[maroda09]

I'm a 27 year old female that has a stable salary paying job with good benefits. I've been at this job for 4 years. I live alone in my own apartment. I pay all my bills and expenses. I'm 100% independent. I have no children, a few good friends, and I just got a graduate degree in a field I love. I live four states away from my parents. In other words...I've turned out all right.

I'm an only child...who was adopted. (Wasn't told until I was 24). And that may shed some light on why my childhood was so rough. I had loving parents and a stable home but we fought constantly. I'd get yelled at for everything. I'd have an attitude about everything. My expectations and my parents' just never matched up. This caused a lot of friction during my teenage years.

Which is why after college I moved a few states away. I wanted adventure and a chance to define my own expectations for my life without my parents overbearing influence pressuring me one way or another. Our relationship improved dramatically and we talk on the phone almost every day.

Their health isn't the greatest. Arthritis has taken a major toll on both of them, but I feel like that recently they are using their health problems into shaming/guilting me.

Example: I just graduated and I had to use a lot of time off for my comprehensive exams and my graduation. My parents drove 5 hours to stay with my at my apt and celebrate my graduation. Every month I put money towards a vacation account so the three of us can go camping in the summer. This summer I wouldn't have enough vacation time for a trip so we decided to go next summer to a place I originally wanted to visit by myself.

To compensate for the lack of a long vacation, and to explore the world around me. I booked a quick and affordable trip to a city I've never been to. I wanted to explore and now is the time when I'm not "tied down" by other people or responsibilities. I told my parents I was going because we talk every day AND they stalk the crap out of me on Facebook. And given my tense teenage years they would say I "lied" or "was sneaky" about my solo trip even though I am an adult with a stable income.

Cue an epic fight. "You threw that trip in our face!" "Why do we always have to drive up if we want to see you?" "Why do you never take the initiative to drive down and visit us?" "We feel like you think nothing of us."

Fighting words.

For the past 5 years my mom will drive up to get me for Thanksgiving/Christmas. I pay for gas, drive half the way, buy food, fancy beverages for when we're home, whatever we need. I feel we bond in our car rides. This is because I don't have a car and renting a car to have it sit in my parents' driveway for a week is expensive. (They live in a rural area so its not like I could rent a car and drop it off somewhere only to re-rent when I drive back home).

The past 3 engagements they "drove 5 hours for" were a bridal shower (not mine) a wedding (also not mine) and my graduation. I provided free lodging and food for these events.

The compromise here would be that I rent a car next holiday to prevent them from having to make that "difficult 5 hour drive." Not a problem. I can do that. But the reality is, that isn't the problem or the issue. They straight up told me they can't believe I wouldn't consider visiting them when its not a holiday. That I choose to go visit a city by myself instead of them. (Just saw them for 5 days a month ago). That I seem to have all the money in the world to do what I want and go where I want but that is never home.

I haven't taken a solo vacation in 3 years. There are a lot of issues at hand here: boundaries, letting go of an adult child, expectations vs. reality, and hovercraft parents. I'd like to cut them off for a few days. Not as a punishment but to clear my head. The truth is I don't want to spend my limited vacation time to rent a car and drive down just to sit in the same room with them. (They will say they are to frail to do anything else.)

Any tips on how to establish healthy boundaries? I believe they (especially my mother) have attempted to use manipulative and guilt tactics my entire life to achieve the expectations they want/have for me. It took me a long time to realize this.

At least I'm still taking my solo trip and I'm still excited about it.

[jd82]

Hi there - this is definitely a tough situation, and I also know how hard it can be to set boundaries with your parents.

There's an article on this site called:
Tips on Setting Boundaries in Enmeshed Relationships

That has some good tips.

It sounds like they need positive reinforcement and it couldn't hurt to take a breather. Maybe even let them know how much you love and appreciate them, enjoy spending time with them but also need to have your own time and remind them you will be there to visit them the next time around.

