[valfa]

Hi
I have Anxiety and Panic issues and am currently on meds,my daughter and I had a huge fall out before I started these meds because she got pregnant at 16.

I went to her ultrasounds with her but she left me sat in the waiting room and chose to have the scan with her friend,that day my daughter was very nasty and hurtful to me and was saying I wasn't there for her when my mum died so why should she let me be there for her now,she left me sat alone for over an hour. this ultrasound thing seemed like a payback thing to me. (I was hugely upset and this led to a confrontation firstly with her then with her boyfriends mum where my daughter had been staying.My daughter constantly threw up my failings i have in her eyes over a number of issues that had nothing to do with her,like how I dont bother with my brother and his wife and by not speaking to them while she is means ive ruined her life.

The confrontation was bad very bad I was kicking her boyfriends door shouting,I had lost the plot completely,I have never felt that angry and hurt in my life,I lost control,I calmed down just in time for the police to arrive,I wasn't arrested they just sent me home.

The day after this confrontation I had a Major breakdown and presented myself up at the hospital to get help,there over a few appointments I was assessed and diagnosed with Anxiety Panic Bereavement and Anger issues,I wasn't crazy or in need of a hospital stay,I got told I was actually quite normal.

My daughter moved out due to our row and because my son moved his girlfriend in.
After yet another huge text row where my daughter lied and lied and created a traumatic history for herself we fell out,I could not make sense out of her nonsense and was becoming more ill.

We didn't speak for 7 weeks then her baby decided to put in an early appearance,My husband and I were met at home by our sister in law whom we dont speak to who proceeded to say my daughter had given birth but I was not allowed to see her or her baby.

My husband and I went straight up to the hospital and my daughter was ok with us for a few weeks,then I started to see the old patterns coming and asked her why shes being distant and not trying to help mend our relationship (I tried n tried)and to cut this short she accused me of being a nasty drunk who cant be trusted around her child (I go out once a week and yes ive texted her drunk i texted her every day since her baby was born)she says im a bad person and have been a bad mother yet my older son does not share her views her boyfriends mum has custody of his sisters 2 kids both under 5 due to physical issues on the children apparently from the ex boyfriend,I expressed concerns(to my daughter) about my daughter living there when her baby comes out of hospital (my daughter went and told her man that id been slating his sister and him and his mum)I only asked if my daughter believed her daughter would be safe around his sister!),and now im accussed of calling his sister allsorts .I am now not allowed to see my grandaughter and my daughter hates me.

And guess what now we have had another huge text row and she has called me every hurtful thing going and says she would trust his sister with her baby and not me im heartbroken and my illness is trying to go into overload again.

Deep breath...just wanted to rant it out
Best advice I ever had was i get upset because my brain is trying to make sense out of the nonsense
I think my daughter is narcisstic and looking into that i ended up on this site.

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by valfa

Hi
I have Anxiety and Panic issues and am currently on meds,my daughter and I had a huge fall out before I started these meds because she got pregnant at 16.

I went to her ultrasounds with her but she left me sat in the waiting room and chose to have the scan with her friend,that day my daughter was very nasty and hurtful to me and was saying I wasn't there for her when my mum died so why should she let me be there for her now,she left me sat alone for over an hour. this ultrasound thing seemed like a payback thing to me. (I was hugely upset and this led to a confrontation firstly with her then with her boyfriends mum where my daughter had been staying.My daughter constantly threw up my failings i have in her eyes over a number of issues that had nothing to do with her,like how I dont bother with my brother and his wife and by not speaking to them while she is means ive ruined her life.

The confrontation was bad very bad I was kicking her boyfriends door shouting,I had lost the plot completely,I have never felt that angry and hurt in my life,I lost control,I calmed down just in time for the police to arrive,I wasn't arrested they just sent me home.

The day after this confrontation I had a Major breakdown and presented myself up at the hospital to get help,there over a few appointments I was assessed and diagnosed with Anxiety Panic Bereavement and Anger issues,I wasn't crazy or in need of a hospital stay,I got told I was actually quite normal.

My daughter moved out due to our row and because my son moved his girlfriend in.
After yet another huge text row where my daughter lied and lied and created a traumatic history for herself we fell out,I could not make sense out of her nonsense and was becoming more ill.

We didn't speak for 7 weeks then her baby decided to put in an early appearance,My husband and I were met at home by our sister in law whom we dont speak to who proceeded to say my daughter had given birth but I was not allowed to see her or her baby.

My husband and I went straight up to the hospital and my daughter was ok with us for a few weeks,then I started to see the old patterns coming and asked her why shes being distant and not trying to help mend our relationship (I tried n tried)and to cut this short she accused me of being a nasty drunk who cant be trusted around her child (I go out once a week and yes ive texted her drunk i texted her every day since her baby was born)she says im a bad person and have been a bad mother yet my older son does not share her views her boyfriends mum has custody of his sisters 2 kids both under 5 due to physical issues on the children apparently from the ex boyfriend,I expressed concerns(to my daughter) about my daughter living there when her baby comes out of hospital (my daughter went and told her man that id been slating his sister and him and his mum)I only asked if my daughter believed her daughter would be safe around his sister!),and now im accussed of calling his sister allsorts .I am now not allowed to see my grandaughter and my daughter hates me.

