[navigatingBS]

Can we talk? I mean really talk? I was deeply involved with a man (let's call him Steve) when he surprised me with an unusual request. One night, Steve explained that if and when we got married, he would always want to have a separate apartment where he could be "alone."
In his version of our lives, Steve's "alone" was when he would step out on our relationship -- up to three nights a week. Steve wanted an open marriage -- a nonmonogamous, polyamorous arrangement wherein he could go his way and I could go mine.
Steve made his request after he and I were intimately involved -- catching me totally off guard. I'm a nice Jewish girl from Philadelphia who grew up in a cul de sac where we played kickball and said "darn" instead of "damn" when we missed a kick. The concept of open marriage is very foreign to me, but I do consider myself open-minded. I was already in love with Steve, so wondered, "Was four-sevenths of a marriage to Steve better than no marriage at all?"
Was it at all possible that the pros of an open marriage agreement could outweigh its cons? We all know that deceiving someone you love feels horrible on both sides -- so could creating a system of rules for cheating actually prove to be helpful? Does operating with transparency when cheating lessen the stress of an affair? Is the true immorality of cheating the act of dishonesty rather than the act of sex itself?
Here's what I learned about open marriages -- the good, the bad and the @#$@!
Oprah.com: When to break up and when to make up
The Good
When open marriages work, it is most likely because the unconventional unions are focused on good old-fashioned open communication. Telling the truth shows your partner respect, as does following agreed upon rules -- for example, keeping your partner in the loop as to where you have been and who you have been with.
The goal of an open marriage is to never have to lie -- to create an environment where you can be open about anything that makes you uncomfortable or afraid. Proponents say that this atmosphere supposedly then creates an opportunity for incredible communication, deeper intimacy and the opportunity to thrive as your fullest self.
Basically, the thought is that if you truly love your partner, you want them to live their fullest life -- flings and all. Flings are simply superficial sensory delights. There's no difference between your partner enjoying a pizza with anchovies without you and your partner enjoying a blonde with blue eyes without you.
In a good open marriage, you are simply creating a buffet of sexual experiences, so nobody feels like they are starving for new sensations. This honesty enables couples to avoid the emotional downward spiral of hidden affairs because the need for secrecy is removed.
Oprah.com: Are men only as faithful as their options?
And what about that green-eyed monster jealousy? Most open marriages make strong distinctions between sex with others and romance with others. Couples who subscribe to open-marriage philosophies typically agree to keep their spouses first at heart -- no matter who else they mingle with.
The Bad
I must confess, every time I type the words "good open marriage," my fingers twitch. These words feel oxymoronic. Personally, I view more cons than pros to an open marriage. For me, the whole point of marriage is to show your love and commitment by protecting your union with fidelity. There's a great deal of calm and security that comes from knowing your partner is directing his love and attention to you and you alone.
For me, rather than viewing open marriage as offering a yummy buffet of taste sensations, I view it as one big recipe for disaster. The main ingredients -- resentment, competitiveness, jealousy, insecurity, curtailed time, scattered affections, feelings of betrayal, lack of security -- all inevitably blur the lines of a healthy marriage.
For me, a healthy marriage asks you both to bring out your highest selves. Sure, it might take a little higher willpower to resist the lure of extracurricular sex, but this discipline is for the higher good, allowing for a calm, secure refuge to emerge. Calm and security may not sound as hotsy totsy as sex and more sex, but many of us believe it brings far more happiness in the long run. This security brings with it the confidence of knowing your partner is committed to you "till death do you part" rather than until their next Wednesday evening date.
In my opinion, open marriage is pretty much the opposite of marriage. It seems to be about avoiding commitment -- one of the cornerstones of a happy marriage. You may be able to agree on the "rules for cheating" in an intellectual way, but doesn't the emotional nature of love always get in the way?By the end of my research, I firmly believed that open marriage is merely an excuse for getting away with behaving self-indulgently and recklessly. In my book "Prince Harming Syndrome", any man who wants an open marriage is what I call a Prince Harming. Prince Harming is someone who does not make his partner feel safe, calm, secure, confident -- and the idea of an open marriage does not leave me feeling that way.
Oprah.com: Could you be dating a Prince Harming?
Dating is for making the most of your options. Marriage is for nurturing the one wonderful union you've been lucky enough to find so it grows into something incredibly wonderful.
It was surprisingly difficult to find statistics on whether open marriages work. Ironically, open marriage isn't something we talk about all that openly. Some research suggests that open marriage has a 92 percent failure rate. Steve Brody, Ph.D., a psychologist in Cambria, California, explains that less than 1 percent of married people are in open marriages. Nevertheless,it does seem to be a trend on the upturn. Several online dating sites offer applicants a new box to check -- married.
So what happened to Steve? I said no to his suggestion for an apartment he'd go to three days a week. You can't be four-sevenths married. If you are going to cheat, why bother asking someone to marry you in the first place?




