[kirby777]

Hi-

I have treated bf's teenage son very well. I take his part when he fights with his father, try to help him so his father will not yell at him, answered his very deep questions (mostly pertaining to father), told him he could come to me at any time & I would try to help him, etc.

Well, this teen has turned on me and has told his father he does not want me saying "X, Y, & Z" to him. Father tells me. I was shocked as XYZ are total out of context. I tell this to BF, he of course does not believe me, and tells me if his teen has any deep questions to "be an adult and tell him to call me(Father)". I said to bf, the questions are mostly about you.

What I think is occurring is teen (15) wants bf to date a family friend....but I am in the way. This kid can be mean and rude. Once he said to me. "EFF my dad, I am doing this". Nothing bad, but against bf's rules. And since I have no children this is fact is thrown in my face every chance. I KNOW blood is thicker than water.

What do I do?

Thanks!

[winter4me]

I think you made a mistake getting in between father and son, taking anyone's side at all. You won't win this one.

[Maria38Divine]

I agree with Winter4me. I know you're probably trying to be the peacemaker and to also gain the trust of the child. However, it's risky to come between a child and his biological parent. His father is responsible for setting the rules, disciplining and general guidance. Going against that may sabotage your relationship with your bf.

[waiting4]

What should you do? Well the above posters are right on the money...so the ONLY thing you can TRY (cause there is no guarantee it will work) is to apologize to your bf, tell him you were only trying to help / be the peace maker but going forward you will abide by his wishes, since he IS the father, and will referr any questions such as those you tried to field, back to your bf.

I would also add to the bf, that it is because you don't have kids of your own, that while you only mean well, you do stumble sometimes and would appreciate if he can help you understand a few things regarding the rearing of a 15 year old, which is tough for anyone. AND, you are AWARE you have no kids, so being reminded of it in the manner your being reminded (snide comments?) is not helpful.

Say all of this in a non-threatening sit down with your bf...do NOT go on the defensive if he decides to be pouty. Will it feel like you're being a suplicant? Probably....but you stepped out of line. So suck it up, and apologize, and then set the boundries that should have been set between you and your bf's son...preferably, with the bf's input. In FRONT of the son. So everyone is on the same page.

Take care...

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by kirby777

Hi-

I have treated bf's teenage son very well. I take his part when he fights with his father, try to help him so his father will not yell at him, answered his very deep questions (mostly pertaining to father), told him he could come to me at any time & I would try to help him, etc.

Well, this teen has turned on me and has told his father he does not want me saying "X, Y, & Z" to him. Father tells me. I was shocked as XYZ are total out of context. I tell this to BF, he of course does not believe me, and tells me if his teen has any deep questions to "be an adult and tell him to call me(Father)". I said to bf, the questions are mostly about you.

What I think is occurring is teen (15) wants bf to date a family friend....but I am in the way. This kid can be mean and rude. Once he said to me. "EFF my dad, I am doing this". Nothing bad, but against bf's rules. And since I have no children this is fact is thrown in my face every chance. I KNOW blood is thicker than water.

What do I do?

Thanks!

i would try to keep from getting between father and son, dangerous waters there..it could end badly.

people sometimes get really protective of the relationship they have between them and their children

[Bill3]

It is not your place to answer deep questions about his father, or to counsel the son in any way.

[Perna]

I think you do the best you can, being as helpful as you feel comfortable, interacting with this teenager and don't take him too seriously. You are an adult, so I would not take bf's advice necessarily either, would accept his opinions/desires are his but take issue with how he spoke to you. You are your own person in relation to everyone you are in contact with, your bf does not "own" his son nor you any more than his son's ideas/desires of what your bf should do are more than his ideas/desires. I would not be "hurt" by anyone asking but not taking my advice or making stuff up about me (especially a teen/child) or whatever. If you do feel hurt by the son, I would not give him any more advice? Sounds like he does not want it?

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by Perna

I think you do the best you can, being as helpful as you feel comfortable, interacting with this teenager and don't take him too seriously. You are an adult, so I would not take bf's advice necessarily either, would accept his opinions/desires are his but take issue with how he spoke to you. You are your own person in relation to everyone you are in contact with, your bf does not "own" his son nor you any more than his son's ideas/desires of what your bf should do are more than his ideas/desires. I would not be "hurt" by anyone asking but not taking my advice or making stuff up about me (especially a teen/child) or whatever. If you do feel hurt by the son, I would not give him any more advice? Sounds like he does not want it?

Perna, I respectfully, but forcefully disagree. The natural parent of a child will always (or should always) think of and consider the needs/wants of that child until it is an adult and out of the parental home. Girlfriends, come and go (as do bf's and sometimes husbands) but that child MUST take precedence over any other relationship.

The fact is, as well meaning as she was, she f**ked up. No parent would accept a bf, or gf doing what she did, which for all purposes of intent, was interferring in the place that rightly belonged to the father.

I'm speaking from experience. My bf (eventual husband) had to learn this is just the way it is. He was NOT my childrens biological father and therefore did NOT have the right to disipline them against my wishes, nor give advice without me knowing what it was...period. They were MY responsibility. He eventually accepted that, but it wasn't until he had his OWN children, did he fully understand. And actually thank me for setting him straight a few years later.

[~Christina]

Oh the joys of a relationship and dealing with children from a previous marriage .. My husband and I both had kids when we got together and him and I sat down and really discussed how we could blend the family ... We agreed that he deals with his and I deal with mine .. If he or I were gone and one of the kids was doing something harmful of course we stepped in to stop it .. but pother than that he handled his 3 boys and I handled my daughter .

I agree with the others that advised you to sit down and talk to your boyfriend about all this and set boundaries .

Good luck

[kirby777]

Thanks for all of the responses!

I have not been on in awhile, so I am just reading these. Perhaps I AM clueless about children, but I do not see how I "EFF'd up".

So I will explain further.....when teen asks me the deep questions, about father, I do not want to answer them. S would keep asking me over and over, "What would you do?" and questions of this type. My answer was, not verbatim but on the order of, "I am not your parent, and you know I do not have children, and then give the most neutural , blah, non commital answer I could give him.". I never enforce rules(which are are none), call the father when I think something is going which should not, and only want to treat the S as I believe I would want someone to treat my child if I had one.

I DO love the idea of having a sit down w/ the 3 of us as to what the rules are for me when I am alone w/ son....which at this point, I am trying very hard not to be. I think it is unfair for me to help the father by being @ his home while he is @ work & S is home, without knowing the rules....this is unfair. I do know blood is thicker than water, and wants him to put his child first.

Thanks for listening!

[waiting4]

I understand your confusion....trust me, if and when you have kids of your own, the truth of what we've said will come crashing down....that is not a cliche'.

And I agree, it is patently unfair to leave you with the child, alone while he is in work without clear direction...so yes, THAT conversation needs to be had as soon as possible and with the child in presence so there is no misunderstanding.

Kids love to play 'two ends against the middle'...which IS a cliche', whether with natural parents or step-parents and natural parents. I would save you the hurt and arguments that nearly always ensue. And don't be afraid to tell the child that you do not feel comfortable answering 'those' questions, and for him to seek advice from his father. And then leave it. Walk away if you need to.

He will attempt to pull that again, even after the 'talk'...so be aware. Noncommittal answers are still commited answers....because they ARE answers...most kids see that in black and white, and never really figure out the grey until they're adults.

Good luck!