[lwood797]

Hello,
I’m in such confusion lately. I had been dating my guy for little over a year. Shortly after Christmas he got depressed and started acting like a bit of a jerk to me. He started talking with one of our mutual female friends and coworker a lot and even went out with her when he told me he was going with a group a friends and told his family he was going out with the guys. He called me crazy for thinking something was going on and that he wasn’t flirting. Eventually this all blew back at work because she gossiped about him and I breaking up. He and I had decided to take some time to work on being friends and making our relationship as a couple better. Since then things have gotten better between us. After two weeks of being “single” he initiated intimacy and since it seems to me like things were when we first started dating. We go out together, stay the night with each other, and he tells me he loves me and that he can live without other women but not without me. I’m not sure what he considers us, but according to his FB profile he is single. However, after talking to this girl because I wanted to work on my jealousy and wanted to get to a point where we could be friends again without me getting upset I found out that he hadn’t told her anything about him and I mending things. I happen to be visiting family this weekend and she told me him and her had planned on going to eat and hang out which he hadn’t mentioned. I know he is insecure about himself and think part of his flirting is just for the attention. When I bring anything of the sort up he gets very defensive. Says he does not flirt and that I’m just paranoid and insecure. I know he speaks to more than just this one woman and in my opinion what I know of the conversations it is flirting. Calling them beautiful how it cheers him up to see messages from them and smiling excessively etc. He hasn’t to my knowledge said anything to the extent he wants to be with them, but from a girls perspective it could be seen as flirting. I’m trying to give him space to be with his friends. I can even understand the need for an ego boost. I just can’t figure out if he is leading me along because he is too scared to end things or if he truly doesn’t think what he is doing is wrong and does want to be with me and is just a flirt. He doesn’t understand how I am upset by him wanting to go out with a girl who claimed to be one of my best friends, but when there was some trouble in our relationship told him she could picture marrying a guy like him, that they make each other so happy and have a lot in common, and that if he was unhappy with our relationship to change it. He even admitted to flirting with her before we started dating and that he has some feelings for her. He says I just need to let it go though, and I am truly trying but he keeps me second guessing about how he feels for me. I want to be the strong secure person I was when we started dating, but there are times it feels like he is hiding things and sneaking around, and some of the things he says when teasing make me second guess. I would be much more secure if he would say what he thinks we are. If we are friends with benefits, open relationship, whatever I’d be fine, but again if I try to have any conversation like that he gets upset. I do believe he loves me by how he acts and says when we are together. Do I give this more time and what can I do? Am I misreading his friendships? I’m trying to rebuild that trust. I know he needs space right now and I try to give it to him. Both of us have improved on the complaints we had about each other immensely. He used to when he was upset tease and mock me to the point of tears almost. Now even though he teases it isn’t hostile but more lighthearted like when we started dating and he stops before I get upset. I don’t nag him about things and try to let things go more. To give him the space he needs. Help me to understand this and how I can be more secure.
I’m just worried about him going out with other women. I want to give him space to go out with friends, but the friend he wants to go out with is the one that caused all our troubles. If he went out with any other person I’d be ok. Is he just trying to get a thrill or something? Or trying to be just friends with her like they were before we started having issues.I know she is the first friend he made when he moved here, but she is the only friend he seems to invest effort into hanging out with. He has guy friends from work, but doesn’t try to hang out with any of them. I’m close with his sister and she has told me he constantly seeks female attention for some reason. I told said girl that him and I were mending things and that it seemed to me to be going well. She told me thats cool that they were hanging out this friday and she wouldn’t be bitter about me and him getting back together(thank you so much for for not being bitter about getting back with the guy you tried to steal). Told her mainly because I don’t want drama at work because of all this again and we were becoming good friends before all of this. How can I get him to not need other womens attention and approval so much? He can be friends with them, but he fishes for compliments and praises them and thinks its not flirting or does and doesn’t care. I’m trying to back off. I go out with my friends more, but with our schedules(3rd) its hard to hang out with people not on our shift. And I haven’t really bonded with many of my coworkers beyond workplace friends. Part of me wants to say screw the jerk, make him move(same house seperate rooms), and never talk to him again. But I have never invested this much or cared this way before. I’ve had shallow flings, multi-year things that i just gave up on when I was bored, and even a marriage that failed. I have been shallow and am tired of just giving up on things when the first hurdle occurs. I think he wants to as well but is seeking some sort of independence. Commitment fear or something.

[hvert]

I think you would be more secure if you ended your romantic involvement with him. Whatever his reason is for acting the way he does, it doesn't sound like he is trustworthy or that he wants to commit to a relationship with anyone. Is he just stringing all of you along? Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[Travelinglady]

Hello, lwood797, and welcome to Psych Central!

I have to say I agree with hvert. As the saying goes, it sounds like he wants to "have his cake and eat it, too." It doesn't sound to me like he is really ready to settle down with one girl. Perhaps some immaturity, too?

I know it might be hard, but I think you should consider looking around to see what other men are available. I wouldn't want a relationship with a man I couldn't trust.

[lwood797]

Ok so since I wrote that first post which I admit was way too lengthy and a bit of a rant I've had some time to cool off and think things through. I know this girl is never going to have any sort of lasting relationship with him. From what I know of her and what others who have known her longer tell me she is just a tease and enjoys drama. Is 27, a virgin, and never had a relationship longer than 6 months.

I also realize he needs friends outside of us and that guys tend to test their freedom when they feel suffocated or trapped in a relationship. Which happens around the time the honeymoon phase wears off. I'd like for him to pursue friendships other than her, and when he transfers shifts he will be around other people and have that opportunity. I know working nights has killed both our social lives and we need to have friendships outside this small group of people. I can handle them being friends so long as he puts me first and doesn't pursue her. I just have to trust him on that.

After the major drama settled down he has shown that he wants to work on our relationship. There were things I complained about that he does work on. Physical touch, teasing excessively etc. We started going to church again which we both drifted from. I wandered a lot and was lost in a very dark place for awhile after my divorce. I want to become more active in that community and when I find a day job as well(resume's in keep fingers crossed) I plan to do just that. Part of me is taking all this as a test from God to help us grow. Whether I can have faith and trust in another person. Whether I can stand by someone when things aren't easy(in past I've just bailed). We both are at points in our lives where we do need to grow up some and focus on what the future holds. I don't think that kind of maturity comes without some sort of test or hardship though. At least not in all cases. Sometimes you need a slap in the face that says hey stop doing the same dumb things.

We do have some space. Like I said I'm going out with friends. Trying not to get angry when he wants to hang out with that one friend. And encouraging him to hang out with other friends. I may be being a fool for giving it a second chance, but I do love him and can't just give up on it if there is the chance to work things out and be better in the end. I'm prepared if things don't go as I hope though.