[kuro92]

I've been stuck in this viscous cycle for over a year now. I was in a relationship with for about almost 2 years. This was my first ever relationship and it was very far from the average relationship. We were long distance, but I would visit very often and we would talk everyday. I found out however that he would often mess with other girls and he hurt me a lot. He has cheated on me several times and broke up with me for another girl despite telling me it was because he was overstressed with school work. We got back together and things went pretty well until the flirting started all over again and he eventually left me for a girl he just met. Mind you this was around the time that I found out my mom was really sick and would be passing away soon. I should be strongly disliking this person, but instead I let him back in when my mom passed away.

He kept talking to me about getting back together and I believed him. This went on for almost 6 months until I found out he had gotten a girlfriend. I felt hurt and just picked up the phone that day and screamed at him some pretty terrible things. I don't know why...maybe it was because I felt lonely or missed him, but I actually apologized and asked to be friends again. I really did think I could just be his friend, but when he started telling me things like 'what would you do if I asked you to be my girlfriend' or 'if I kissed you' etc I thought that he might still have some feelings for me. I did a stupid thing about two weeks ago and told him I still love him on the phone. I don't know where this came from. He ended up telling me he met a girl recently and was dating her and how he was just joking with me. I felt so hurt, but I wanted to try and maintain some friendship for some reason. He kept brushing me off whenever I would contact him though so I just stopped talking to him for the past week because I just feel like I'm bugging him and it hurts more.

Well recently I met this new guy who lives in my area. He's really kind and we connected right from the start. We have so much in common and we can talk on the phone for hours. I feel like he's the perfect guy for me, but part of me keeps hesitating a lot and it feels like something is missing. I can't tell if this is because I still might have some feelings for my ex. I of course will take things slow with this new guy, but I hate this weird feeling I keep getting about something missing or just randomly missing my ex sometimes. This isn't the first guy this has happened with. I just don't want this to keep repeating.

What's going on with me? It's like a viscous cycle I can't get out of. It's always ex hurts me>do my own thing for awhile>meet a very nice guy>feel like something is wrong and I can't go through with it so I run to my ex. It's always the same story. I feel like I will never move on. I know my ex is not the one for me. I understand he treated me very poorly and I don't deserve that so why do I keep falling into this cycle? I have met some very amazing guys and I feel great in the beginning, but then this weird feeling I can't explain creeps in and I just start missing my ex/getting scared to keep moving forward.

[hvert]

I wonder if this pattern is sort of common. I used to have a similar cycle:

1. Date a bad boy, someone who didn't treat me well but who was very exciting to be around.
2. Relationship ends. Decide I was sick of dating bad boys and that I wanted to date someone nice for a change.
3. Realize that the person I thought was nice was actually not so nice or incredibly boring.
4. Go back to step 1.

It didn't work out quite as pat as that, but you get the idea. I broke the cycle by not dating ANYONE for a year. I made a list of deal breakers and stuck to it.

I used to think that I didn't like dating the 'nice' guys because there was something wrong with me, like I didn't want to be treated well, but that was not the case. When I really examined those relationships, those people were often just as bad as the not nice guys, but they expressed it in different ways.

If your instinct is telling you that you shouldn't be with this new guy, I'd spend some more time with that. Can you identify what triggers those feelings? I would be really hesitant to assume it is because you still have feelings for your ex. That could be part of it, but there could be another piece.

As for your ex, not talking to him at all for a good six months may finally let you kill off whatever feelings remain. He doesn't even sound worthy of your friendship.

It's really hard when you rationally know that someone isn't good for you but emotionally can't stop from reaching out to them. I hope it works out for you!

[kuro92]

Originally Posted by hvert

I wonder if this pattern is sort of common. I used to have a similar cycle:

1. Date a bad boy, someone who didn't treat me well but who was very exciting to be around.
2. Relationship ends. Decide I was sick of dating bad boys and that I wanted to date someone nice for a change.
3. Realize that the person I thought was nice was actually not so nice or incredibly boring.
4. Go back to step 1.

It didn't work out quite as pat as that, but you get the idea. I broke the cycle by not dating ANYONE for a year. I made a list of deal breakers and stuck to it.

I used to think that I didn't like dating the 'nice' guys because there was something wrong with me, like I didn't want to be treated well, but that was not the case. When I really examined those relationships, those people were often just as bad as the not nice guys, but they expressed it in different ways.

If your instinct is telling you that you shouldn't be with this new guy, I'd spend some more time with that. Can you identify what triggers those feelings? I would be really hesitant to assume it is because you still have feelings for your ex. That could be part of it, but there could be another piece.

As for your ex, not talking to him at all for a good six months may finally let you kill off whatever feelings remain. He doesn't even sound worthy of your friendship.

It's really hard when you rationally know that someone isn't good for you but emotionally can't stop from reaching out to them. I hope it works out for you!

Thank you so much for replying

I understand what you're saying. At first I thought it was maybe I'm bored with this new guy, but that's not the case. I think what triggers this whole missing/wanting to run back to my ex is I guess he's my comfort and I'm scared of this new change ending up in failure. It's like there will be times where I really look forward to talking to this new guy and then I'll find myself suddenly hesitating and just thinking about my ex and what we used to have. Then I'll actually start trying to find things wrong with this new guy to prevent me from talking to him. It's so weird. I do this a lot with guys lately.

I ended up dating my best friend right after my ex broke up with me a year ago(I know I rushed it) and it ended up in disaster. I lost interest very quickly and we broke up after a week. I always worry that will happen again. I haven't dated anyone in a year, but I never really stopped talking to my ex and having some hopes. I don't know if that was what is causing me to be so clingy. It's like you said, I know he's just not even worth a friendship so I don't get why I can't get that through my head.