Everyone (including myself) has always focused on my father as the more obvious abuser but I'm beginning to realize just how much damage my mother's inability to be a mother has affected me.

Sheesh, being invalidated and made to feel like you're worthless is one of the major traumas considered to cause BPD and she's still freaking doing it to me now. If now as an adult her ignorance of my feelings can cause these feelings imagine what it could do to a kid. Scratch that. I know what it could do to a kid.

Right now all I want to do is grab her and shake her and scream at her about how she is the mother, I am the daughter why can't she get that!?

Time and again I've asked her not to do something and have tried my best to explain why I don't want her to do and how it makes me feel. Time and again she does exactly what I've asked her not to do.

When questioned about why she does it when she knows I don't like it her only response is "I don't know." Apparently my feelings don't even matter enough for her to have a good reason for ignoring them.

When I was 15/16, shortly after my parents separated she became social with some distant relations. One member of that family would visit us a lot. He liked to 'tickle' me. I would beg her to keep him away from me instead she would go out of her way to make sure he could spend time with me. To the point where if she saw him while she was out she would tell him I was at home alone.

Now as an adult I think I can follow her train of thought. See, she enjoys 'getting a bite' out of people (a reaction in layman's terms) whether or not it is a good reaction or a bad reaction she doesn't care, as long as the focus is pointed at her. (It's something I've noticed much of now. She will do something I don't like and then when I get angry turn to the person she's with and say "See, told you I could get a bite.) Anyways by begging her to keep him away from me I was inadvertently giving her a reaction especially when I would become angry at her letting him near me.

Now I am less affected by what he did than by my mother's failure to protect me even though I honestly believe she didn't know what he was up to.

I've recently started a new job. A job I took purely for the opportunity to move from where we are now. It's only 45 minutes away but my mother has dug in her heels and is refusing to move. Despite the fact that I do not have my drivers license (driving scares me.) and it requires her to travel back and forth twice a day.

I can't talk to anyone about her because they almost always respond with that's just the way she is just let her be. They clearly know there's something not quite right with her.

Yeah, that's fine when you only have to deal with her every so often. Not when she's someone you are supposed to be able to depend on to look after you.

I can't even move out because she is incapable of living on her own. She is financially useless. Has never held a proper job in her life and is now living on a pension she receives because my father beat me.

It's not fair.

Why am I the one that has to support her.

During some of the biggest crises in my life it's been me trying to protect her (75% of the arguments between my father and I started because I was trying to defend her and now I'm beginning to think maybe he wasn't so in the wrong. That there is every chance she provoked him as she does me.) and I'm tired.

I want someone to look after me for once.

[Trippin2.0]

You're only obligated to look after your mother because you decide you are.

If you let her run your life and decide where you live and work, that's a decision only YOU will have to live with. Nobody else.

She's a growna.s.s woman whom you don't need to be sacrificing yourself for, you are choosing to not break this cycle of putting her first, choosing to once again be her parent, instead of looking out for and after yourself.

How long before you resent her for the choices you feel she "forced" you to make?
How long before you look back on missed opportunities and can't stand her?
How long before you can't stand the sight of her?

I know what it's like to want to be taken care of, I know what it's like to own responsibility when it was never even mine to begin with... and my mother didn't even "force" me, or need me to parent her, it's just how things ended up after some turn of events. So I know walking away from this situation is in no way easy.

What happens when you give her an ultimatum?

Eg; We're moving to such and such a location because I've found gainful employment there, etc.

I'm thinking, if she really wants you to be mothering her, she'll follow you to the new location, no matter how much of a tantrum she throws...

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by BeteNoire

Everyone (including myself) has always focused on my father as the more obvious abuser but I'm beginning to realize just how much damage my mother's inability to be a mother has affected me.

Sheesh, being invalidated and made to feel like you're worthless is one of the major traumas considered to cause BPD and she's still freaking doing it to me now. If now as an adult her ignorance of my feelings can cause these feelings imagine what it could do to a kid. Scratch that. I know what it could do to a kid.