Originally Posted by maroda09

I'm a 27 year old female that has a stable salary paying job with good benefits. I've been at this job for 4 years. I live alone in my own apartment. I pay all my bills and expenses. I'm 100% independent. I have no children, a few good friends, and I just got a graduate degree in a field I love. I live four states away from my parents. In other words...I've turned out all right.

I'm an only child...who was adopted. (Wasn't told until I was 24). And that may shed some light on why my childhood was so rough. I had loving parents and a stable home but we fought constantly. I'd get yelled at for everything. I'd have an attitude about everything. My expectations and my parents' just never matched up. This caused a lot of friction during my teenage years.

Which is why after college I moved a few states away. I wanted adventure and a chance to define my own expectations for my life without my parents overbearing influence pressuring me one way or another. Our relationship improved dramatically and we talk on the phone almost every day.

Their health isn't the greatest. Arthritis has taken a major toll on both of them, but I feel like that recently they are using their health problems into shaming/guilting me.

Example: I just graduated and I had to use a lot of time off for my comprehensive exams and my graduation. My parents drove 5 hours to stay with my at my apt and celebrate my graduation. Every month I put money towards a vacation account so the three of us can go camping in the summer. This summer I wouldn't have enough vacation time for a trip so we decided to go next summer to a place I originally wanted to visit by myself.

To compensate for the lack of a long vacation, and to explore the world around me. I booked a quick and affordable trip to a city I've never been to. I wanted to explore and now is the time when I'm not "tied down" by other people or responsibilities. I told my parents I was going because we talk every day AND they stalk the crap out of me on Facebook. And given my tense teenage years they would say I "lied" or "was sneaky" about my solo trip even though I am an adult with a stable income.

Cue an epic fight. "You threw that trip in our face!" "Why do we always have to drive up if we want to see you?" "Why do you never take the initiative to drive down and visit us?" "We feel like you think nothing of us."

Fighting words.

For the past 5 years my mom will drive up to get me for Thanksgiving/Christmas. I pay for gas, drive half the way, buy food, fancy beverages for when we're home, whatever we need. I feel we bond in our car rides. This is because I don't have a car and renting a car to have it sit in my parents' driveway for a week is expensive. (They live in a rural area so its not like I could rent a car and drop it off somewhere only to re-rent when I drive back home).

The past 3 engagements they "drove 5 hours for" were a bridal shower (not mine) a wedding (also not mine) and my graduation. I provided free lodging and food for these events.

The compromise here would be that I rent a car next holiday to prevent them from having to make that "difficult 5 hour drive." Not a problem. I can do that. But the reality is, that isn't the problem or the issue. They straight up told me they can't believe I wouldn't consider visiting them when its not a holiday. That I choose to go visit a city by myself instead of them. (Just saw them for 5 days a month ago). That I seem to have all the money in the world to do what I want and go where I want but that is never home.

I haven't taken a solo vacation in 3 years. There are a lot of issues at hand here: boundaries, letting go of an adult child, expectations vs. reality, and hovercraft parents. I'd like to cut them off for a few days. Not as a punishment but to clear my head. The truth is I don't want to spend my limited vacation time to rent a car and drive down just to sit in the same room with them. (They will say they are to frail to do anything else.)

Any tips on how to establish healthy boundaries? I believe they (especially my mother) have attempted to use manipulative and guilt tactics my entire life to achieve the expectations they want/have for me. It took me a long time to realize this.

At least I'm still taking my solo trip and I'm still excited about it.

first off, good for you taking your solo trip. You should be excited. I feel you have a good head on your shoulders and know your position/role in life right now. You're truly independent.

My question comes from the fact that you poitn out you had a loving and stable upbringing and lift up your parents in the beginning and somehow the behaviors they are showing are not supportive of that idea. I am not in any way saying that your parents were terrible or anything but that there are issues that probably do run deeper than you allude to here.

Seems to me that their behavior is rather judgemental, controlling and manipulative and it is rather hard to believe that it's just now starting.

