[3xjj]

I was recently with a man for 9 months who was abused as a child. From what I can ascertain, he experienced some physical abuse and some neglect. While he admits he was hurt emotionally and physically, he denies that it had any impact on him.

Although very outgoing and sociable, every relationship in his life seems very shallow and superficial (including those with his twenty-something year old children). He doesn't seem to feel or have any deep attachments. He was married for twenty-some years to an alcoholic and seemed generally OK with it. Now that he is actually going through the divorce he initiated, he seems to feel no remorse at the loss of the relationship/marriage/woman. In fact, he told me he didn't really love her when he married her.

He was very intense in his relationship with me, telling me he loved me and I was amazing and I was his world. Then with each hurt or problem, he seemed to pull away a little more. Our relationship abruptly ended, and I was left confused and devastated. I loved him a great deal and tried to show this to him in many ways.

The best I can figure out, he seemed to dodge/shut off emotion, have a fear of intimacy and being vulnerable, and maybe avoided attaching. Has anyone been through something similar? Does anyone have any thoughts on his perplexing behavior? I am really struggling with the fact that he seemed so into me and then just wanted to wash his hands of me.

I'm looking for something more than "he just wasn't that into you."

[ChipperMonkey]

I won't say he just wasn't that into you. (His behavior doesn't fit with any of the scenarios in the book/movie.)

I guess that since I am on the other side, I don't have any real advice. I think it is perplexing to many because they don't have an inside view, but to people like your ex and I, it is all we know. That is, this *is* our version of "normal".

The best I can liken it to is your version of love feeling like anything but to us. I realize that this is a concept that most can't even begin to wrap their heads around, but yes, when you grow up in an abusive family, "love" isn't exactly love. There are certain rules you need to follow, and "love" isn't always a safe thing or a good thing. It is oftentimes a dangerous thing. Sorry if this isn't more helpful to you, but this is how I see things as someone who grew up in an abusive household.

[healingme4me]

There is an expression and Forbes article in their archives about Conflict Avoidant behavior. I've seen this used to describe married men, that carry on affairs of the heart, and it's the best descriptor I have found about why they remain emotionally unavailable. Even if, the article is short,sweet and talking about business managers losing quality staff, when they behave conflict Avoidant.

Sorry, he said all those things, then pulled the rug from you. It's definitely him, with unaddressed stuff, though you are the one hurting. He's probably hurting, as well. If he wasn't emotionally addressing his past, he may be masking it. It's one thing, to intellectually comprehend, the past, another to revisit, feel it, and tidy it back up. Into one's figurative luggage.



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[nevs]

It seems like this man doesn't think of love in the same way as you do. He obviously hasn't properly dealt with or gotten over his past, and it's affecting him and everyone around him. He needs a therapist. Despite however much you loved him, you will be equated with all the other people in his life who were suppose to love him. In my opinion the best you can do is help him find a therapist and be a friend to him, because until he works out his issues he wont be able to have a healthy loving relationship.

[3xjj]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

I won't say he just wasn't that into you. (His behavior doesn't fit with any of the scenarios in the book/movie.)

I guess that since I am on the other side, I don't have any real advice. I think it is perplexing to many because they don't have an inside view, but to people like your ex and I, it is all we know. That is, this *is* our version of "normal".

The best I can liken it to is your version of love feeling like anything but to us. I realize that this is a concept that most can't even begin to wrap their heads around, but yes, when you grow up in an abusive family, "love" isn't exactly love. There are certain rules you need to follow, and "love" isn't always a safe thing or a good thing. It is oftentimes a dangerous thing. Sorry if this isn't more helpful to you, but this is how I see things as someone who grew up in an abusive household.

I found your answer very helpful, thank you. Can you elaborate on the rules? Also, do you have a fear of getting hurt?

[3xjj]

Originally Posted by nevs

It seems like this man doesn't think of love in the same way as you do. He obviously hasn't properly dealt with or gotten over his past, and it's affecting him and everyone around him. He needs a therapist. Despite however much you loved him, you will be equated with all the other people in his life who were suppose to love him. In my opinion the best you can do is help him find a therapist and be a friend to him, because until he works out his issues he wont be able to have a healthy loving relationship.

Your post makes sense, although I'm not sure why I'm equated to everyone else. He never got any nurturing from his parents or wife; I think I provided a bunch of nurturing. Why would I fall into the same category as them?

Originally Posted by 3xjj

Your post makes sense, although I'm not sure why I'm equated to everyone else. He never got any nurturing from his parents or wife; I think I provided a bunch of nurturing. Why would I fall into the same category as them?

Because if everyone he has ever loved has screwed him over what's to make you any different?

(Not saying you aren't just expressing the emotion.)

[3xjj]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

There is an expression and Forbes article in their archives about Conflict Avoidant behavior. I've seen this used to describe married men, that carry on affairs of the heart, and it's the best descriptor I have found about why they remain emotionally unavailable. Even if, the article is short,sweet and talking about business managers losing quality staff, when they behave conflict Avoidant.