Right now all I want to do is grab her and shake her and scream at her about how she is the mother, I am the daughter why can't she get that!?

Time and again I've asked her not to do something and have tried my best to explain why I don't want her to do and how it makes me feel. Time and again she does exactly what I've asked her not to do.

When questioned about why she does it when she knows I don't like it her only response is "I don't know." Apparently my feelings don't even matter enough for her to have a good reason for ignoring them.

When I was 15/16, shortly after my parents separated she became social with some distant relations. One member of that family would visit us a lot. He liked to 'tickle' me. I would beg her to keep him away from me instead she would go out of her way to make sure he could spend time with me. To the point where if she saw him while she was out she would tell him I was at home alone.

Now as an adult I think I can follow her train of thought. See, she enjoys 'getting a bite' out of people (a reaction in layman's terms) whether or not it is a good reaction or a bad reaction she doesn't care, as long as the focus is pointed at her. (It's something I've noticed much of now. She will do something I don't like and then when I get angry turn to the person she's with and say "See, told you I could get a bite.) Anyways by begging her to keep him away from me I was inadvertently giving her a reaction especially when I would become angry at her letting him near me.

Now I am less affected by what he did than by my mother's failure to protect me even though I honestly believe she didn't know what he was up to.

I've recently started a new job. A job I took purely for the opportunity to move from where we are now. It's only 45 minutes away but my mother has dug in her heels and is refusing to move. Despite the fact that I do not have my drivers license (driving scares me.) and it requires her to travel back and forth twice a day.

I can't talk to anyone about her because they almost always respond with that's just the way she is just let her be. They clearly know there's something not quite right with her.

Yeah, that's fine when you only have to deal with her every so often. Not when she's someone you are supposed to be able to depend on to look after you.

I can't even move out because she is incapable of living on her own. She is financially useless. Has never held a proper job in her life and is now living on a pension she receives because my father beat me.

It's not fair.

Why am I the one that has to support her.

During some of the biggest crises in my life it's been me trying to protect her (75% of the arguments between my father and I started because I was trying to defend her and now I'm beginning to think maybe he wasn't so in the wrong. That there is every chance she provoked him as she does me.) and I'm tired.

I want someone to look after me for once.

first let me start by saying i am a firm advocate of doing what is best for all parties involved..i like to come up with a diplomatic solution for everyone.
in your case here the best solution ( it may not be easy, but i think it is good)
is to move away from your mother and closer to your new job

this way you don't have to worry about needing her for a ride to work.
it sounds a lot to me like your mother is a lot like my father, he used to love to antagonize me as a child just for the hell of it. one time i was sitting in front of the tv and he slipped in a movie about spiders taking over a town,
it traumatized the hell out of me and to this day i am terrified of spiders, he
thought it was a funny joke..me not so much, always doing mean things to laugh at my reaction.torture, psychological torture

what you are going to need to do is move out on your own and get away from this woman, she is your mother yet she cares nothing for your feelings whatsoever..to let this person constantly antagonize you is FLAT OUT WRONG
it's mean, it's cruel and it's not right, i feel you are no way shape or form obligated by any law to take care of this woman, it's not like you are married to her no did you choose to be her child.

moving away from your parents can be difficult at times, after my mother and father divorced i lived with my mother for a while and i started to understand why my father left, my mother was quite explosive and violent..on the day i left home for good she hit me with a rolling pin ( hee hee remember those!)
it was solid wood and it really hurt..physically and emotionally i was 18 at the time all because i came home at 11pm the night before, i had had enough physical and emotional abuse from both of my parents at that time...i left and never looked back, i talked to my father for the first time in years this past Christmas..only to let things go and i rarely talk to my mother & i'm ok with that.

just because our parents gave birth to us doesn't give them an unlimited pass to treat us like crap, you deserve better than that..it's time to get out of that situation and live your own life