[SlowlyISigh]

Simply put, I've had it up to here with people who KNOW my condition telling me how a normal person my age should act when it's CLEAR that I'm QUITE not normal to begin with. Whenever I get frustrated with something my aunt's said, she tells me that I'm acting like a teenager and to suck it up. I dunno, maybe SHE'S the one being immature by essentially saying that she can say whatever she wants and others just have to deal with it? Sounds very one-sided to me, but that's been typical my whole life. And I know what you're probably thinking: well, that's just life. Yeah? Well I hate the way life is. I hate society, I hate a whole bunch of stuff. I could always just take my life, but for some crazy reason people don't want me to do that either. I wish others would just mind their own business, because those who have tried to "help" me the most and said "it's for your own good" have been the ones to hurt me the most, and it's happening all over again.

I made a friend who just happens to be a guy, and now she thinks we're dating or that otherwise there's a risk of me falling for him, and she's more concerned about that than actually congratulating me on HAVING a friend. He is literally the first person I've been able to just hang out with, and I'm 21 years old. She knows that, she knows how lonely I've been, and just this morning she had the nerve to say something along the lines of "well you only have one friend". Yeah? I went to a convention about a month ago in hopes of making more, since I want more and since she pressured me to be more social, saying that doing otherwise is "ungodly", and just about everyone is ignoring me, wrapped up in their own little clique. So yeah, I've tried. I'm not a freaking miracle worker, and I'm SO tired of people expecting me to be one. So what if we do start dating? She thinks that there's this procedure you have to follow with guys, like walking on eggshells when it comes to discussing your feelings because "it's in a man's nature to not listen and you can't change that", yet one of my guy friends just recently told me that he WANTS his girl to express how she feels. So yeah. She seems to think she knows everything about everyone, yet she didn't even know about depression. She's been in the ARMY most of her life. From what I can tell, you're not ALLOWED to be depressed there. I already know so much more about different kinds of people than she does, but somehow she's still always right about everything. So yeah. Forgive me if I'm extremely pissed right now.

What's really funny is that she doesn't even know I have a crush on a GIRL. Technically, she's a genderfluid, but she uses female pronouns so. And yeah, I kinda like this guy too, but that tends to happen with anyone who's nice to me and actually cares. Oh, the Hell I would get if she found out about that. She thinks that gay and trans people are an abomination, yet thinks that being an asshole is all right, especially among men. It's just in their nature, she says. Don't try to change them, she says. It's hilarious, really, because she's only making me sway towards girls more with those kinds of statements. She doesn't need to worry, because I'm certain that neither of them like me back. Same as always. Whee, now she can be happy.

I don't know. I'm just...so tired and frustrated. I've been living with her for the past nine months since my mother is still beyond any hope of sanity, and I'm trying my best to pick up the pieces and start my life over. I'm afraid to apply to jobs because I know that the constant rejection will put me deeper and deeper into my hole, and just recently I was seriously considering suicide. She just doesn't understand that. My therapist talked with her the other day and I thought things would be better, but from what my therapist said just yesterday and the things my aunt was saying today, I don't think she got it at all. As she pointed out, I don't have any friends to stay with, so I'm basically stuck here, and I don't know how much longer I can take that. I appreciate what she has done for me, but if this keeps up, I'm going to end up worse off than I was when I came here.

[lostconfusedhopeles]

Hi im sorry to hear about the situation. I know whats its like to feel that way. In my opinion i think that your aunt might have some issues inside and her coping stratage is to take it out on someone else. I could be wrong but thats just my opinion. My dad is the same way with me until recently when i had a baby and didnt tell him i was pregnant until a couple days before i had it. Im not saying you should do that but i think that you should maybe try to find a time and invite maybe a neighbor or anyone that you trust and have them come over and sit down with you and your aunt and you should tell her what your feelings are.

Hi, I think it's good to vent, hopefully it helped you to feel a little better. I think most of us have probably run into the kind of people that think mental illness is in your head, gender and sexuality are black and white, etc., so even if it feels like you're alone in the situation you find yourself in, I promise you're not. My father has preferred to pretend I don't exist for years because I can't just pick myself up by my bootstraps.

Venting aside, I would like to say one thing and please don't take it as a harsh judgment or admonishment. It's just I've been in a similar place to where you are now in the past, in my early to mid 20s working my *** off despite mental illness and instead of confronting and treating the problem I turned all of my frustrations outward. Angry about every news article, every jerk in the world, every person at work who made work for me, who drove inconsiderately... so on. I spent so much energy just being angry and I don't know why. Maybe to distract myself from how much I myself was struggling? Not sure.

Anyway, I say this only because it sounds like you may be in a similar place. And a change isn't easy and it certainly won't come over night... but basically, we cannot control or change every jerk or ignorant person in the world, everyone who judges us or others unfairly... we just can't. There isn't enough time or energy to take them all. The only thing we can control is how we react to it. After many years I finally got to a place where I can let go of many of the things I cannot control. Another small family example: I'm coming up on 30 years old and my grandmother tells me every time she sees me I need to cut my hair and shave my beard and will even send me gift cards to do it, HINT HINT. Sends me her church pamphlets because I'm a nonbeliever.. because she comes from a different time/place. It used to annoy the crap out of me... now I just laugh to myself about it and am more comfortable in being who I am and letting her be who she is even if we don't see eye to eye. Everyone is different and I'm not sure my ignoring/finding the humor in others is the RIGHT way to do things but I know I feel much better without a lot of that negative energy that used to just eat me up inside. Still slip up from time to time.

I'm really sorry if this came off poorly. There's nothing wrong with the way you are or the way you react to things by any stretch of the imagination. Just wanted to say it can get easier with time and experience. Hang in there. No matter what she thinks of you or your sexuality, just keep being yourself. She has as little power to change you as you do her.