Sorry, he said all those things, then pulled the rug from you. It's definitely him, with unaddressed stuff, though you are the one hurting. He's probably hurting, as well. If he wasn't emotionally addressing his past, he may be masking it. It's one thing, to intellectually comprehend, the past, another to revisit, feel it, and tidy it back up. Into one's figurative luggage.



Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

I wasn't able to find the Forbes article, but I did some reading on Conflict Avoidance. He definitely avoids conflict, although I'm curoius as to why people get this way.

He's definitely not dealing with his past. He truly believes he has no baggage, that his childhood did not effect him, and that he has nothing to deal with. Very sad that he could come across as so loving for so long. I was relatively happy until everything blew up.

[ChipperMonkey]

Originally Posted by 3xjj

I found your answer very helpful, thank you. Can you elaborate on the rules? Also, do you have a fear of getting hurt?

Yes, I have an INSANE fear of getting hurt. I have pretty much stayed out of relationships because of it. Well, up until now, as I recently found a guy who is actually willing to work through my issues with me.

I think the "rules" can vary from person to person, depending on the abuse history. For me, it was a matter of trying to stay as detached as possible in order to protect myself. I am one of those super sensitive people as it is, and detaching was a way for me to cope with the constant rejection from my mother. That is, stay detached and you won't get hurt. Also, at the first sign of trouble or rejection, I pull away 10 times as hard. If things aren't perfect, that's a sign of bad things to come, and to avoid the pain, you run away first.

Love = pain because it came with stipulations. Be a good girl, do what your mom wants and then you can have her love and approval. Or something like that, but even that wasn't a sure thing as you could do everything "right" and still not get the love you wanted/needed.

Getting close to people makes you feel vulnerable, and when you feel vulnerable then you are open to others hurting you. If you stay detached, there is less likelihood of becoming hurt.

I can't say I actually like being in such a head space, but getting close to people is extremely scary and my mind just doesn't want the pain. I am finally breaking through my walls at this point, but I know I still have a lot of work in front of me.

Originally Posted by 3xjj

I was recently with a man for 9 months who was abused as a child. From what I can ascertain, he experienced some physical abuse and some neglect. While he admits he was hurt emotionally and physically, he denies that it had any impact on him.

Although very outgoing and sociable, every relationship in his life seems very shallow and superficial (including those with his twenty-something year old children). He doesn't seem to feel or have any deep attachments. He was married for twenty-some years to an alcoholic and seemed generally OK with it. Now that he is actually going through the divorce he initiated, he seems to feel no remorse at the loss of the relationship/marriage/woman. In fact, he told me he didn't really love her when he married her.

He was very intense in his relationship with me, telling me he loved me and I was amazing and I was his world. Then with each hurt or problem, he seemed to pull away a little more. Our relationship abruptly ended, and I was left confused and devastated. I loved him a great deal and tried to show this to him in many ways.

The best I can figure out, he seemed to dodge/shut off emotion, have a fear of intimacy and being vulnerable, and maybe avoided attaching. Has anyone been through something similar? Does anyone have any thoughts on his perplexing behavior? I am really struggling with the fact that he seemed so into me and then just wanted to wash his hands of me.

I'm looking for something more than "he just wasn't that into you."

I am sure there were feelings there and he may actually care for you on some level but the thing is that his fears got the best of him. Could be the same intense situation with his ex that he divorced.

Problem is, he won't stop pushing women away until he faces the fact that the abuse probably did indeed affect him in a very significant way. Until he accepts and deals with it, he won't be able to change and it's probably best for you, that it ended.

[3xjj]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

Yes, I have an INSANE fear of getting hurt. I have pretty much stayed out of relationships because of it. Well, up until now, as I recently found a guy who is actually willing to work through my issues with me.

I think the "rules" can vary from person to person, depending on the abuse history. For me, it was a matter of trying to stay as detached as possible in order to protect myself. I am one of those super sensitive people as it is, and detaching was a way for me to cope with the constant rejection from my mother. That is, stay detached and you won't get hurt. Also, at the first sign of trouble or rejection, I pull away 10 times as hard. If things aren't perfect, that's a sign of bad things to come, and to avoid the pain, you run away first.

Love = pain because it came with stipulations. Be a good girl, do what your mom wants and then you can have her love and approval. Or something like that, but even that wasn't a sure thing as you could do everything "right" and still not get the love you wanted/needed.

Getting close to people makes you feel vulnerable, and when you feel vulnerable then you are open to others hurting you. If you stay detached, there is less likelihood of becoming hurt.

I can't say I actually like being in such a head space, but getting close to people is extremely scary and my mind just doesn't want the pain. I am finally breaking through my walls at this point, but I know I still have a lot of work in front of me.

Wow, extremely helpful! Thank you so much for explaining!

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

Yes, I have an INSANE fear of getting hurt...

Wow, I didn't expect to read that; it really "resonates" with me. I have quite a strong fear of being hurt. I dunno if I w.. ah, I guess I was in some way, .. IDK, ..my childhood was messy.. anyway, the subject of "abuse" aside, I definitely relate to this.