[redwriter]

Just yesterday my husband told me that he needs to start mowing the lawn for his mom (who lives 40 miles away) because she lives alone. He and his brother have shared the responsibility in the past and he spends a LOT of time at his mom's anyway. His brother just had knee surgery so my husband will have to do more this summer. This has been a problem with us in the past and has included a lot of things that he NEEDS to go to his mom's house for to help her out. (Shoveling in the winter, cleaning out the barn, going to the tax man with her, etc.) He will help her with anything. When I've brought it up in the past about how it feels like he puts her first, he either doesn't say anything, or he says that that's just how it is. I have asked him to have a conversation with his mom about possibly hiring someone in town to do her mowing and shoveling and he won't do it. Yesterday when I told him that it's not normal to put his mom first and that it feels like that's what he's doing his response was, "Sorry." What should I do? I feel like I'm pulling away from him!

[Rose76]

It sounds like your mother-in-law is overly dependent on your husband. This is a very, very tough situation to change. The options for change can depend on what financial resources your mother-in-law has. If she can afford to hire someone to mow her lawn, I think that would make more sense than your husband traveling 40 miles to do the job. (It might even be worthwhile for your husband to pay someone, on her behalf, to do the lawn, rather than spend the time and gas-money it takes to travel 40 miles and back.) If he flat out refuses to encourage her to do that, then you really are up against a wall.

I don't think it's really a case of your husband putting his mother first, so much as it is a case of him trying too hard to maintain her household, as well as his own. Unfortunately, his mom is going to keep getting older and even more dependent on him. She probably groomed her children all their lives to be overly involved with her. Most likely, she will never willingly change. Try to understand how hard it is for him to change the dynamics of this.

His mom has him programmed to feel guilty, if he is not looking after all sorts of things that she probably could make her own arrangements for. He just doesn't want to feel guilty. He thinks he is being a "stand-up guy" by taking on all that she puts on him. You have to approach this with care. He is under a strain feeling that he can't let her down. If it really seems that his mom is exploiting his loyalty to her, then you might need to explain that to him in a gentle, but firm, way. Try to reassure him that his mom can be alright depending more on her own resources. This can take a lot of patience and time and ingenuity, on your part, trying to re-program his thinking.

I don't think you are going to get much success by adding to his burden of guilt, by saying that he is neglecting you and his own household to go running 40 miles away all the time. Maybe you could suggest some trade-offs. Like, maybe, he could find someone locally to do her lawn, and still commit that you and he will go up on a regular basis to take her out to dinner, or spend an afternoon visiting. Mothers who do this to their children can be geniuses at keeping this pattern going. You'll have to be pretty darn smart, yourself, to figure a way to coax him into a new pattern. Show real concern for his mom's legitimate need to have contact with her son, while helping him to see how she could be more self-reliant. If he thinks you just resent her, then he will ignore your suggestions.

[curley]

Hi I think rose is right, your husband will be much more receptive to ideas if he thinks you are on his side and thinking about what would be best for his mom.
It is to bad that the mom is laying a guilt trip cause it sounds like hubby is a good guy.
I realize it may be upsetting to you and take a lot of patience on your part but trying to make him feel bad for helping her will probably work against you.
Good Luck