fixating on a relationship/accepting reality

First, i want to say that i love that i found the psych central forum -- even just reading the supportive and insightful replies to other people's posts (which are reflect issues so similar to my own) has been helpful and healing. i recognize the traps of beating myself up and not being able to accept that situations, especially relationships, may not go how i want them to. I recognize the need to love myself, but struggle with that so much.

I need help. What is really bugging me is that even on the best of days i am hung up on this one relationship. I am in a stable relationship with an understanding and supportive guy (we are working on ways for him to deal with my bouts of depression; he admits he could be more supportive when i am "needy", and recognizes that i reach out to others when he shuts down on me. let's see how that goes...) Meanwhile i am still "getting over" an emotional fling with a co-worker. We are trying to be friends. "Casual work friends". We work in a small public school and completely ignoring him seems to cause more stress than to put effort into maintaining a friendship. For all of his good qualities, he is not very good admitting his flaws, or being thoughtful, or reaching out. He clearly enjoys when i put effort into reaching out to him, but does not reciprocate. He has been cordial and even supportive, but no matter what he does, i feel insecure about our friendship.

This is a pattern with me when i am ignored or rejected by people i care about. It is the worst in the summer, fast approaching, when i feel lost without a job to define me. I recognize the pattern, and the need to fill my summer. But for now, i am seeking support finding a way to accept that this man can not be the type of friend who is good for me. I need to let go of that desire to be somehow important to him.

Emotional fling is not quite accurate. He flirted and I was thrown off balance. I ignored the secual innuendos. I started working hard to be his and his wife's "friend". I let him in on my depression and he tried to be supportive. We texted too much. I hit rock bottom. He distanced himself.

This all happened over the span of 2 or 3 years.

And now I just wish that my thoughts did not always go back to him.

Completely breaking things off with this guy may cause more acute stress, but it sounds like it would be healthier in the long run. From the way you describe him, it sounds like he enjoys being pursued more than he likes being a friend.

I don't have any great shortcuts for getting over an obsessive relationship. I find that staying away from the person and distracting myself really helps. It works best for me if I hang out with other friends who won't let me talk about the person, also.

I hope you have a good summer. This break may be just the thing you need?

You downplay the "emotional fling" term in your relationship with your coworker but I suggest you re-read what you said and how you are so prone to accommodating him. There is an emotional attachment there that you seem to be in denial of. It was indeed an emotional affair if you want to be honest with yourself. If it was as casual about this guy and it wasn't anything very intense then neither you or he would be drawn to each other, your attention to him would not matter and you would be moving on much easier.

On the note about your being friends. Clearly it's a bad idea to do so. Your not paying attention to him causing him stress is not your concern at all, your well being and state of mind is all you need to worry about. Moving on, cutting him off and letting him deal with the stress himself might seem hard but it's the best thing to do for you.

It sound slike you have a guy that is trying to understand and support you. Do you really want to jeopardize that by putting this other non-important person (in context of your life) at such a high importance level?

You both are right and I know it. I just find it incredibly difficult to ignore him. When I am not fixating on the state of my relationship with him I tend to spiral down to a place of self-loathing. It is something I am trying to get past. I don't know how to break out of the cycle.

And, yes, the break can't get here soon enough in regards to getting a reprieve from the relationship.