So I started dating this guy that immigrated here 15 years ago. It was rocky from the start. I tried to break up with him once and he very aggressively pursued me. I ultimately gave in. We ended up in an open relationship. When gay marriage became legal, I married him so he could get his green card. we live together now. i cook, i clean, if we make an improvements to the apartment its initiated and coordinated by me. I make travels plans, I pay our rent and I help him pay his tuition. He is avoidant. He has no interest in affection or intimacy with me but I know he’s hooking up with guys he meets online. I tell myself that I stay because sex isn’t that important and that he’s a good companion but the truth is, he’s lazy, fat, selfish and expensive to support. I wanted to get married to start building a life with someone but i realize that if we ever adopt a child I will probably feel like a single parent anyway…he spends most of his free time looking at Facebook or grindr. He makes weird choices too - for example - after spending 80$ at the market on food for the week (on a tight budget too fyi) he went out and spent another 100$ on produce that we will never be able to eat in total before it goes bad. We’re on a tight budget, I’m not sure why he would think this is a smart choice to spend MY money on.

[curley]

Hi Navigating, Well your post did not ask for opinions, but what the hell. I found your post pretty interesting. And basically verified some information for me.
When I look at open marriage, my first thought is like you said, why get married. I have heard that as you pointed out it is just about sex and has nothing to do with love or your feelings for your spouse. All a contradiction to me! If I was married and wanted to have sex with someone else it would be because I had lost love or respect or both for my husband.
You may be sorry you did not marry Steve, but I don't think so! I think it would have been difficult for you to live with.
This new man you married so he could live here legally!!!! Sorry Crock! You sound like a nice "Jewish Girl" LOL, with a good sense of humor. (my opinion after reading your post) Anyway, what are you doing wasting your money and your time and your everything. And NO SEX! Excuse the pun but screw him. You are living life alone basically anyway. Get a pet if you are lonely. You don't need him or anyone else to have a good life! And don't settle!!!!! You can not live your dreams if you do!!! Good Luck

Hi nBS, I'm a "nice Jewish girl" from California. I'm in a non-traditional relationship situation. I'm 51, married for about 30 years, but my husband and I don't live together - haven't for about 10 years. We raised two awesome kids, now in their 20's. My husband and I remain close friends, but that's all. Our relationship is friendly, but its also strained. I live with my so-called "boyfriend". Boyfriend had a fine job when we met 10 years ago, then the economy tanked and he hasn't worked for 5 years. I support him because he helps around the house and because I dread living alone. Nevertheless, I feel quite taken advantage of. I feel he is using me, and I don't like that I allow it. For the life of me, I cannot see a happy future.

In my experience, open marriage and other alternative relationships come with a very, very high price - emotionally and materially. Too often the "other" male or female is unconsciously looking for a relationship in which s/he can invest minimum and receive maximum. Some people are just really good at spotting a caretaker and taking full advantage of the situation.

[Confusedinomicon]

I've seen open relationships work but you can't see it in the mindset of so and so is cheating...

That said I would kick him out if he's not contributing to Wellfare of the family unit. He should be contributing emotionally and physically (even cleaning the house when possible) and if he is doing nothing it's like having an ungrateful child.

[healingme4me]

Know what strikes me, at the very beginning, talking about the honesty of open marriages and on and on(don't feel op views, but the words describing benefits) and great communication. The argument for, nearly implies that the monogamous sect cannot have deep intimacy, trust,communication. I write that, because of the parts about communication.

They aren't for me, open relationships.

Know of a couple, it works for them, good people, just, it's their choice, they seem content as a couple.