[Yismymindblank12]

I don't mind relationships, I just can't stand how all the time I'm very incompatible and opening up is hard because I know they won't agree, but I respect how they feel, but it's what they say out of ignorance or feel like I'm less of a human from either how they respond with something hurtful or just silence of not a good kind of silence. I find it stupid, I have not ever found one female. I'm not constantly, I just get scared for girls to want a relationship, because it's not going to work. I mean in my mind yeah because I don't want to disappoint because I'm not like them. I don't want to be a guy whose pulled around. I don't want a stereotypical relationship.
I just want to feel free around this person. I mean I'm non monogamous, doesn't mean at all I will cheat. I despise cheating from anyone. I respect other people's relationships which mentioning it is irrelevant other than my only words of credibility.
I can't talk to girls who are completely ignorant, I use the word stupid a lot for those certain people not just females, but I'm not saying she is stupid and can't think for herself, I mean she can't be respectful to anyone because she won't understand her actions or how to really love.
Those are the kind of girls I attract, I started saying no a lot, because I don't care how hot or whatever if you like me or not. I don't want it, because when I get red flags like, "you're the guy do this that and everything for me because that's what guys do."
That's where I put my foot down I find it ridiculous for me to do that. If I want to be a gentleman it's on my perrogative and out of my genuine self that I want to be on my A game not because I'm expected to because of my body parts. I don't pressure females for sex, I don't like being like being pressured by anyone.
I find this so frustrating I'm like not wanting to date or anything and girls are like being vulgar not in the joking way. I mean some females are worse than dudes. It's sounds silly to most guys who say stuff like, "quit complaining chicks want to bang you. You're lucky I can take that off your hands."
I'm fed up, that girls I meet don't understand me ever. I get so sad sometimes, because I want to be a girl I want to have the abilities to do what most girls do and be a lesbian, because I don't worry bout being a guy as a barrier.
This sounds weird to most people, but it's what I suffer when I go in public or places with friends. I have lots of female friends and a lot of guy friends. I'm happy being poly not polygamy, because I don't want marriage I don't believe in it, but mainly I've always wanted to be in a serious relationship/more of a close girlfriend friendship like girls do when they go out do things together. It makes me so sad, because sometimes, I've been told a lot it won't ever work people don't understand and will stick to what they know in monogamy.
It's scary I mean when a girl talks bout being monogamous to me, because I'm not going to convert her. I gotta tell her straight up it's not going to work immediately, because I'm not going to try to impress or go out my way for something that won't happen. I find it annoying that people who I can potentially match with don't exist much where I live and my age or people who think like me with that who are female, because most of the time like a lot of young people my age still can't think for themselves and makes it hard to distinguish people who are poly and people who want whatever.
I'm trying to get to the point is that, being yourself is all you can do, but it's very discouraging when you're yourself and people believe in a society that be yourself except if you're like this that this or that you're not normal and not capable of anything or love whatever. I'm serious people think like that a lot guys and girls around me try to pressure me to settle for this person or that. I'm like no, can't I ever meet one person I'm actually attracted to a lot that I like back that can agree with me with common interests to make it easier to feel intimate.
Other than that being single is awesome. I just get scared bout that stuff.

[Travelinglady]

I am sure that's very frustrating. Is it like, in a way, you would like a girl who is more like a sister--someone you can have fun with and feel comfortable with, with no expectations otherwise?

Oh, yeah, intimacy can be scary.

[Yismymindblank12]

Yes that's exactly it

[Yismymindblank12]

In addition to that, my relationship with my younger sister is the same behavior of what an older wiser sister might have protecting her younger sister. Making sure she doesn't be taken advantage of by other guys, plus my body does resemble a women's figure except my waist on shape. Naturally my behavior is feminine, but I share feelings and a lifestyle as a man which is ok, it's good being on both sides of the fence understanding the behaviors and reality thoughts and actions, but there is so much confusion.

Deep down, I can't spill too much why I want to be a girl in this body, that will come slowly in time, but I know that being woman has been my nature since birth. My alter ego is a go getting, seductive, unavailable, classy, friendly, sociable, likable, political, thinks very clearly and independent, but has respect for all life and shows compassion. It's what I know, and this body confuses me day and day out, when I look in the mirror I see a female body that isn't there. I don't even mean a hallucination, like genetically, I definitely wouldn't rule out somewhere in my early development, my sex was determined so last minute, I resembled traits of a female physically maybe mentally too, but as soon as I was determined a boy, I would have both traits, but one would be more dominant than the other, but also equal and opposite balance.

I mean is in short, I was born with a male body with female qualities, but also mentally I have a female analytical mind, emotions of intimacy and nurturing like a mother and most girls growing up, but at the same time I have the drive and passion to do something like most men who think ahead. It has its advantages, but the only problem it gets very confusing, because I love women, but when I talk to them my way of speaking is hard to understand for most people, because my brain acts on baoth like a man and a woman at the same time.

