[butterflynotsure]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. His daughter was 10 when we started dating. Her father divorced her mother and was remarried and divorced again before dating me. She said from the beginning that she didn't like her stepmom and was glad she was gone. She spent days with us and pretty much spent the summers with us. All of a sudden, she started talking to her old stepmom and started turning against us. She would lie about it. I was furious because we gave and gave to her. She then apologized for what she did and things went back to normal. Then she did it again and was extremely mean to her father saying really mean things. Sticking up for her old stepmom and putting down her father. Her stepmom used this in court because they have a 5 year old son together. She then stopped and started being nice again. We expressed our concern and explained how we felt about the lies and the back and forth. This is really affecting my two children who are 9 and 11. Needless to say, she has just done it again. She quit talking to her father, but goes and stays with her stepmom. She then sent a letter saying she misses him and wants him to remember she is his only daughter. She even said she sat by the phone waiting for him to call her on Father's Day. I was pissed. She is 13 and can call him. He called her after receiving the letter and she spoke for maybe two minutes. Two days later, she went and stayed at her stepmom's house and hasn't spoken to him since. Her stepmom even came to our house to get their son and she went and waited for them at her stepmom's house because she didn't want seen with her at our house. I am to the point where I am done with her crap. I feel she is old enough to know better and is playing games. I want to pack her stuff up and send it to her mother's house. They moved into my house. I don't want her around and could care less about her at this point. What should I do? Am I wrong?

[ChipperMonkey]

It seems like she's playing everyone like a fiddle in order to get whatever it is that she wants. Are her actual birth parents not stepping in and doing anything? She seems to be in desperate need of boundaries.

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

It seems like she's playing everyone like a fiddle in order to get whatever it is that she wants.
Are her actual birth parents not stepping in and doing anything? She seems to be in desperate need of boundaries.

I AGREE...... and the Parents (or the parent that cares enough to do some thing) needs to step up and put their foot down and down hard it needs to go. Kids her age will continue to test their parents, but its up to the adults in her life to set the acceptable boundaries that must and will be followed at all times.

[SnakeCharmer]

Please go over to the psychotherapy forum and read how many posts are coming from adults who are still struggling with the pain that started in childhood from insecurity, parental rejection, neglect and worse.

I am a step-mother. When my step-daughter was 13, she was intent on purposely making my life hell. She succeeded most of the time. She played both ends against the middle, she schemed, she lied, etc etc. Those were the worst years of my life. Not so very good for her either. So it goes. She was 13. All she'd really ever known was insecurity. Just like your boyfriend's daughter. That's the main point to keep in mind. She's still a child, entering the hellacious teenage years. You, on the other hand, are an adult.

In the end, my step-daughter grew up, she even apologized, and we get on famously now. The thing is, I knew it was a package deal going in. If I wanted the man, and I did, then the kid was part of it. She could not be discarded when she stopped being a cute pre-teen and turned into a hormone raging teenage mutant from the universe of multiple divorces and dysfunctional parents and vengeful in-laws, out-laws and step-families.

You fell in love with a man who has children. That means ex-partners, too, and complications and co-parenting and sometimes it's just not too damn much fun. That's reality.

Someone has to be the adult in this situation. That would be you. Whether you like it or not. You are the adult. And, of course, your boyfriend, too. He's an adult and you didn't say much about how he's handling this. You did say you couldn't care less about her and you don't want her around, that she's playing games and she's old enough to know better.

What about you? Are you old enough to know how to step back, get your own act together, figure out what part of this mess belongs to your boyfriend and which part belongs to you and then do something to make it better?

Kicking a 13 year old to the curb, while hoping to hang onto the dad, is not a good solution, even when that 13 year old is a gigantic pain in the behind.

You might benefit by having a few counseling sessions with a therapist where you can vent your rage in a safe place and perhaps get some tips on how to deal with the machinations of a teen who's on her third mother figure. Be sure to tell your boyfriend what you're doing and why. You're seeing a counselor because you are stressed to the max by the family conflict with his daughter and you need some help to cope. After you have your anger under control and can talk without spouting words you can never take back, then get your boyfriend in there so the two of you can learn to work as a team to solve these problems together. Maybe the solution will be to send the girl back to live with her mom If that's the case, it's something that has to be accomplished in as loving and calm a way as possible, with the girl having a chance to be part of the process.

What happens during these formative years will stay with her for years, maybe forever. It can make or break her. Bottom Line: Kids are not disposable. Not even the obnoxious ones.

[hvert]

What SnakeCharmer said. This is a 13 year old kid who has had a stream of quasi parents parading through her short life. Why is she living with her stepmother and not her mother? That has to sting.

Agree With SnakeCharmer on everything. She's 13 yrs old and been through 2 divorces so far, with you being the third SO your bf has had. So I am not judging him for having broken relationships but pointing out that for a 13 yr old or any kid for that matter it brings with it a lot of uncertainty and insecurity. What our kids need are to know that they are loved, cared for and get the attention they need and the divorces in her life has placed her squarely in the middle of confusion and insecurity. Yes, she is acting out, and no, I don't think it's right for her to do what she's doing but packing her things and sending her away... that, personally really worries me that you would even consider that.

A child is not a property or garbage to be put out to the curb when they're less than perfect for us. Besides the fact that its NOT YOUR PLACE to say whether she's sent away or not. She's not even really a step daughter at all. She's your boyfriend's daughter and even less you have any say in the matter.

She's being manipulative and probably mean and nasty, I believe that. But like SnakeCharmer said you need to be the adult here.

Being a non parent in a situation like this is never an easy thing to do and the non-parent, whether a step or a gf/bf it doesn't matter, the bond with the child is never automatic and I know. I made a lot of mistakes with my (now ex) stepson. Trust me, look at her as a 13 yr old that is floundering, trying to find her place in the family, being 13 she's already struggling to find her identity and on top of that dealing with a gf of her dad's that's not her mother.. has a mother and an ex step mom. Try to understand, she needs security and love, not your criticism and anger.