[hartbroken]

I have a girlfriend who I care deeply about her feelings and her as a person. We have dated for about 6 years. In the last 3 years or so my depression and anxiety has gotten worse. I have bipolar schizoaffective. So my initial thoughts were that because of my clinical state, I was sliding on that.

But as we probe deeper, I started thinking it was something in my life, some things or relationship that wasn't good for me.

My girlfriend and I have had a sexual relationship for most of this time. We won't get married because I will lose my benefits. I initiated the sexual relationship, but now I have had a change of heart since I was sexually taken advantage of at a younger age, I want to stop having sex with my girlfriend indefinitely. It will help me heal. But she doesn't know how to think about that, she feels like I don't think she is good enough for me or something.

In a nutshell, I'm wondering if she is a major part of my nervousness and anxiety. I have a spiritual conviction now that I didn't hold as close to me when I initiated the sex, that I want to be celibate now too.

I'm afraid of losing her. And any mention of this to her would break things up because she would feel rejected by me. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but my peace is riding on this I think. I can't imagine my life without her, and she probably feels the same. I feel stranded and stuck, locked in neutral.

Should I break up with her? If so, how?

[healingme4me]

Not being on the same page, intimately can be relationship busting. I don't really have any suggestions to soften the blow. Accepting that you may lose her, and cause her pain, seems a first step.
Perhaps, focus on the spirituality and past abuses, be honest.

You can't have both you have to decide do you want to be free or not ?

Sit down and tell her you need time for yourself , breaking up is never easy but be honest with her and tell her the truth , this will help you heal and begun to grow .

[hamster-bamster]

From your post, it seems that you hold strong convictions and must follow the path that seems right to you, and that is well within your right. If you must be celibate now, be celibate. In terms of the breakup, just focus on making her feel less rejected. Be kind and understanding; mention your spiritual quest and that celibacy is NOT rejecting her but rejecting sexual relationships in general (if I understood you right). It would be very nice if you told her what you told us, and that is that YOU initiated the sexual relationship between the two of you, and that you own that, but your spiritual path has since led you to want to be celibate; you can mention that there is irony in the fact that YOU initiated the sexual relationship and YOU are the one severing the sexual ties.

So focus on all of that.

To hope that she would stick with you after all that is unrealistic, which does not mean that it cannot happen, but that the probability of that happening is minimal.

So do not hold onto unrealistic hopes and do what you must do for your own sake while thinking of how to make it easier on your girlfriend.

One idea (these things are super sentimental in the world of digital everything, which is why I am recommending them) is to make a hard copy photo book with pictures of your time together and maybe pictures of places you visited together etc. Shutterfly has good deals from now till Christmas and possibly beyond, so if you get your act together, you can, in the next month, arrange your photos on shutterfly, choose a book design, write annotations (maybe they have the cursive font?..), etc. Make it memorable, touching, and thoughtful. A very special parting present is another idea. Whatever she likes that would LAST as a memory - a piece of jewelry, a bottle of her favorite perfume or at least eau de perfume, a knick-knack... only you know what she would like to receive. Think along the lines of your marking the end of an important and positive time period that you spent together and your expressing appreciation of her and adoration of her and wishing her well.

[PennyD]

Just be really honest with yourself first, maybe talk to a therapist and write down some thoughts and feelings before talking to her about them, just so you can have clarification. When you do talk to her, be honest as well. Not harsh, but honest. Let her know how much you care, and just make a point to really highlight the most important things you want to say. Everything will be okay as long as you are certain what you want.