Friend Issue!

I need help. I've had this friend for well over 7 years now. I'm having a very hard time trying to be accepting and a good friend over what she is currently doing. This friend is currently married but now has moved on to cheating on her husband. This is not the problem. The problem is that she's cheating on her husband with another married man with a family and very small children. He (the boyfriend) has told her in a round about way that he just doesn't know when he will be leaving his family to be with her. Because he loves his children so much. He has put her thru many rough times during this affair and well as what I think a good friend should do I've been there. Well in short of course she is still seeing this person. I can't help but be infuriated by all the hurtful things that have been done to her. Now I know full well she is a grown woman and she is capable of making up her own decisions and I can't do anything about it. Although I've told her straight up that it bother's me that he does these things to her I still care and will listen without criticism. I know her life is complicated and that she has decisions to make on her own. What is truly bothering me and what I don't know how to handle is that when I ask how she is she is very angry with me and short and states nothing is wrong and she is fine. Yet not even 10 minutes later she's crying and telling other's her problems. Now I as her best friend do get hurt by this action but I know she has a choice as to whom she wishes to be with or not be with. What I don't like is that she will calls me out on not checking on her (because she doesn't really reply) or constantly trying to support her. How can I want to with this kind of a cold reception? Second of all I unfortunately work with her and this boyfriend of hers. So the situation is compounded this much more. She almost will be very smug while around him. And will be pretty dismissive of me. She will ask how I am doing but it feels like if it is out of complete obligation not because there is a genuine care. At all. So my question I guess is how do I handle this whole scenario? I've remained very cordial in the friendship. And I think maybe our friendship has run it's course. I just hate having to see her play the I've got lots of friends and they like me more game. It's hurtful and infuriating. Help the very frustrated, confused, annoyed friend.

Oh boy, that's a very complicated situation!

My guess is that the avoidance is directly related to the fact that she is having an affair and that the three of you work together. Your knowledge is dangerous to her and to her affair partner.

As far as handling the whole scenario... it sounds like she is distancing herself. I don't really have any ideas about how you can stop that from happening given the dramatic dynamics, but maybe someone else will. Would you be okay with letting this friendship go?

Without even addressing her arrogance and expectation unrealistically of your full support, what is your stand on her cheating at all?

I know you're saying she's an adult and can make her own decisions but the question isn't that, it's whether or not as her friend you should support something like this. If you're ok with cheating, then so be it, support her as best you can but i get the feeling deep down even though you say "it's not the problem" I think you do have a problem with cheating. If you do what kind of a statement are you making that it's ok with you?

You have no moral obligation to support someone that you know is bringing her own pain and suffering into her own life by cheating. Tell her that you support her as a friend but not in the adulterous behavior. Anything that has to do with her adultery partner (I refuse to call it a boyfriend) you need to opt out of supporting her in. If she's doing waht she's doing and crying about it, I have no sympathy for someone that sacrifices the feelings of others and their needs (her husband, the partner's wife and kids) and then expects support and sympathy herself, it's a completely selfish position to take.

She is putting you in a difficult situation here and you deserve better. It matters sure, that you've known her for years but all the more that you need to step away from her until she gets her head on straight. Perhaps NOT supporting her will give her the wake up call she needs.

And.. regardless of if there are kids involved or not, if she is with a man that is married and he's not in an OPEN relationship where his wife knows what's going on, it's deceit and 100% cheating, not anything less and I don't care what angle someone looks at it, it's wrong.

You need to move on if only for awhile until her clear path of destruction meets it's inevitable end or she comes to grips with the reality of what she is doing.

Setting aside the cheating---and I don't think you approve, reading your post, be it because of how he's treating her, or just the fact he has a wife and little kids at home (wayyy subtly obvious you don't approve, btw)...but setting that aside, the work dynamic is what is concerning me. I don't get from your post that she is in a position to harm your place within the company, but that doesn't mean it couldn't happen, depending on 'his' position combined with hers. I do agree with a previous post that she probably feels threatened by you because of your knowledge and while she may be throwing other friends 'in your face', I'd be willing to bet they have no knowledge to the extent you do, of her affair.

My advice, for what its worth, is not to explain to her that you'll 'be there' for her--you're under no obligation to do so at this point, and that's based on her treatment of YOU not on her treatment of her husband--just step back and maintain the 'cordial' relationship you have indicated you are doing now. The friendship HAS run it's course, and she's the one who ran it into the ground. It is not up to you to teach her she's wrong, by your actions. At this point, its only up to you to salvage whats left of your own self-esteem because she seems to have done a jolly job of stomping on that as much as stomping on her husbands because, fact is............when a man or woman is being cheated on...they KNOW it. They may not admit it right away, but for 99.9% of those cheated on...they KNOW it. If her husband is still hanging on....his self-esteem is swirling the toilet she's trying to flush you down.

Just put her into the 'acquaintance bin'...'friendly without commitment' etc. Refuse invitations out with her (if she bothers to ever ask again) because you have prior commitments. Refuse to be the sob shoulder she requires on occasion because you ARE the only one who REALLY knows...because you have prior commitments. Don't be rude. Just be distant.

