[Secretum]

I have a friend that I am very attracted to. He has shown some signs of being interested in me, but he is shy and has commitment issues (he doesn't want to date anyone because he can't see himself committing to just one person). I brought up us dating once a few months ago, and he smiled, blushed, and said that he "wasn't nice enough" for me.

I want to bring up the question of a relationship again. I really think we would be good together, and I sense mutual attraction.

I want to kiss him. I always thought that it was proper to ask before you kissed someone; that consent is key in kissing as it is in sex. However, I have heard the opposite-that boldly kissing someone without asking takes courage and has a certain magic about it.

I'm thinking of kissing him sometime soon, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea. So I have a question: would you be okay with a friend kissing you without asking? I'm worried that I may have read him wrong, and that the attraction isn't mutual.

Thanks!

[Elektra_]

damn i love a bold kiss... asking someone: oh excuse me do u mind me kissing? do people do that?
but u already know he doesnt want to commit. why a kiss would make any difference? what are u expecting?

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by Secretum

I have a friend that I am very attracted to. He has shown some signs of being interested in me, but he is shy and has commitment issues (he doesn't want to date anyone because he can't see himself committing to just one person). I brought up us dating once a few months ago, and he smiled, blushed, and said that he "wasn't nice enough" for me.

I want to bring up the question of a relationship again. I really think we would be good together, and I sense mutual attraction.

I want to kiss him. I always thought that it was proper to ask before you kissed someone; that consent is key in kissing as it is in sex. However, I have heard the opposite-that boldly kissing someone without asking takes courage and has a certain magic about it.

I'm thinking of kissing him sometime soon, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea. So I have a question: would you be okay with a friend kissing you without asking? I'm worried that I may have read him wrong, and that the attraction isn't mutual.

Thanks!

a bold kiss would be "the mother of all turn ons!"..i think you should do it!!!
you are already friends so, you have little to lose..go for it i say!!

[NamelessTraveler]

Don't just kiss him! I would be offended if someone just up and kissed me without my permission.

You gotta set the mood, maybe for a walk in a park, then sit down next to him on one of the benches. Lean in close and say "I want to kiss you, may I?"

(Consent is a turn-on, and absolutely necessary, from hugs down to sex.)

[Elektra_]

now im like wtf? do people actually ask if they can kiss? O.o maybe i live in different planet. if someone asked i would say no, u should have done it and wouldnt let them. for me is total bleh

[lizardlady]

I say don't do it.

At first I wondered if my reaction was a generational thing since I'm older than dirt. BUT, like your friend, I am shy. It would weird me out big time at any age if a friend just came up and laid a kiss on me. It would not be a turn on for me. Actaully it would be a turn off and feel like a violation of boundaries.

I think it depends on the kiss, and the circumstances surrounding it.

Back when I was 18 one of my friends called out as I was leaving a get together, and when I turned around she rushed over and gave me a quick kiss. She had taken numerous liberties in the past, like putting her around around my shoulder when we were walking, or putting her hand on my leg when we're watching a movie because she knew it annoyed me. But that was the first and only time she kissed me.

I wasn't bothered by it, but it did seem pretty random. That said, I probably would have been bothered had she not already made it clear she didn't observe physical boundaries. It was just her being her.

If you're wanting it to lead somewhere though than I don't think it would be a good idea to suddenly kiss him. If he's shy, chances are he tries to avoid confrontations. If he avoids confrontations, he won't really know how to react if you kiss him out of the blue and it wasn't something he enjoyed or wanted. He'd be more likely to engage in passiveness or avoidance, and you could wind up losing him as a friend. If you do kiss him maybe give him some warning first. Like ask him if you can try something, then if he says okay, that's when you do it, then ask what he thought about it and if he wants to try again (meaning right then and there). That gives him a way to prepare for something, doesn't make him feel helpless, and lets you know right away if he was okay with it.

[moremi]

I love a kiss I wasnt expecting. Id do it. Its just a kiss so if he doesnt feel like you do than there really doesnt need to be a change in the friendship but if you decide to take it to a sexual level just remember he already said he isnt ready to commit.