And guess what now we have had another huge text row and she has called me every hurtful thing going and says she would trust his sister with her baby and not me im heartbroken and my illness is trying to go into overload again.

Deep breath...just wanted to rant it out
Best advice I ever had was i get upset because my brain is trying to make sense out of the nonsense
I think my daughter is narcisstic and looking into that i ended up on this site.

first of all, let me say this..just because you and your daughter don't get along doesn't necessarily mean that she is narcissistic. unless she has been formally diagnosed it is safe to assume she isn't.

at the beginning of your post you stated you two had a huge falling out over her getting pregnant at 16..this probably created a gigantic rift between the two of you and she may have never forgiven you for it. at 16 years old with something as life changing as a pregnancy..a child needs their parents support..regardless of how we feel about the choices they made..we have to be the adult in that situation, understandable that you were upset..but think of her point of view.

my parents divorced when i was 16, i was devastated & never the same after that..i can only imagine how your daughter feels. children have high expectations of their parents..they really do & let down, you'll hear about it.
keep in mind, kids forget that parents are people too, with emotions,feeling and problems.

your daughter probably doesn't realize the extent of your problems, but at the same time we have the responsibility as the elder to control our behavior( no matter how impossible it may seem).

your daughter is being distant for several reasons, i'm sure she's still hurt.
upset and the police incident couldn't have helped. if you want to mend the relationship with your daughter you are going to have to do it slowly and on her terms.

some tips that might help..
1. don't text your daughter while drinking..this will only re inforce her negative opinion of you.
2. if you are going to call, keep it to once a week, give her her space and time to miss you..you are her mom, not her buddy and she seems to have her own life now.
3. if and when you do go to see the grandbaby, NEVER,EVER show up with even a HINT of alcohol in your system.it's going to take some time, but she will want and need your help in babysitting..but she NEEDS to be able to trust you..it's your grandbaby..BUT..it's her child, if she doesn't feel her child is going to be safe around you IT"S NOT GONNA HAPPEN

take a deep breath, give her some space..probably until the fall/holidays.
let all this blow over and the both of you can calm down & by all means NO MORE OF THESE BLOW UPS BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU.

you have to let things settle down, she's no angel i'm sure, but still you are the ELDER, it's time to make that evident and stop letting her upset you.
it's not going to be easy..if i said that i would be lying..this is an emotionally charged situation indeed, but you have to take the high ground, the mature route..no matter what nasty,mean,insensitive thing she says to you..avoid contact for now until it is remotely possible for the two of you to be civil.

i hope this helps and good luck!

[valfa]

Thanks for your reply,It has helped.
I am giving her the space and not texting her now.I am encouraging her dad not to cut her off for me,as my daughter still wants him in her life,he is upset because she is now using alcohol as a reason for everything and like my husband says its rediculous because I only go out once a week and never use alcohol at home,I do not have any kind of drink issue,I work nights thurs fri sat so dont go out until sunday afternoons.
I have racked my brains crazy wondering what the hell does she want from me,I think she loves the attention from everyone that this conflict brings due to the fact she has caused more trouble by running to people and blowing out of proportion things I have said and made it sound like I caused trouble even though she knows the truth e.g I had been out on a sunday and she called round and we chatted about the baby, I asked her if I could ask her a serious question,she said yes,I then asked her nicely if she thought her baby would be safe around his sister after everything she told me about the 2 kids under 5 having broken bones ect, her reply was omg mom of course,the ex boyfrend of hers has admitted it was him,an besides Im not stupid and will not leave my baby alone with her..I was ok with this answer and relieved.my daughter went home.I carried on going to visit my grandaughter in special care and text my daughter every day but she either didnt text me back or texted me a day later,It got to the point I texted and asked her why she was not answering my texts no answer.I texted her again and said are u ok.she then text back a load of abuse saying this and that then her boyfriend text me saying I had slagged off his sister and mom and him behind his back and was not welcome in their life.(my daughter had gone running to him about the conversation in my house the week before and blown it all up)...my daughter blamed my "drinking"

I give up

[hvert]

I agree that giving her space would be the best thing right now. It must be really hard, especially with a grandkid in special care, but what else can you do? If you text once a week and get no response, text once a month. I hope your husband keeps up the relationship he has with her so at least you can stay up to date.

Mother/daughter tension can blow up for seemingly no reason. A 16 year old having a baby is a person who is going through a mind blowing number of changes all at once. Instead of a gradual separation as she moves into adulthood, it's hitting you both all at once.

[seeker1950]

I can identify with your exp. I've sent you a PM.

[Jan1212]

During my pregnancy and weeks after giving birth, I was very emotional, i just wanted space and didn't need any stress or drama, in laws took it as me cutting them off from seeing my baby and they went crayyzee. She's probably scared, but always be there, calm, it will take some time

[Bill3]

I then asked her nicely if she thought her baby would be safe around his sister after everything she told me about the 2 kids under 5 having broken bones ect, her reply was omg mom of course,the ex boyfrend of hers has admitted it was him,an besides Im not stupid and will not leave my baby alone with her..

It sounds like she takes her responsibilities seriously.