She either will, or won't get her act together, but since you are not her keeper, or her mother, it is not up to you to get her to that place. That is up to her, and her 'adulterous partner'.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I've been where you are right now, and I would save you the confusion and ultimate hurt/betrayal when she decides to turn on you for 'knowing too much', and that could happen when the house of glass she's built for herself shatters, or if she just decides she can't take the added pressure of a 'tell tale heart' beating too close to her...which btw, might not even be her idea. She's listening to her AP drum now, darlin. Yours got lost in the forest of integrity.

Take care.

I think I have to accept it for what it is. There's no reason to try and reciprocate something that isn't being given. I will have to be ok with it.

Thank you for your reply.

You are absolutely correct. I do think I have a very big issue with her cheating. Of course she tries to justify it by saying her husband did it to her. And therefore lead her down this very path. She had chosen this path and needs to see it thru. I think the best I can do is remain cordial and for my work sake and try my level best to stay clear. I feel bad that she may go thru this alone but there isn't much I can do right now.
Thank you for your response.

You are correct I don't approve of her adultery. But I keep it aside just so that I can try and remain a good "listening" friend. Obviously this isn' t working out either. She unfortunately is in a higher position over me and her adulterer. No surprise there right? You are correct it is a hard road to go down and letting the friendship fade but I do think it is time. As hard as it's going to be I hope that it's not too painful and I hope I have the fortitude to not blow a gasket over stupid games that are played out in front of me. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and I truly needed to hear these things. Sometimes we know what need to do but need the extra push to get there.

The age old excuse of cheaters is to direct the blame on the person they are supposed to be commited to. I'm sorry but if someone hurts you, doesn't live up to your expectations or otherwise does not give you a license or justification for cheating. It's the most common behavior with cheaters because they know from the get go that they are in the wrong and need this deflection of blame so that they can remain in denial that they are simply, dishonest, deceitful adulterors. NO one drives anyone to doing something wrong, you always have free will and choice to do the right thing or not.

The best path for her is to go it alone, the only way she'll know the consequences (friends being distant, losing support network) will she be able to really realize it's NOT ok. If people look the other way, support her adultery and double life, she will be enabled to continue doing it.

Glad you're seeing you should step away from this. I do agree not getting in her face or having standoffs with her, considering that you work together is a good idea.

i agree 100% with what everyone has posted in regard to your dilemma and how to handle this friendship/work relationship/extramarital…only thing i can add is to ask what YOU are getting from this friendship which i would hope should be mutually/equally satisfying to her and to you…seems you are becoming emotionally drained from all the drama…getting sucked into all the details…yet i wonder what benefit you are receiving from holding onto what appears to be a very 1-sided friendship. let her go, grief the loss of the friendshipnd find a more equal and supportive girlfriend who gives back to you instead of merely takes from you….jmo

My question about letting this friendship go is do I just let it fade or do I confront it and let it be known my exact position and rational? I unfortunately tend to be one of the people that needs closer. I don't do the whole let it just fade thing really well. I get frustrated by it and just want to have a line drawn in the sand so to speak. I know it's not a good thing to do or be but if I'm to choose the later I need some good solid advice how to do the quite exit. I do believe that I do deserve better and should be getting a whole lot more out of this friendship than this. I'm just having a hard time accepting it. Thank you for the words and encouragement.

many yrs. ago i had a married friend whom my hubby and i socialized with regularly and she and i were very close (but not in a work related relationship); i got sucked into the drama of knowing and willingly participating in the knowledge/secrecy of her being involved with a married man. i realized i needed to be honest with her (knowing on some level our friendship would end) and told her face to face that i could no longer be complicit in her relationship w/the married man. she got pissed of and the friendship ended almost immediately. i would see her on many occasions after that but we never communicated again, ever. yes, it was a loss and i grieved the demise of our friendship but i realized i had to put myself first and could not be part of the secrets i was holding for her, especially going out w/her and her hubby. look at this as an opportunity for you to grow and learn from this; not all friendships are created equal and we suffer losses throughout our lives. you will get thru this but you need to be honest with her, rather than avoid her..this will allow time for you to grieve and get closure. it won't be easy but she'll find another confidant…doesn't seem to me like this is an equal, supportive, positive friendship.

Because you work with her, I would let it fade. Treat her the way you would treat any work acquaintance, politely. I would not confront her given the whole dynamic you described. The situation is too volatile. I also would not say anything negative about her boyfriend -- I get the feeling that she tells him what you say and that's why he is sort of cool with you at work.

This could also be a temporary break in your friendship rather than a complete ending, if that worked for you. Would you want to resume some sort of relationship if she came to her senses and ended this affair? Sooner or later it's going to blow up and she may come looking for you...

In terms of letting it fade, I would busy myself with new friends and/or new social situations. Take a class. Be too busy to think about her or see her. Losing people we once loved and spent a lot of time with is hard and it just takes time to get over it.

It has been hard path but I feel that I'm taking small steps and making progress. I've started to act cordial. I find it is best to try and leave it calmly given my work situation as you say. Believe it or not it's a little bit of relief. I still feel bad about her struggles but also feel a little less burdened by it. I did finally get clarity from her as to her withdrawl. She simply cannot face the fact that I am her "truth" mirror. I now understand that she just wishes to remain "lost". This is very sad to me, and only because I'm used to speaking to her frequently. And it now it's just casual conversations maybe once a week. I 'm struggling I will not lie but I know that eventually it'll become easier and I hope one day my friend will return. If not then it ran it's course and that is ok.