[nevertheless002]

hi to everyone who is reading,

I am facing a problem in my life I need to and I want to overcome , if there is a way... I have not been diagnosed with any mental issue yet, my T says its still too early to say whether there is some personality disorder or else... anyway, seems like i ve ended up in my therapy, because of my past - no very less to no communication with ppl, world... - and long lasting destructive activities (computer games) - just to let the time pass by, without me even noticing anything... even my life...
so when the "moment of clarity" came it was really painful seeing that trhoughout my past I have not left any memorable trace... in ppls hearts.. i felt empty as ****... empty as empty ****,
it was miserable times, and as i used to do earlier, i erased the pain by losing conscioussness in PC games again and so it continued to repeat a few times,
. . . im on my way to cope with that wasted opportunities, wasted years of my life, thanx to my T, but there is one effect that now has impact on my life,
I wasnt used to communicate with people, and its actually tragi-comic when i take the first steps of building a relationship with my T. .. . completely something new for me..... experiencing first of my consciouss communications (first grade circle of ppl only)... feels good too...

Im still completely unable to start, continue, create verbal/non verbal conversation with ppl around me at university.... even in class.. i just sit silently, talking only if necessary, ..
If i happen to be able to talk to some1.. its hard for me to build up relationship that would feel good..

I am an introvert, but I would really like to reach out and talk to people, my introversion limits me at that but at least in small bits I rlly want to enjoy human contact.... Im just alone... and when I try, I have a feeling that people hate me / are absolutely not interested in talking to me., find me weird , the cold and disgust in their eyes is like a monster haunting every stammer i try to make up and take out of me... I fail everytime to make a good impression.......

Honestly I love people, I just.... cant make it work.. both ways like that...
am I really just set to be the odd one..?

[Rose76]

This is a tough problem to overcome. That's because learning social skills takes time and practice. You lost a lot of time spent doing solo things like the games on the computer. So you have a lot of catching up to do. As with anything new, we tend to make mistakes in the beginning. No one is very good at something that they are new at. So you will have to endure some pain to come out of your shell. Make up your mind that the pain won't kill you. It won't, if you see it for what it is - struggling to succeed at something you don't know much about. The more you try, the more you will learn.

You already show a warm interest in people, so your situation is far from hopeless. You may find you do best in situations where there is some activity to structure your interaction with people. For that reason, I recommend volunteer activity. Your help will be much appreciated by someone somewhere. It may involve you doing something that feels kind of boring for awhile. Your willingness to put up with that is the gift you can give. It will take time, and for awhile it may seem that getting involved is not getting you anywhere. You have to be willing to be very patient.

I'm glad you are developing a relationship with your therapist. There is one thing about that which I would warn you about. Being with a therapist can feel very safe. The T is always focused on you and interested in whatever you have to say. That is not how interaction with people happens outside of the offices of Ts. So it can get you to where you only want to interact with your T, where that happens more easily. Force yourself to do things that feel kind of risky. That is how you will learn to cope.

In the end, trying to come out of your solitude will be worth it. Being alone is not fun for anyone. There are no computer games that can give us what we need as humans, which is contact with other humans. Good luck. You can do it.