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[IchbinkeinTeufel]

I picked the 2nd option, ... but I want to elaborate on my choice and thoughts on this:

You didn't mention gender, ... since I'm straight, I'd be fine with a female kissing me. If a male kissed me I'd obviously not be fine with that, but I wouldn't be an *** about it. Which leads me to the other aspect: you didn't mention context, so it would greatly depend on that, nor did you mention the sort of kiss and what would be behind it, if anything. For example, if it were a gentle kiss on the cheek by a woman with whom I got along well, I'd be flattered. If it were a kiss on the lips by a woman I hated, I obviously wouldn't be amused. If it were a kiss on the lips, say, by a woman who is drunk, I'd... well, unless I were also drunk, I'd feel awkward. If I were kissed by a woman, on the lips, and one I liked, I'd of course be flattered and, ... mostly likely go yeehaw. On the other hand, it has been a while, and it can lead down paths IDK if I can handle, at the moment, so I'd panic as well, ...

No question is every that simple. :P

[Trippin2.0]

The only time I didn't appreciate a surprize smack on the lips was from a so called friend who had assured me (for months) he's not attracted to me and that we were just going to hangout.

I felt ambushed and betrayed, because he lied, and he also knew I have a bf AND knows my bf too. So just... NO.

To his credit he did apologize for overstepping that boundary and we don't stay in contact anymore. I felt bad for pushing him away (I've never had to do that before) but he clearly didn't want a platonic friendship like he lead me to believe, so its best we parted ways.

I say read the room, if the setting and the mood is right, a kiss could be a beautiful thing.

I would be weirded the fruck out if someone asked me if they could kiss me, I had no idea people even ask that, I thought that's what body language, sexual tension, chemistry etc is for... lol

Like what if I've never even thought about it?
Then I would be forced to weigh the pros and cons in a split second and make a possibly irreversable decision in that time.

If I say no, it could lead to a missed opportunity and a hurt friend, if I say yes, the friend could get their hopes up for something more as with both scenarios I've had time to think which means my response seems "final" in a sense and impacts my friend longterm... etc

IMO, sometimes overthinking just kills the buzz, whereas a "go with the flow" technique would produce a more natural response for both parties.

Years ago (in HS) I kissed a shy guy once, we were friends, tension had been building for quite a while and both of us had joked around about getting together. Shy guy was playing piano, I was singing along, and the tension in the room was electrifying... I wanted to scream "kiss me dammit I know you want to!" So I thought, what the heck I may as well

We had a fling for a few months, it was beautiful, nothing serious or sexual, but fun nontheless and he admitted that had I not ambushed him while he was playing the piano, he may have never gotten the courage to kiss me, so he was glad I did.

[waiting4]

Okay, I wasn't gonna put my 2cents in cause seemed mine leaned toward, as long as I 'liked' the friend, then maybe. But other people posted really good thoughts, so then I had a thought of my own, for what it's worth.

I think the whole advantage to kissing a friend is that you KNOW them. Kissing a random stranger would be awkward and maybe awful if the kiss isn't well received, but being as this is a 'friend' you should have a pretty good idea how he would react. A 'cheat sheet', of sorts. No, not a perfect barometer but better than nothing.

And I'm all for the whole chemistry guiding the way....and just a hint...if it's gonna be THAT kind of kiss, there is no rule it has to start off as THAT kind of kiss. In fact, a gentle brush of your lips against his lips first (and not rushed) may give him the courage to meet it, and maximize the return...so to speak.

[niceguy]

I say do it. I waited and waited for one particular person to have the balls and do it. Instead they asked me, it was really annoying. I don't want to be asked I want someone who will take the chance and show me they are in control, not always waiting for me to take control. Sometimes passion should just happen, not be forced or discussed.

I am sure if they aren't interested, they won't let you get that close... So lean in and go for gold!

Depends on the friend. If it was someone I might be interested in then I'd say yes. If not then I'd see how the kiss felt before deciding. I think you need the right setting. A doorway saying goodnight, in deep conversation sitting close together on the couch, after a warm embrace....yeah....that's it... after a warm embrace! You hug and slowly pull back, but not to much, you look into his eyes and lean in a little. If there is no pulling away, then you lean in more and slowly...gently...lightly...kiss on the lips. If you have gotten that far then your friend is likely on board with you. Another kiss would likely be wanted and you'll both know there is a chemistry heating up.

