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  #1  
Old May 22, 2014, 04:18 PM
deejade deejade is offline
Junior Member
 
Member Since: Mar 2014
Location: Spokane Valley
Posts: 6
I am struggling really badly here. This whole thing is so f***ed up!
I can't get into "professional help" for a bit, so please don't suggest that.
I just need some guidance or ANYTHING as of now.
I'll give a brief background.
First off I'm a female. Growing up my mom was pretty hard on me, I didn't take it well. I've always had severe anxiety and depression, and it has only gotten worse as I've gotten older. I'm on anti depressants and anti anxiety right now but it's obviously still pretty bad. I've been suicidal a long time and went through a really bad adderall addiction for a while too.
Also growing up, I was exposed to some bad shiz way early. I was molested by some messed up teenagers through the beginning of elementary school, I knew the entirey of sex and reproduction by the time I was 7. I started watching porn at nine, masturb@ting by ten, and was an avid porn watcher by eleven. AVID. WTF?
I dated several really bad people, first time was freshman year. He was emotionally abusive and degraded me and my name in our town. He also pushed me into sexual things I was NOT ready for. It was awful. By the time I was 15, I thought sex was a weapon or a...gift. Either. Idk. I used it well. I dated a guy who cheated on me, so I dumped him and lost my virginity at 16.
Ever since then I have become PRO at hooking up, anytime I want, whoever I want. I learned that I was good looking, and not ugly like I was told by bullies my whole life, and used it to my advantage. I am also emotional though, so things would always end a little rough (things are fine now though), just because of my immaturity. I only had a couple "official" relationships, both of which I cheated just because.. Idk. I literally don't know how to describe it.
I hooked up with one guy, ended up dating him a year and a half. He was very controlling and manipulative. I got raped during our relationship (right after graduation) and he did nothing to support me. I also at one point cheated on him out of anger after being raped. I became friends with my now boyfriend (soon to be fiance) and cheated on my boyfriend at the time, (I knew I was leaving him though, I literally moved out the next morning) and am with my now boyfriend. I stopped watching porn (besides a couple times I CANNOT CONTROL MYSELF) once I started dating him.
He is perfect and amazing and my best friend. I want to be with him my whole life, he is so supportive and great. I could go on and on and try to make my point but when you know, you know, ya know? Ha.
Well I am struggling now. Badly. I am back to my suicidal thoughts and plans, I am stressed and scared and emotional and lonely. And I want to cheat. I don't want to hurt my boyfriend... but I want that emotional fling night. Just one. But with several people. I'm such a piece of ***** I literally have like a list in my head of people I want to hook up with and how I would do it etc.
My boyfriend wants to propose this summer and I want that too. But... I am scared. I am so scared. For the first time in my life I am free and (mostly) confident and know how the world works and stuff and I am scared I'm losing that. This is my last year of life really before I have to really get my crap together for University and get a full-time job, start paying off loans, etc. I KNOW I want to be with my BF. But I also KNOW I need to get some crap out of my system now while I can otherwise I'll spend my whole life living in regret. I'm only 20. Not even 21! WaAAaAaAT?!
Please help me. I am crying as I write this I have no idea what to do. It is all I can think about and I feel so guilty.
I'm addicted.
I'm addicted to the staying up late and talking and being deep with each other and sweet and then falling into passion (literally that's exactly what happens everytime).
I almost did a couple weekends ago but I restrained (for now).
I am addicted to it and NEED it and don't know how to stop.
My heart is breaking.... please help.
Hugs from:
anon20141119, Travelinglady

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  #2  
Old May 23, 2014, 12:23 AM
naked naked is offline
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Member Since: May 2014
Location: california
Posts: 1
I think you should tell your fiance about this stuff or at least a little bit about it, your history your feelings etc... you should try and be honest as possible with him
  #3  
Old May 23, 2014, 12:27 AM
Travelinglady's Avatar
Travelinglady Travelinglady is offline
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Member Since: Sep 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 49,212
Hi, deejade, and welcome to Psych Central! As you say, your current behavior is the result of what you went through in the past. I also agree that you are young to be thinking about settling into a marriage relationship, especially since you do have these unresolved issues.

You might want to head over to the Survivors of Abuse forum here and tell them what you are dealing with. I suspect some of them will understand and can also offer some thoughts and maybe suggestions for working through your past.
  #4  
Old May 23, 2014, 01:03 AM
blur blur is offline
Grand Member
 
Member Since: Apr 2011
Posts: 888
you've been through a lot in your young life. it's great you've found someone wonderful but it's okay to not get engaged right away. as for the addiction have you thought about going to a 12-step program? there are groups for both love addicts and sex & love addicts. maybe just read some of their materials and see if that helps. take care. you don't need to be so hard on yourself.
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~ formerly bloom3
  #5  
Old May 23, 2014, 09:25 AM
deejade deejade is offline
Junior Member
 
Member Since: Mar 2014
Location: Spokane Valley
Posts: 6
thank you so much everybody, i really appreciate the supportive answers...
  #6  
Old May 23, 2014, 11:56 AM
deejade deejade is offline
Junior Member
 
Member Since: Mar 2014
Location: Spokane Valley
Posts: 6
another problem i have is that i am extremely insecure. i am constantly worrying about my boyfriend choosing porn/strippers/etc over me. although i know he won't. i am always worried about having too small of breasts etc...
is this my own messed up thoughts coming out as insecurities?
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