[bluedolphin92]

Hi all,

It's been awhile since I've been on this site. Decided to come back because I have an issue that I'd like some advice about. I guess I should start off with some background info. I've already talked about this past issue at length here, but it's been awhile and I doubt anyone remembers it, and I don't want to make people backtrack through my posts. Plus I'm finally sort of getting over the past issue so it kind of embarrasses me how upset it made me back then, I don't even want to read those old posts anymore. Anyway, background info...

About a year ago I met a guy who I had been friends with on an online forum for about 7 years. It was my first time meeting him in real life, but I'd sort of had a crush on him for quite awhile. Long story short, we met, hooked up, and then he left and basically dropped off the face of the earth for awhile without warning. After awhile he tells me he can't do a long distance relationship. That really hurt me. He stayed distant for awhile, but then slowly seemed to start coming back again. Eventually he started talking about coming to see me again. I was totally into the idea but kept asking him when it could happen and he never gave an answer. Eventually, he just stopped talking to me. I texted and called him multiple times but never heard anything back. It's like he just vanished. This happened back in early October. Again, I was really upset. But I eventually did move on.

Now for the issue I need advice about...
Well, sometime around January or February I started to notice this guy that's in a student organization I'm in on campus (a board game club). I'd known him since the start of the school year in August, but it wasn't until that time that I started to develop a crush on him. The crush got stronger as time went on, but I was nervous about making a move and never really had the opportunity to anyway. Finally, on the last Friday of the semester (May 2) I got my chance. He asked me for a ride to a storage unit his parents had rented out for the summer so he could store some of his games there (He lives on campus and walks to the club meetings but knows I drive to them). After I drove him there I drove him back to his dorm. While we were parked outside his dorm and he was saying goodbye, I leaned over and hugged him as best I could in the car, kissed him on the cheek, and then on the lips. I did initiate the kiss but he kissed me back and seemed to be into it.

Problem is, I do want to have a relationship with this new guy. I know I'll have to wait until we're back in school in August, since he lives on the other side of the state and we're both going to be busy over the summer. I just don't know what, if anything, I can do in the mean time. I have his number but we've only texted twice since I saw him last, once initiated by me and once by him. I just can't stop thinking about what happened with the guy from last year, how much that whole ordeal hurt, and how much I'd like to avoid it in the future. I'd known that other guy longer and went a lot further with him than I did with this new guy. Nothing came out of that past situation, so now I worry the same thing is going to happen again. How can I make sure that the new guy knows how I feel about him? That I want to start dating him when we're back in school? How can I get past the insecurities that my past situation has left me with?

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by bluedolphin92

Hi all,

It's been awhile since I've been on this site. Decided to come back because I have an issue that I'd like some advice about. I guess I should start off with some background info. I've already talked about this past issue at length here, but it's been awhile and I doubt anyone remembers it, and I don't want to make people backtrack through my posts. Plus I'm finally sort of getting over the past issue so it kind of embarrasses me how upset it made me back then, I don't even want to read those old posts anymore. Anyway, background info...

About a year ago I met a guy who I had been friends with on an online forum for about 7 years. It was my first time meeting him in real life, but I'd sort of had a crush on him for quite awhile. Long story short, we met, hooked up, and then he left and basically dropped off the face of the earth for awhile without warning. After awhile he tells me he can't do a long distance relationship. That really hurt me. He stayed distant for awhile, but then slowly seemed to start coming back again. Eventually he started talking about coming to see me again. I was totally into the idea but kept asking him when it could happen and he never gave an answer. Eventually, he just stopped talking to me. I texted and called him multiple times but never heard anything back. It's like he just vanished. This happened back in early October. Again, I was really upset. But I eventually did move on.

Now for the issue I need advice about...
Well, sometime around January or February I started to notice this guy that's in a student organization I'm in on campus (a board game club). I'd known him since the start of the school year in August, but it wasn't until that time that I started to develop a crush on him. The crush got stronger as time went on, but I was nervous about making a move and never really had the opportunity to anyway. Finally, on the last Friday of the semester (May 2) I got my chance. He asked me for a ride to a storage unit his parents had rented out for the summer so he could store some of his games there (He lives on campus and walks to the club meetings but knows I drive to them). After I drove him there I drove him back to his dorm. While we were parked outside his dorm and he was saying goodbye, I leaned over and hugged him as best I could in the car, kissed him on the cheek, and then on the lips. I did initiate the kiss but he kissed me back and seemed to be into it.

Problem is, I do want to have a relationship with this new guy. I know I'll have to wait until we're back in school in August, since he lives on the other side of the state and we're both going to be busy over the summer. I just don't know what, if anything, I can do in the mean time. I have his number but we've only texted twice since I saw him last, once initiated by me and once by him. I just can't stop thinking about what happened with the guy from last year, how much that whole ordeal hurt, and how much I'd like to avoid it in the future. I'd known that other guy longer and went a lot further with him than I did with this new guy. Nothing came out of that past situation, so now I worry the same thing is going to happen again. How can I make sure that the new guy knows how I feel about him? That I want to start dating him when we're back in school? How can I get past the insecurities that my past situation has left me with?

Wow...you've gone the distance of upheaval, haven't you? I realize the other relationship soured, and honestly, you have no reason to blame yourself--even tho that is what we are so good at!--but it WAS a learning moment.

The struggle is just beginning, however if you use your wits, your caution and your insight into yourself, based on the previous situation (without allowing the hurt from it to color your judgment, nor the fear of repetition to make you stumble into a possible mistake already made)..this might work for you. If it doesn't, at least you'll know you tried and gave it and yourself a fair shake.

