I cheated on my chronically depressed ex. PLEASE HELP!!!

I apologize in advance for writing an entire novel about my problem, but please help me out here if you could. It would really mean a lot to me. Anyways, I had a serious relationship with a guy who's had a history of chronic depression. After a few months, I began to feel really detached and like the relationship really wasn't doing it for me. And then I cheated on him TWICE because I'm a stupid b***h. He never found out about it, but he dumped me a week later because he felt neglected because I was avoiding him the whole week due to my guilt. I was truly devastated after what I had done because he is the best thing that has ever happened to me and nobody can ever replace him. It's been almost 6 months since the breakup, and he still hasn't found out about my cheating on him.
However, two weeks after we broke up, we started hooking up. Then we just kept getting closer and closer and it was like falling in love all over again. We always have these heart to heart conversations and tell each other how much we love each other and whatnot, despite the fact that we're not actually together.
A month after the breakup, he asked out another girl and every detail of their date was all over facebook. I had an emotional breakdown because I realized what I had lost. My friend was trying to talk things through with me for support, but I refused to take her advice. So she called him and informed him of how overwhelmed he's made me. He freaked out, called me up, and told me he was on his way to my house. We had a long talk and then he started to cry. At this point, I knew things were getting serious because I have never seen a grown man cry before in my life. When I asked him what was the matter, he said that he can never forgive himself because he just screwed me over. I spent over an hour trying to calm him down until he had to go home. I continued the conversation over text and he kept saying things like "I'm a failure" and "I don't deserve to live anymore" and I stayed up all night because I was so worried about him.
The next morning, I drove to his house and had another long talk with him. I reassured him that he did not screw me over and that he had every reason to do what he did because we're not even together anymore. He eventually accepted my forgiveness, but then he told me that he tried to "pick up a knife" once he got home the night before because he had screwed over the one person he truly loves. He told me that I was the only thing that was keeping him from killing himself.
Now, it is almost six months later, and ever since the incident we just went back to hooking up and acting like lovers and whatnot. I feel great remorse after cheating on him, and the guilt is eating me alive. I can't think straight and I cry myself to sleep every night. I would come clean to him, but my main concern here is, if he was about to self harm and/or kill himself because he felt that he screwed his one true love over, I can only imagine what he could do if he found out that his one true love had screwed him over. I NEED to be honest with him because I love him to death, but I am just really afraid that he may harm or kill himself and it would be MY fault. I've never been this scared in my entire life. Is there any way I can be absolutely honest with him, and make it so that he could remain calm and not try to harm himself? Please help. Any advice at all would be well appreciated..

you know this actually takes me back to another thread i posted on called "truth v lies" and this is precisely the type of scenario i was referring to.
so i want you to think about what i am going to say.

often we believe that the "truth" is the best way and "honesty is the best policy"...we have to be careful with our thoughts, sometimes it's not always the best policy or at least definitely not the best timing.you never intended to hurt him..perhaps when you cheated you thought for sure it was over and it didn't matter the relationship was ending anyways.

life has a funny way of putting our plans on their head and putting us in nasty situations like these.IMHO...and possibly only MHO you cannot possibly tell him the truth right now. i don't feel he is emotionally stable enough to withstand that, i think it would kill him if you dropped that bomb on him.

RIGHT NOW the "truth" wood be "bad" very bad..not good at all and a severe negative outcome would result, would you want the blood on your hands of a suicide? i know that might be an extreme end of the spectrum..but for me..that's a die i wouldn't want to roll.

IN A PERFECT WORLD...you would come clean, he would say "it's ok i love you honey, i don't care that you cheated on me twice i just want to be with you and only you"

now you and i both know that is about as likely as either one of us winning the lottery..eh, do you really want to go against those odds?i for one would never take those odds.

the issue is you love him, you don't want to keep any secrets & no longer want to feel bad about what you have done. so you want to come clean

I HAVE SEEN THIS MOVIE BEFORE....and it doesn't end well. actions have consequences, i can assure you that if you do come clean, all the lovey dovey stuff WILL come to a HALT..he will no longer idolize you as he does now and the retribution will be ugly.

you are indeed in a pickle..the "truth" here is certain doom...continue to "lie' and it just may eat you alive....helluva situation, well this is my advice....

