[octoberpumpkin]

My boyfriend is divorced and its having some effects on me about a possible wedding in the future. I know, people always say "It doesn't matter" or "It just shows how much he loves you if he wants to get married again" but it matters to me.

To me, marriage is a very very serious commitment. He promised to spend the rest of his life with another woman and that didn't work out and now here I am. How will I feel knowing those things he says to me have been said to someone else before. The original person he wanted to spend his life with? Watching her walk down the isle. It hurts me. It really really hurts me.

It also makes me feel bad about myself. We have very different ideas about an ideal wedding and his other wedding was much more what he wanted. Now I feel like if I get anything my way then I'm the bride who didn't give him what he wanted and then I also lose out on stuff that's important to me if I do give him what he wants. Anything I don't compromise on will just make me feel like poo.

It also makes me sad that he and his ex wife had such closer taste on this. I just feel so bad and I also feel bad because apparently she was like the "classic" bride who was all excited and had her dad pay for her wedding and everything. Well my dad is gone, I'm poor, and weddings never excited me that much. Now I feel like a failure of a bride if I'm not all girly and bouncing off the walls like he said he likes and my wedding won't be as nice because I can't afford it.

The idea of marrying him makes me so sad, but so does the idea of not getting married. I don't want to hear that it doesn't matter if he was married before because it matters to ME.

I just don't know what to do and I wish I didn't feel this way

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by octoberpumpkin

My boyfriend is divorced and its having some effects on me about a possible wedding in the future. I know, people always say "It doesn't matter" or "It just shows how much he loves you if he wants to get married again" but it matters to me.

To me, marriage is a very very serious commitment. He promised to spend the rest of his life with another woman and that didn't work out and now here I am. How will I feel knowing those things he says to me have been said to someone else before. The original person he wanted to spend his life with? Watching her walk down the isle. It hurts me. It really really hurts me.

It also makes me feel bad about myself. We have very different ideas about an ideal wedding and his other wedding was much more what he wanted. Now I feel like if I get anything my way then I'm the bride who didn't give him what he wanted and then I also lose out on stuff that's important to me if I do give him what he wants. Anything I don't compromise on will just make me feel like poo.

It also makes me sad that he and his ex wife had such closer taste on this. I just feel so bad and I also feel bad because apparently she was like the "classic" bride who was all excited and had her dad pay for her wedding and everything. Well my dad is gone, I'm poor, and weddings never excited me that much. Now I feel like a failure of a bride if I'm not all girly and bouncing off the walls like he said he likes and my wedding won't be as nice because I can't afford it.

The idea of marrying him makes me so sad, but so does the idea of not getting married. I don't want to hear that it doesn't matter if he was married before because it matters to ME.

I just don't know what to do and I wish I didn't feel this way

I'm sorry you're feeling so dismayed, octoberpumpkin. If you have decided you really DO want to marry your bf, then I heartily suggest pre-marital counselling to iron out all of the issues you've stated. It sounds like your self-esteem has taken a bit of a bruising and your finding it hard to trust your bf, even as you love him.

A counselor (be it professional or perhaps a religious person--pastor, priest) would be a huge help to both you and your bf.

Take care

[healingme4me]

I suppose the compromise would be, for him to chip in on the details that he wants.

What is it, about your ideal, that he's not interested in?

If the wedding is about the sharing of vows, and customarily about the bride having her dream display, then why isn't what you want, the same as what he wants?

[octoberpumpkin]

I want a religious ceremony because my religion is basically all I have. I don't really have much family or friends, but he isn't religious. I also want to say the traditional vows and be married in a Church, but he wants an outdoor wedding and thinks that not writing your own vows is lazy

[healingme4me]

Oh boy. That's where I had struggled when I got married. I caved into his desire to not marry, religiously. I also wanted a near elope type marriage. He insisted on his family. I struggled about family as I didn't invite my paternal family.
Once, I caved into that, there was a slow undercurrent of my needs were to be backburnered and his wants came first. I was willing to compromise on religious denomination. Right there, displays a rocky start.
He also, cannot expect to replicate what he had with her, onto you. He'll be in for a rude awakening, as the resentments that you'll have will only build and build. You deserve to feel special in a unique relationship with him. Not replica of his first wife.

[octoberpumpkin]

He says he is okay with a religious marriage, but I know he isn't because it doesn't represent who he is. Me asking him to have a religious marriage is the same as him asking me to not have one. This is just something really hard to compromise on because as far as I know, there are no "halfway religious" ceremonies and I have no idea how that would even work

[healingme4me]

I do know, where Catholic faith is concerned, there's a 'blessing' ceremony. Not certain of other faiths. Hope you can both find a solution to this dilemma. May also affect child rearing decisions. ..

[hvert]

If he is willing to compromise and have the religious wedding, take him up on it. Why not have a religious ceremony outdoors, including the traditional wedding vow as well as a portion you write yourself? Or have a church wedding and outdoor reception?