[journey]

My low self-esteem is really screwing up my life AND relationships. I have had depression and anxiety most of my life, and Im 37 now. I am beginning to think that Im actually bipolar, since my moods swing drastically. When I am depressed and anxious I eat; when I am in a "manic" phase I do things impulsively without thinking about consequences- like getting tattoos thinking they were cool, but not thinking that I wouldnt like where they were put later. Now, because of my weight and tattoos, I avoid things I used to love, like swimming and going out dancing. This has caused a big rift between my husband and I. He is an alcoholic and cannot stay out of bars for long. When he gets started, he cannot stop and we end up out all night. I am VERY uncomfortable going out anymore because of how I look, and we have discussed it. Most of the time he is sympathetic, but sometimes he just snaps and has to go out on a bender, dragging me along. I go because I feel I should compromise- he deserves to do things he likes too. But I obsess the entire time about not being thin, and able to wear things that are currently in style because of my weight and tattoos plus, I am constantly on the lookout for potential competition. I have been getting some of the tattoos lasered off, but the process is slow and very expensive. My husband says he loves me the way I am, but constantly gawks at the skinny "Barbies". He also confessed that he wants me to stay this way "because if I get skinny, guys will be all over me and I will leave him for something better just like his other girlfriends did" which is totally untrue! I also have major abandonment/security/trust issues, stemming from childhood, which causes me to be mistrustful, jealous, and negative. I hate being this way. I went back to college two years ago to improve my life and have done great- even getting awards and honors. But I still feel stupid and worthless. I dont know what to do anymore. Any suggestions or advice as to how I can feel better about myself without needing approval from others would be greatly appreciated.

My psychiatrist says he can get me in touch with reality...but he'll have to charge me long distance rates.

[Zenobia]

I don't know if I can give you any good advice. I have felt much like you do--uncomfortable with my body, not feeling that I am smart and capable dispite all the good things I have done. I am making some headway into these feelings of inadaquacy, I am even--dare I say it?--starting to love myself. I started by reading health books written by women about women. One I recommend is Women's Health, Women's Wisdom. Not only does it tell how to care for your body it explodes the myths about our bodies that make us feel so inadaquate physically.

Right now I am reading books by the Zen teacher Cheri Huber. I got "There is Nothing Wrong with You, going beyond self-hate." It is an excellent book though I admit the last few days I have been having extreme moodswings due to the information and trying to decide what to do with it. But I have come to the conclusion that I want to live in compassion for myself and for others and that means giving up a belief system that I have learned since childhood. Scary stuff, that.

Not much advice but know that I am thinking of you,
Take care,
Zen<font color=blue>


************
Tell me, I'll forget.
Show me, I may remember.
But involve me and I'll understand.--Chinese proverb

[journey]

Thanks Zen, for your kind words and encouragement. I love to read, so I will definitely check out those books! Are you a fellow Buddhist too?
Namaste,
Journey

~~~Out of my mind, back in 5 minutes~~~

[Zenobia]

I am unaffiliated with any religion. I have not found my niche yet. For awhile I was absolutely freaked about Zen because of one of the books that I read. Then I happened on this series--the book buyer for our store suggested them too me--and suddenly it was ok. I mean this is real life stuff. This is stuff that I can relate to. This is stuff where it doesn't matter if I goof up because gooffing up is what it is all about. It is so cool. I can deal with this. And the way she talks about meditation is so real to life, unlike all the other things that I have read that made meditation impossible for me. I guess it is a matter of finding the right teacher just like finding the right therapist.

I have read about the life of Buddha. OK it was a children's book but they so often cut to the chase. What a fascinating man. To have the courage to decide that what he has been taught is...wrong?...incomplete?...and going out there to figure it out on his own. It makes me think about the people who I have met here. We know that what we feel is not the way so we are going out to find out how to improve it dispite all the awful therapists, irritating and controlling family members and the misinformation or incomplete information given. We ROCK.

Take care,
Zen<font color=blue>

************
Tell me, I'll forget.
Show me, I may remember.
But involve me and I'll understand.--Chinese proverb

[journey]

)
Exactly!!!

~~~Out of my mind, back in 5 minutes~~~