1) leave everything as it is for now & ride the wave
2) allow him to get emotionally stronger and you guys to get stronger as a couple
3) realize this is not giving you a free pass to be deceptive/deceitful..only buying time so he can someday handle this horrible truth you are going to need to unleash on him.
4) also realize that it does not give him a free pass to walk on you because of your actions
5) understand that actions have consequences & in the future if your relationship "survives" this...you may want to think a little deeper b4 you act so impulsively....our actions done in the dark have an ugly habit of coming to the light.

it's too bad when he felt like he had screwed you over, you didn't tell him then...you punted( in case you don't know that's an american football phrase), and that's ok..the issue is by punting( pushing the issue aside to deal with another day) you made the issue a helluva lot harder to deal with now.

so now you have this mess on your hands...if it were me..i would keep quiet about that cheating for now..give the relationship a fighting chance, you tell him now he is going to look at you in a completely different light..idk why you didn't tell him when you guys were having these heart to heart talks..that was the perfect arena to get it out with no collateral damage, i must admit i am a bit confounded why you passed on that one..talk about a get out of jail free card..you had it..but nonetheless, that helps now about as much as having last weeks' winning lottery numbers today.

anyways that's my 8 cents..i do hope it helps you somewhat & i wish you guys luck

Your heart fell for a very complicated person. You may get over this situation but what about the next. You cannot help who you fall for but you will have to learn how to deal with this type of person - Love Does Not Conquer All. Ask my x husband and a couple boyfriends that did not know how to deal with me when I was pretty sick.

I did get better and better .

It's awful to be held hostage to someone that threats suicide. I hope he is getting help for himself.

You need to forgive yourself for cheating. If this is something you contiue to do...you have a problem and need to figure out why you would do that

You need to forgive yourself for cheating and keep it to yourself as lesson learned. I cheated on my husband and he will never know. I will never tell. Honesty is not always best sometimes its just plain hurtful and does no good. This is one of those times. In the words of a now famous song...let it go.
When we are neglected and hurting we look for solace elsewhere. You needed that or you wouldnt have looked for it elsewhere. Be good to yourself ((()))

I agree with Trying2 but honestly........I wouldn't tell him EVER. What could be gained? Sometimes we think we want to tell our SO things just so we can absolve ourselves from guilt, but thats just putting the crap on the other person. There is nothing rightous or loving about that. In fact, I'd almost say its cowardly. As Trying2 said, telling your bf during the 'heart-to-hearts' months ago, when you two weren't really a couple anymore, would have been the time to tell, if you felt you HAD to...but you didn't. So that's it. Game over.

If you have to confess, find a priest. But for heavens sake leave your bf out of it. You confessed to us. We know. He doesn't have to. He has no 'need to know'. It won't make your relationship better, stronger, more committed in whatever capacity it is right now, or will be in the future. So let it go. Forgive yourself and move the f**k on.

As long as you don't act impulsively in the future in this manner, whether you're with this guy, or someone else, then there is no reason to keep beating yourself up, and really...after awhile, it will look like you're enjoying being the 'bad guy', rather than feeling guilty and horrible. If you actually love this man.....then either let it go, or let HIM go....but whatever you do.....DON'T TELL HIM.

ffs!

There is nothing to gain by telling your ex about your indiscretions. It won't help him and it won't help you. I agree with waiting4 if you need to talk about it find a priest, therapist or vent about it here on PC.

Telling him would be EXTREMELY selfish!

The only reason you want to be honest is to gain a clear concience, your guilt, your concience, is not his problem. Its yours.

You need to learn how to forgive yourself, his forgiveness is out of the question, not if you love him as much as you proclaim.

In your case, the "Truth will set you free" ...from your bf.