[Maria38Divine]

Over the years, my father has gradually removed himself from our lives. My mother basically raised us by herself. He provided financial support for the most part, but not much more. As soon as we (his children) got to high school, his visits became fewer and fewer and then non-existent. He missed pretty much all of the special milestones in my youngest brother's life. It's gotten to a point where he neither wants to visit us nor wants us to visit him. If we say we want to visit, he insists on getting several days notice in advance and restricts us to visiting on certain days of the week. He doesn't readily accommodate visits that get in the way of his schedule.

He's pretty old now and a bit shaky. He lives far from us. I'm the only child who can get to him the quickest (a 4-hour journey by road). The last couple times I visited, it was obvious his home hadn't been cleaned in a while and it doesn't seem to get cleaned unless I visit. I wish I could visit more, but the journey takes a toll on me and I'm out of it for days after. Plus money is limited. When I'm at his home, he's somewhat accommodating, but he doesn't go out of his way to make me feel welcome. We don't even have a meal together, and he doesn't want me to cook for him. When I'm leaving, he looks sad. I used to ask him, if he'd like to come visit or have an outing with me where we do something nice away from home. He kept saying no, so I stopped asking.

We (his family) send him pictures and call, so he's kept abreast of things, and he says he's happy to get all the keepsakes. We invite him to live with us, but he refuses. He says he doesn't want to be a burden. It doesn't matter how much we reassure him, he won't change his mind, so we don't push the subject anymore. A couple years ago, one of my siblings and I wanted to take him to lunch. He refused. Now, we're trying to plan something special for him, but he tells us he can't come. My Dad has made mistakes in his life--some we are aware of. Regardless, we've never held them against him, but have been as supportive as we can.

I think he's depressed, but would depression cause a man not to want to see or hangout with his family? Parents, please share your thoughts. I'm at a loss.

[krisakira]

When I haven't spoken to someone in a long time, I get scared that they are mad at me for not contacting them, and thus avoid them. Perhaps your father has some of the same worries as I do.

[Maria38Divine]

Originally Posted by krisakira

When I haven't spoken to someone in a long time, I get scared that they are mad at me for not contacting them, and thus avoid them. Perhaps your father has some of the same worries as I do.

The times we do talk, we laugh, and I also check to see how he's doing. We don't argue. My siblings don't argue with him either. So he has no reason to be worried.

[hvert]

Does he have a busy social life outside of your visits? It sounds like he has been detaching from the family for a long time. Maybe he's just a loner?

It's nice of you all to care so much about him despite his lack of presence when you were younger.

[Maria38Divine]

Originally Posted by hvert

Does he have a busy social life outside of your visits? It sounds like he has been detaching from the family for a long time. Maybe he's just a loner?

It's nice of you all to care so much about him despite his lack of presence when you were younger.

He seems to be a loner, But then again, he has his drinking buddies, who he seems to hang out with each week. He didn't tell us this, but we picked up on it through things he and others said. Plus I've seen him drunk twice. Of course, that was a shock to me because I'd never seen him like that before.

[guilloche]

Hi Maria38Divine...

I wish I had some great advice to offer... I *do* think depression can (absolutely!) make you not want to hang out with your family. Isn't isolation often a big problem with depression? That, and low energy (not wanting to put in the effort to be around people, even those you normally like)?

That said, it's really kind of you and your siblings to keep up the contact with your dad. (My dad has kind of dropped out of my life as well, and I've tried to stay in contact - but really have found that as I get older, it's too hard for me to have a 1-sided relationship.)

Does it help at all when you plan things out with him farther in advance? Maybe he's not comfortable with having his routine changed, but does better with more time to prepare?

I also kind of wonder... if he's saying that he doesn't want to be a burden, if you could articulate more loudly that you really WANT to spend time with him (i.e. it causes you more sadness to NOT see him)? I'd only say that if it feels true for you... but if he's depressed, he may need to hear that a little more loudly to really get it, maybe?

I guess it's good that he's got people he hangs out with... but I'd find the drinking a little worrisome . Sorry you're having to figure this out... Good luck!