I handled a casual relationship poorly...

...And it's really bringing me down. I'm a 20 year old male. I've only been in one real relationship that lasted 6 months, and that was about 3 years ago now. I've been having a rather rough year relationship-wise. I am very torn up about my most recent "fling" I guess, because I feel as though I handled it very poorly.

I met this girl through a work colleague, and I didn't see her as a potential romance at first. She asked me out after we had hung out twice and our first date didn't go well: I was late and our plans fell through, but I still enjoyed my time with her and we met for a second date. The second date went much better and things were only looking up from there!

A couple of weeks later, I was out with some of my friends and she was out with some of hers, and we ended up meeting downtown. I ended up hooking up with her that night, but I later found out that I was not nearly as drunk as she was and so that left me feeling like a bit of a predator...

We went on another date that I think went really well, I took her to dinner and then we went to her place to watch a movie. I guess I got really smitten with her after this date

The next time I saw her was her birthday party. I had to work so I showed up near the end of it, and I ended up getting way too drunk. We had a sort of drunk heart-to-heart after everyone had left, where she told me that she had been seeing other people when she first starting hanging out with me and that she was just out of a long-term relationship and wasn't really looking to jump into another one, even though she was "really into me." This made me sort of sad to hear. I'm normally pretty good at reading between the lines, I think, so I figured she wasn't super interested in me and that got me down. Anyway, we ended up having sex. Being drunk and just coming out of a very weird and unhealthy sexual relationship myself, it didn't go well and it was awkward. Not to get too graphic, but I was a little too aggressive and forceful the whole night. I don't think it was very enjoyable for her.

I apologized for it the next day but I didn't think much of it. I didn't really realize how badly I had treated her. I left some stuff at her place so when I went to pick it up I ended up buying her a little gift, but she was busy so we couldn't hang out much. Whatever, I thought, we had plans to see each other another time. Those plans fell through... but we made other plans.

We ended up going out for dinner, she insisted on paying (I had paid for the other dates). At first I thought it was going well, but as the night progressed I kind of sensed that she wasn't super into me anymore. This made things a little awkward for me, but I'm a pretty down to earth guy so I wasn't super bothered by it. I had an alright time and when I dropped her off, she said "Well I'm really tired so I'm just gonna go to bed, but you can come in if you want..."
I got the message loud and clear (she wasn't interested in me anymore), but I needed to use the bathroom so I went in and took a pee. I came out and put my shoes on to say goodbye and she seemed a little upset that I would leave, but I said "Well you said you were gonna go to sleep so I'll just get out of your hair." I gave her a peck on the lips and we had an awkward goodbye, but I just figured that was the end of that relationship and I could deal with it and move on. We still spoke quite often and made tentative plans after this, but I haven't heard from her in a few weeks. Our contact just sort of fizzled out; I told her she should come out to the bars one night but she didn't respond until the next morning. That was about all the proof I needed that she wasn't interested in seeing me again so that was the last I made an effort to contact her.

I last saw her about a month and a half ago, and I haven't been able to get over it yet. I tend to over-analyze things sometimes, so I've been going over the whole thing way too much. Mostly I feel bad about how I came across to her. I don't like feeling like a sleezeball, you know? I feel bad about getting drunk and treating her like an object on her birthday. That's what gets me down the most. I've always prided myself on treating my partners with respect but I guess I dropped the ball on this one.

I don't know, I maybe just needed to get this off my chest and to have people give me some feedback on how I handled it. I've had quite a few casual flings over this past year, but I feel really badly about how this one went down. Should I contact her again and apologize, or should I move on? I find myself (stupidly) hoping and believing that there is some chance at rekindling this relationship.

Hi, ding dangler, and welcome to Psych Central! The first thing that came to my mind as I read your post is that people aren't thinking with all their brains when they are heavy into drink. It sounds like that was the state both of you were often in, and I gather more you than she, when most of these hook-ups occurred.

It doesn't sound like there was much communication or any mutual verbal agreement about future plans or especially about being exclusive. So, I don't think it's really surprising that she was seeing other people. It was a "let's get together and have fun sometimes......"

You have already apologized to her about the night of "rough" sex. So, I see no need to go through that again.

I suggest you move on and learn some lessons. What? Maybe not to drink so much when you care about a relationship?? You will need to sort it out, although maybe other folks here have other ideas.

Also, I suggest you think about what you want from relationships in your life. Are you about ready to meet the right gal and settle down? Be in a committed relationship? I think I am picking up on that. If so, then (and I am a mom of adult sons, so I am biased) I think it would be good to be careful about the girls you date. Is the gal more a party gal, wanting to have a good time? Love 'em and leave 'em?

Okay, let's see if other folks will have something to say. You sound like a very caring man.

I agree with Traveling Lady. If you care about someone, then show it by not getting into the drunk-hookup scenario. It confuses things a lot for everyone involved.
Move on from the night of regret. You apologized already. She accepted the apology right? So let it go.
If this is someone you felt a spark with, well, be her friend. Sure, reach out, see where she is now. But do it with no expectations. She may not be capable of being friends with a guy, but if it means this much to you, you owe it yourself to check it out. If, in time, something more develops, you will know it is because you laid the groundwork of friendship, which is necessary in any relationship.
Best to you