[Rayne Selene]

My boyfriend and me are having trouble. He has a ton of stress in his life right now, a lot of situations that he's needing to handle, and it's pretty overwhelming for him. He's been really pulling away from me, is always distracted, always doing something, and even when he's trying to spend time with me, it's quick and harried and we just really aren't talking or connecting. We finally busted it out into the open tonight and he just laid out all the things he's stressed about, and says that he can't talk to me about them because I just say "I'm sorry, babe" and that's it. That's true, btw. I have very difficult time dealing with stressful situations or helping others deal with them. So I told him that and apologized, and asked how I could help. He says he doesn't need my help, because he can handle it. Now he's saying I don't deserve to be treated like this and I should leave him, and he doesn't know what else to tell me.
I don't know what to do right now. I've been trying really hard to spend time with him, set aside everything in my life so that I'm available to him, trying to connect with him, but really I feel like our relationship is a big burden to him. And I'm trying to be understanding and I really do want to help, but at the same time, I can't pretend that I don't have emotional needs as well, and I can't handle being continuously put to the side until whatever he's stressed about blows over. There's always going to be another stressful situation. What do I do here????

[glok]

"Would you be better off with him or without him?" ~Ann Landers

Hello, Rayne Selene. Is he willing to get professional help. If not, you have a decision to make.

I wish you well.

[curley]

Hi Rayne, Wow your guy does not know what he wants, first he tells you that saying I am sorry is no help and then he says there is nothing you can do to help. Hey I think listening to him all the time is a big thing. And you are right there are always problems that come up, sometimes daily and we all need to deal with them. I do not know what stress your b/f is under but I think I agree with the last post ....maybe he should get some therapy. Life is ups and downs and we need to cope and be thankful we have people in our lives that care rather then push them away.
Good luck to you

[Rayne Selene]

To be fair, he is dealing with a LOT. Stuff no normal college student would usually be dealing with. And I really, really love him. Last night I just sort of snapped. I think I created a lot of the situation myself, by not listening when I should have been, or being clear enough about my feelings. I definitely have a lot to work through myself.
We fought (and I can count on one hand the number of times we've really fought in the last four years) and then we talked, and I think I got through a bit. He broke down today over all the things he's been stressing over and told me the last thing he wants is for me to leave him. I think we just need to rework some boundaries and stick to them. He needs to be more attentive, and I need to be more assertive...I think. I'm not super experienced in long term relationships. I'm just hoping it sticks, that things don't just revert back to the way they were. Because I'm not an on-call girlfriend, in a relationship when he needs me to be. You know what I mean?
Thank you both for your advice!

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by Rayne Selene

He needs to be more attentive, and I need to be more assertive...I think. I'm not super experienced in long term relationships. I'm just hoping it sticks, that things don't just revert back to the way they were. Because I'm not an on-call girlfriend, in a relationship when he needs me to be. You know what I mean?

Maybe what needs to happen is that you consider your bf's needs too, afterall a relationship involves 2 people and this last part I quoted screams me me me...

Giving him some space to sort through his shyt is called patience and consideration, not an "on call gf". Monopolizing time and energy he doesn't really have available is a huge contributer to these uneccessary arguments.

Taking a step back and giving him breathing room isn't the same as sitting on the sidelines.

Relationships succeed because BOTH parties are willing to make it work. He's agreed to be more attentive even though he's stressed out to the max, but what have you agreed to? To keep him in line by being more assertive? Maybe you should've agreed to be less demanding... idk.

Yeeah, I think you 2 should redo that talk you had. Before he throws more "you're better of without me" speeches in your direction.

On the other hand, if I'm completely off base and your bf has a history of consistantly ignoring your existance general. Well then maybe being assertive won't help if it hasn't helped in the past 4 years... Maybe therapy is the way to go.

[hvert]

I've had good luck focusing on what I need to do to improve things. I can complain about the way my boyfriend acts, but the only thing I can change is the way I act. I'm no saint, either. When I start to clear up some of my annoying habits, I find he is more likely to treat me the way I want to be treated.

He's told you that he doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about his situations because of your response. Maybe if you were able to change that, it would help relieve some of the stress, which would make things more relaxing when you are together? "What's that quote, be the change you want to see in the world?"

It sounds like the relationship is going to turn into a huge source of stress if it hasn't already. If he really is facing a lot of difficult situations, maybe you could cut him some slack and just do what you can to help instead of adding onto his problems. You could set yourself a sort of deadline, focus on reducing the stressors in both your lives for 2 weeks or a month and see what happens.