As of now, my mind thinks like man who has a direction with passion and confidence with my answers, but the part that confuses most women, is my submissive behavioral traits that are more feminine they aren't really bad, but strange and confusing to other women and they don't know what to think. It's difficult to talk to people, because I am a very very intelligent human, but the thing is I used to have a social phobia for being too smart, because I couldn't relate to one person. As of now, I don't have that issue, but I still suffer it time to time now, but more or less it's about my I notice I have hip bones shaped like a female naturally except I don't have the curvature of a waist, I just have the bones that would more or less can shape it.

It's really interesting, but I did my research on myself for this on genetics for years and came up the brain can have two constant battle of feminine and masculine for people like me, which most people in the LGBTQ community have experienced and even straight people too, except. Most of all those people can come to terms on what is familiar and feels right to them the most of what identity on many reasons and stick to that, I mean the only group is trans community that understands a lot, but in my case I'm far separated from even them.

It's much more complex and unique my therapists from every doctor I've seen have been more than baffled bout me and find out new things everyday. The simple solution is accept being a man in this body, but stay to my rights and qualities of being a woman and accept I love being a woman and a man, but I can't stand the consequences of being seen as a man by other women confusing them thinking I'm a guy, but in actuality I'm not. The thing is with being a big sister, it's much deeper than being what I desire to be or just simply I'm a woman trapped in a man's body. It's much deeper than that, I knew deep in my heart as I was born I felt what it's like being a woman throughout my early life and acted as one, because I thought I was being normal, but around I was 5 or 6 people treated me very funny, because I didn't know that their was such a thing as being a man. I didn't know I thought I was a different woman till then I never understood what a gender was.

The thing that baffles my therapist, how I know and am aware when I have psychosis and understand so much of my surroundings at the same time. I only tell them is that is in knowing too much you go mad as a side effect, I don't hate it neither do I love it. The same of being a woman, I don't hate how I was designed I accepted I was a woman deep down inside and sorta out, but I hate how I have to deal with my struggles, being a man and have to man up and assume the role just to get what I need for my own personal pursuits and happiness. I find it advantageous because I want to help women with my issues on this. I'm a feminist, but I'm against shaming anyone for anything.

I'm for women doing great things, I don't mind the nurturing and emotions and for men to find acceptance. My goal is for gender equality for both men and women, I want men not to feel inferior to other men and embrace who they are by learning like they do now, but make it easier for a man if either a rape victim to a victim of any kind of trauma or natural disaster, feeling like he is helpless or not man enough to do the job. I want to help men who feel like they aren't man enough who have a strong sense of their identity of being a guy with insecurities to accept and take charge as a man, but for women, I want all women to continue to embrace love and show as much smiles and compassion and take the time to love themselves and not pressure themselves or other women to fall into false pretenses of self worth. I want to see someday more and more people find it popular to seek beauty in the individual on the outside and inside which to seek beauty in things they wouldn't assume they would be happy with and try it out and actually be curious and learn more about their self through experience alone with meeting new people every day from everywhere in the world. I want a man to learn his feminine side and just accept how far it goes without going to far and losing himself by trying to hard to be something he is not without his awareness. Also women embrace being happy and embark on just holding the world in their arms as a mother, the point is that it be easier to find the love of your life not through sadness and pain where your relationships are a temporary contract and your always taking a risk, I want the risk out of the equation so people can make more rash and logical decisions on both genders to make more functional personal relationships on their individual levels. Understanding that they should learn to let go of the stereo types of race and cultures and gender standards and accept that woman is no different than that man because of the body parts they were assigned to, but as in the heart they are aligned with and their goals are their goals alone and they will all find what they seek even if someone is different they could much easier go out to find what they are looking for without the stress of the risk, but keeping in mind of respecting others personal space.

I hope it makes sense, the thing is where this started from is that, I was going to be a father 2 years ago, but deep down I've wanted to be the mother who would go through the pains and cramps to create my daughters life, because I wanted to be her role model, because I knew I could be a better mother/father than her current mother who only cares bout her personal selfish actions of self pleasure of other guys and girls through sex. I find it very insulting to my child I would be sharing with her, but she was aborted which I don't care bout that situation anymore, because I accepted that day she would greatly suffer, because if I had given birth to her and I was the mother none of this would ever happen to my child. I would grow her up to be the perfect daughter she believes she is in her mind, by perfect self confident respectful of others and above all she loves herself and wants to learn about everything like I did as a boy.

Sorry I poured my heart on that last paragraph because it still pains me, how I could of had a daughter now and how different my life would of been. Even if the circumstances were grim and I wouldn't be able to feed myself or provide for myself financially I do it all for her, because I know that's what I want is for her to be happy. I'm only 20 years old, I maybe a child and sometimes act like one at heart not in an immature way, but the thing is her existence made even if she wasn't born was the best time of my life. I hope this convinces you or anyone my motherly qualities have shown. I really mean it, I've been through hell in my life and if I was a woman and I was impregnated and had her born in this world, if things were rough I was homeless but I had her around I would make sure everyday she be fed, going to school, make friends, and live an independent life of her own, because that's how I am with children. I'm naturally a mother, because of my female qualities, but I'm a guy so I have to look as if I'm the father to be the tough guy, but it's a great balance when in relationships with girls I meet. I hope they would see this instead of some guy who acts weird or different. People my age are so foolish, and it annoys me sometimes, but I just continue to isolate myself and reflect on what I know in my life.