The last one 'dropped off the face of the earth'...yes, that happens, and it sucks. But you need to stop asking yourself 'why'...'what did I do'...because you didn't do anything. You were you. He was himself. His needs and consequent fears, instabilities dictated the end of your relationship. As you indicate, you were all for it. He's the one who seemed uncertain, and then just disappeared in a less than gallant move to escape, and twist no thoughts into something more of a fantasy...he escaped. Not from you, per se, but from what he saw as more than he could handle. For whatever reason. That should not be important to you, right now....his reason. Nor should the thought of explaining to the new guy why you're afraid of being hurt. You can't get ahead of yourself, now. You have something far more important to focus on.....YOU.

This new guy sounds interested, and I understand you've texted twice, and that you would like very much to date him when you both get back to school, but that it's gonna be a lonnnng summer waiting. You know what? It's okay to wait. Really, it is.

If you haven't already done so in your previous two texts, (and those two were not done like...yesterday...if so...wait for at least 2 weeks, seriously)....text him ONCE more, wish him a happy summer, say you enjoyed spending time with him in the club and would be interested in talking to him when you get back to school. NOT dating...NOT seeing....talking to him. There is a subtle inference from that word. I don't know why, but there is. Maybe its the ambiguity. It says you're interested but your not losing sleep. Which is intriguing to anyone...especially a man.

I know it's a cliche' but it's proven time and time again...men prefer to do the pursuing...up to a point. They appreciate if a woman take the initiative but you have to give them room...allow them a choice. And if he thinks you're interested but that you're going to enjoy your summer too....and not be pining over him...he is far more likely to want to look you up when you both return to school.

And then ENJOY your summer! Get involved in whatever activities that interest you, friends, family....go on dates if it comes up....I'm not saying forget him, because if he was into the kiss, I don't think he's going to forget you. But be true to yourself.....give him a moment to appreciate you for what you gave him....intrigue, and interest without smothering.

At the very least, you'll have a good summer...at the best, you'll meet each other when you return to school...and he'll be eager to pick up where you left off.

Take care

[Parley]

Originally Posted by bluedolphin92

I'd known that other guy longer and went a lot further with him than I did with this new guy. Nothing came out of that past situation, so now I worry the same thing is going to happen again. How can I make sure that the new guy knows how I feel about him? That I want to start dating him when we're back in school? How can I get past the insecurities that my past situation has left me with?

I wouldn't go telling the new guy you want a relationship with him. Not yet. I suggest you stay in contact thru the summer. a little flirting never hurt anyone. You will have a better idea if he likes you and hopefully you will have a better understanding of his intentions as well. Slow and steady!

The other guy~ perhaps you didn't know him better. You just knew him longer and there is a difference. With the new guy you get to see how he interacts with people, the type of people he hangs with, body language, and everything else that helps form our opinions. With the last one you had your imagination/fantasy and his words. He became the perfect guy.

I am so sorry you went through that, it had to be emotionally devastating.

I know that isn't easy but perhaps taking it slow will allow you to form trust and if not, maybe you can get your feet wet with a little flirting and just putting yourself out there again.

One last thing... Please be careful meeting men on the internet. All you have is what they tell you. You are so young and it would be tragic to lose your faith in humanity by dealing with mean spirited men on the internet. You deserve better.

[bluedolphin92]

waiting4: Yeah, the guy from before was really my first romantic experience of any kind, which makes it even harder to know what to do in this new situation since I don't really have any positives to compare to. I still sometimes wonder why he seemed perfectly alright with throwing out a 7 year friendship so suddenly, but whatever. I try not to let it bring me down anymore. And I wasn't planning on straight up telling the new guy I want to date him, nor letting my thoughts of him prevent me from enjoying myself over the summer. I'll probably text him again in a few days, and occasionally over the summer just to maintain the friendship. I'm just wondering if, when it gets closer to school being back in session, it would be appropriate to ask him to hang out? Not necessarily as a "date", but just a chance to catch up after not seeing him all summer?

Parley: Slow and steady is pretty much my exact intent right now. I know better than to straight up tell him I want a relationship right here and now. Texting him from time to time was pretty much my intent, and I suppose the occasional flirting at the appropriate time could ensure that he knows I'm interested, so I can try to incorporate that. And the past experience was devastating indeed. But those kinds of things happen, I suppose. That really is a good way of putting it that the last guy was mostly just one of my own imagination. I do feel like I know the new guy better already, despite not knowing him as long. I've learned my lesson about guys from the internet.

[hvert]

Just to throw another thought into the mix-- I would stay open to meeting someone else you might like to date this summer. Don't make yourself unavailable because you want to wait for the perfect opportunity to date this new crush. A lot can happen over the course of a summer!

[bluedolphin92]

Originally Posted by hvert

Just to throw another thought into the mix-- I would stay open to meeting someone else you might like to date this summer. Don't make yourself unavailable because you want to wait for the perfect opportunity to date this new crush. A lot can happen over the course of a summer!

I know that, and I doubt I would turn down the opportunity if someone came along who I was interested in...But I kinda doubt that will happen. It's just that when I start to take a liking to someone in this way (and think I have some kind of reasonable chance with them)...I just don't tend to start liking someone else all of a sudden. It can be annoying at times, but it's just how I am. Not to mention that I don't really like just "dating". Also, if this guy is interested in me but is waiting until school starts up to move forward with things, I would feel like I had led him on were I to go and start something up with someone else over the summer.