I was asked for a kiss several times in my life. It was kind of nice the first time but with every guy after that, the question broke the mood a little for me. I don't know why because it's a very sweet gesture. If you feel right asking then do it. I like the passion of "feeling" the mood and timing is right and going for it.

[atomicc]

I honestly believe that if you are friends, and neither of you has a significant other then I see no problem with a bold kiss! I have kissed shy friends before that I knew were attracted to me. Sometimes I was attracted to them too, sometimes not. I wouldn't you know...grab his face and force a kiss! but if you get a good moment and it all feels right then I would go for it.
Maybe he just doesn't know it's what he wants til you show him.

[brainhi]

A kiss is not just a kiss - when it is a friend that you feel romantic about. It could change the friendship. Or you could say..."I would love to kiss you".."but I value our friendship more and I do not want to jeopardize that by crossing the line". Your fantasy of him - because you are being denied makes you crave it even more.

And then I did somethig like this - I had a friend that I moved in with to share expenses. This is crazy I know...but I slept with him to more or less get the sexual tension over with. We knew we had platonic friendship and wanted to keep things in reality. It worked but it was risky.

[venusss]

I'd probably be okay with it if we both were drunk. In normal state of mind, it might feel imposing.

If you can handle the fact that one of the possible consequences could be the total loss of said friendship, then go for it ...

Of course, what do I know? ... I'm just a Pfrog!

[soccerdad]

Best advice I can give you is go for it. You don't know how he is going to react and what is going to happen after but you do know what will happen if you do nothing. To often we sit around and wish we had done things when we had the chance. Fortune favors the bold and if he won't be your friend because you took a chance that didn't hurt either of you then he wasn't that good of a friend to begin with.

One thing is just make sure to be ready for either way the reaction goes.

[Rose76]

Maybe you could start with a quick, gentle hug . . . . . and see how that goes over.

[ChipperMonkey]

I don't think its a matter of "do it" or "don't do it" as everyone is different. You could risk ruining the friendship if it goes wrong. Are you willing to take that risk?

I answered that I would be OK with a friend kissing me, but then again, I grew up going to make-out parties where everyone was kissing everyone else, and yeah, all of my friends had pretty much kissed all of their friends, so it isn't/wasn't a weird thing. Everyone has different boundaries, and I know that most are probably not this free in their kissing! But for me personally, it is OK.

You need to consider the consequence on this friendship if the feelings aren't reciprocated. If the consequence is your friend decides it is just too awkward to be around you anymore, are you okay with losing the good relationship you have right now? Might want to get fairly firm confirmation that the feelings are mutual before you proceed.

[Raindropvampire]

Since I was a teenager I have had at least 5 friends that I can think of kiss me. It only ruined one friendship and that was by her choice.(she said watching me date guys and knowing she didn't have a shot was too painful and couldn't be around me) I wasn't attracted to any of my friends that kissed me but I was flattered and nicely told them that we were just friends.

I myself have kissed one friend and we both realized instantly it was a mistake. Hand to the bible it was like kissing my brother. Just felt icky as soon as it happened. But at least I knew and it cured my crush on him.

I say no guts no glory. Who knows you might kiss him and bam fireworks OR it could be like eh what was I thinking. Either way you won't know unless you try. Good luck

[Secretum]

Wow, thanks for all the responses! It seems like people are pretty divided on this issue...I really don't want to lose him as a friend, of course. At the same time, I want a deeper relationship with him...

Another one of his friends is attracted to him and lets him know it. I don't know if she's ever kissed or done anything physical with him, but she at one point gave him an ultimatum "we date, or we can't be friends anymore". He was very distressed by this, because he still wanted to be friends with her even though he didn't want a relationship. Luckily, she recanted the statement, and they are still friends. So I know that merely being attracted to him is not enough to harm the friendship. I'm still scared to kiss him, though. I've never kissed anyone before, and I'm scared that I would do it wrong, and that it would be an awkward, unenjoyable experience for him.

I think I will continue to see him as a friend, gather more information about whether or not he likes me, and make a decision from there.

Unless there's already a common goal to be together and start a relationship, keep yoru lips off mine XD

Originally Posted by Secretum

I think I will continue to see him as a friend, gather more information about whether or not he likes me, and make a decision from there.

Excellent idea ...