? Did you ever find someone else?

Speaking from experience (that I wouldn't wish on anybody) you may eventually get past it if you cut contact completely (don't see him, don't find out a thing about him, like he fell off the face of the Earth), and it will take a few years. When eventually he becomes nothing but a memory which is stepping farther and farther away, you will start seeing that other men exist - you're not dead yet, girl. But if he's still in front of your eyes, in your life - no hope.

Yes, there came a time about 3-4 years later I started liking someone else. He is ridiculously hot, it's pretty much raw chemistry and sexual frustration on my part after years of heartbroken solitude. Nothing came out of it though, he has no feelings for me. We talked about fwb, but it didn't happen, I'm not the type.

So yeah, I can say that old love stopped torturing me with the help of no contact and time. Nothing took its place though.