[munchkin213]

Hi
Ten years after my divorce, my 22 yr old daughter, decided to lay a very deep, and disturbing ultimatum. Basically to leave the man I've been with for ten years, or have a better/closer relationship with her.
I flew to Omaha for a 6 day vacation, but realized from the very beginning, things between us were a little strained, except for the part of meeting her new boyfriend and spending a lot of money on her for things she said she needed...that did not bother me, I enjoyed/was happy that I could. The last morning of our visit, she decided to tell me that my boyfriend sexually assaulted her, right under my nose!! Yes, I was sitting right there, but DID NOT take witness to any such accusation! We barely spoke on the way to the airport, did not hear from her until four days later to see if I had arrived okay, how was the flight, etc. She left a very upsetting msg on my machine, and quite "calculated", that I must still be with him, and to get to the point, basically, him or me. I was quite overwhelmed and upset, and now, I'm at a loss of what to do....so much to say in such a short msg, without leaving everyone full of questions. So, this is my beginning to my dilemma.

[Rose3]

How can you verify her accusation? I think that you need some time to consider all of this. To try to get to the truth and the facts. Yet - this really puts you in a spot. Do you believe her? Or do you doubt her?

[Mr. Michael]

Hi,
Did she say when your boyfriend sexually assaulted her? I would think this would be of importance if he actually did. I think getting all the facts from both parties would allow you to find out the truth. If he actually did assault her, she has a point, although a bit immature in the way she has dealt with it. Perhaps she could have said something like "Mom, I need to tell you something that happened that I've been keeping from you".

Confronting your boyfriend and seeking the truth seems like the only way to go here. Once you have the truth, you can make a better decision.

[SnakeCharmer]

munchkin, I am so sorry to hear that you're experiencing such traumatic information. It's news that would devastate any parent.

This is something you can't ignore. If it's true, do you want to stay with the man who abused your daughter, even if it means disrupting your entire life? It sounds as if you doubt your daughter. Do you have reason to doubt her? Or are you just so shocked that you don't know what to believe?

It's totally natural for you to feel overwhelmed and upset and to not know what to do. One way or another, your life is about to be turned upside down. Find someone to help you through this. Before you have any answers, you'll need plenty of questions to figure out what happened and how to cope with it.

I strongly urge you to find a therapist ASAP who can help you navigate through these stormy seas. You might consider consulting a family law attorney for advice on how to proceed. An attorney can give you 100% confidentiality. Most family law attorneys can make good referrals to therapists who know how to deal with problems such as these.

It will cost you to consult an attorney, but it can be money well spent. Not only can s/he guide you toward help, but if your daughter is telling you the truth about your partner, you had better start protecting your assets because a man who would abuse your daughter does not have your best interests at heart.

Whether your daughter's phone message felt calculating is beside the point right now. Your family is in crisis. Get help as soon as possible. If your daughter was abused, she is suffering unspeakable pain. These accusations often seem to come out of the blue. Slowly, over time, as the shock wears off, you will begin to understand what is true and what isn't. My thoughts will be with you.

[unaluna]

Is she saying he assaulted her in the past, or on this recent visit?

[Perna]

When was the last time you saw her before this visit to her? Has it felt like things have not been good between you for awhile? I know I did not tell my mother a worker in our household assaulted me until I was grown/20 years later and then only vaguely. I did not feel angry at my mother though, like it was her fault. The worker was part of my parent's life for 3-4 years after he assaulted me and I just worked hard to avoid him. I can see how one could feel angry at one's mother but still, something feels off about the whole thing, not like she is lying necessarily but more like she is focused on being angry at you rather than solving the "problem" -- almost like she is using the situation to be angry at you. How does she feel about her father and your divorce?

[nevs]

Wow that is a tough situation. You must get both sides of the story so you can make an informed decision. If this man did assault your daughter then definitely drop him, and press charges. You might love him but if he did this then he is a piece of crap. From what you've said I feel like your daughter is acting a little suspicious or maybe you feel as if she is lying in some way. If you never had even a hint of this situation then try not to blame yourself too harshly for it. How could you have known that this would happen? If what she says is true then both of you should seek therapy, you both need to learn how to cope with the situation and move on so that your relationship can be strong again.

[waiting4]

I agree more information is necessary, and it will be difficult for everyone involved. However, if your bf did indeed sexually assault you daughter when she was a kid, there is no reason to believe he wouldn't do it again with another child. IMO the relationship would be over, no matter how hard it would be for me to leave.

As for the comment from a poster that your daughter revealed this information in an immature manner...I think that's a bit judgmental. Telling your mother that her bf assaulted you when you were a kid is extremely stressful, and as she may be suffering from ptsd due to this experience, it is wholly understandable if the presents as a child when confronting an adult who, in her opinion, should have known what was going on.

I'm sorry you're going thru this, and I wish you and your daughter a speedy resolution, and recovery from this trauma.

Take care

[tinyrabbit]

I would believe your daughter.

[whoflungpoo]

the second i heard someone abused my child i would have had the police on the phone.

just sayin

nonetheless, good luck to you.

[ifst5]

To be honest, how likely is your partner going to admit to it even if he did? I would just watch very carefully for his reaction but before asking him i would try and weigh up the facts very carefully and try and get more information from your daughter if you can. Remember it was probably pretty difficult for her to tell you such a thing - regardless of the motive - so try and be as mindful of her feelings as you can. Some of the questions i'd be asking myself are along the lines of whether or not the divorce was amicable or whether it affected her more negatively, how did i play a part in that, how has our relationship been since? etc etc. It's best to be honest with yourself before you attempt to tackle this further.

If your relationship has always been fraught with difficulty and made worse by circumstance then i would be somewhat suspect but to be honest - why would she be trying for even more advantage now and in such a way? Was there a particular reason you were visiting her? You leave out rather a lot of detail so it's difficult to try and interpret your post further but i suppose the bottom line is whether this would be enough of a reason, if it could likely be judged as true, to leave your partner regardless of your relationship with your daughter and how this new issue might impact upon it.

Abuse is abuse and even if you're not sure just how much you want her to factor into the rest of your life, i know that if i were her mother i'd want to take some accountability - especially if she was still a child, in getting to the bottom of this. I wish you both the best of luck, there's no easy way to deal with this.

First thing I would ask, is that you hve an open mind. From your post it sounds as if you're assuming that she's wrong in saying what she did but if you assume she is telling the truth, what would you do? Would you want to be with a man that has the capabillity to do this?

Ok so that being ssaid and it's already been said that more evidence is necessary but.. considering it's your daughter, who's side would you rather side with? I don't know about you but I definitely would give my child(ren) the benefit of the doubt first. Period. NO ifs ands or buts about it.

Thing to consider to decide wether there is any weight to her accusations. First, is this out of character for her? Does she have any reason to lie to you about this, in other words, is this the length at which she has shown to go to to get her way ever before? If it's a new behavior and NOT like her to say such things, I would seriously consider the fact that this may be true. If it's a typical behavior that she has engaged in to manipulate you or a situation, perhaps it's not so honest. This is something you need to ask yourself about your daughter.

Considering it sounds like this is new, you have not alluded to your being estranged from your daughter or that you've been distant and/or had trouble before, I'm guessing it's not something particularly common in your interactions with her but this is just my analysis from the outside. Only you can know this.

Just some things to think about.

[Werewoman]

When I told my mother that my stepfather had abused me, her response was, "How did he get out of the bedroom without my knowing it?"

Do I need to state the obvious here that I no longer have a relationship with my mother?

Children DO NOT make this stuff up, even after becoming adults.