I'm not sure if you're aware of it, but perhaps looking at this a little deeper will help because I remain convinced that this is not an entirely new behavior for them.

As for what you should do, I would first limit the interactions with them and make it so they understand they have no "right" to tell you if, when and where you go on vacation. I think that you're making a stand here and other than just not reacting to their rants at you, not much more you can really do. You're doing the right thing as it is, doing what you want to do and not leatting them manipulate you in changing your plans.

[Travelinglady]

Hello, maroda09! I had to get a therapist to help me set healthy boundaries. It's one thing when the relationship has been good, and you actually want to visit, but another when seeing them make you miserable.

They are definitely too controlling. You should be able to lead your own life.

[happiedasiy]

Dear OP,
Congratulations on making it through life without falling through the many pitfalls that are out there.
You moved 5 hours away from parents and now they are still stalking you.
It is hard being a parent for over 20 plus years and they fly away.
By now they should have moved on after that empty nester syndrome.
Issues are not really on the table, as you know. Talk with someone if you wish about them.

Trust me anything you suggest will not make amends to their complaints. They want what they want and that is not fair to you. You are everything a parent wishes for, you are self sufficient woman.

One thing with my daughter was call just to say hello/or goodnight. Holidays are less important. Quality time versus Quantity. Yes you can say no without the guilt.
My daughter and I are relearning. It takes time.

They have to find things they enjoy and are time consuming.
They have a new life to experience, if they choose.
They can't live vicariously through you.
Guilt will only drive you away.
The more you stand up for yourself and what you want and what makes you happy should be a good starting point. You set the boundaries without guilt and you will feel better.
H.

[hvert]

Know that you are not alone in this! I don't know why some parents are this way and some aren't. My mother was very clingy, all throughout my 20s, and I still struggle to fend her off in some ways.

There is no way to please them and yourself. They will be angry when you start to cut the strings (like you are doing) and there's no way for you to cut the strings that won't make them angry. At the same time, you have your life to live. They need to make their own friends and develop their own life that doesn't revolve around you, just like you need to make your own life that doesn't revolve around them.

I found it interesting to find out how people my own age related to their parents, how often they talk. Talking to your parents every day is a lot. You deserve your independence.

All the crap they are giving you about renting a car or not renting a car -- that is manipulative. Wanting to be independent is natural. Taking a vacation instead of seeing your parents - that is normal. You do not owe your mother anything for driving to pick you up.

I found that if I threaten to withdraw even more, my mother behaves a bit better. Tell your mother that you will have to get off the phone if she keeps harassing you about your vacation, then do it. After a few times, she may wise up and at least feign happiness for you

[StuckinRut]

I can strongly identify with what you wrote. In the past, my mum also accused me of being “secretive” if I didn't divulge the details of my private affairs. For many years I told my parents almost everything about my life; this was after all what they expected/demanded. Very recently I realised that this, in part, enables them to continue exerting control over me. So I now I try hard to say avoid talking, in any detail about my life. I think this is better for both of us. Now, there is no simmering tension beneath the surface of our conversations, because we talk about neutral topics. I think that guilt is just another tool they use to manipulate and control, just as you say.

I agree with s4ndm4n2006, it seems that you are taking positive steps to address the situation. I think you should consider whether it is appropriate to call your parents everyday. In my view dramatically reducing the frequency of your calls will facilitate two changes: 1) it will take back some control and place it in your hands, that will emphasis that your interaction with them is voluntary now that you are an adult, 2) it will create space in their lives for other more healthy distractions. This might prompt them to step back from the situation and gain a different perspective. It will also give you some more space to emerge as your own person.

With regard to the holiday, good for you! You don't need your parents permission or blessing to take a holiday, nor do you need to consult them about it. They need to get used to that reality. I'm beginning to realise that toxic parents initially fight hard to preserve the status quota, but if change is forced upon them they are very adaptable. Their techniques for manipulation will just mutate into different and far more subtle forms