ALWAYS another girl...

No matter how hard I try, guys just don't see me as relationship material. There is ALWAYS another girl who they find to have a better personality, is closer in proximity to them, or whatever other reason there may be.

I don't even think I'm that negative of a person. Cynical, definitely, but if all men want are happy-go-lucky ladies who smile all the time and are uber-friendly, then it's time for a reality check. I don't play any stupid dating games and am probably more honest about myself than most people on the first outing. I'm also fairly independent (live alone and earn enough to pay my own bills, etc.) and don't use men for the money they do (or don't) have.

Maybe I'm too honest. Maybe I don't show enough interest. Maybe whatever mental health issues I have are just that embedded in my personality and show through any facade I put up easily. Hell, maybe it is true that they're all just looking for a hookup and I fit the bill because I got lucky in the gene pool.

I have not been in an actual relationship in over 3 years, and the last one I was in was both my first and a horrible experience. With the exception of that one and a date set up by an old friend, all the dates I've been on were with guys I met on e-dating sites. I just don't know how to meet people the "traditional" way unless I'm thrown into situations with them (through school, work, etc.) and even then I can't pick up on when men take notice of me. It's sad that in a city of over 2 million people, I am all by myself.

I will not be surprised if when I die, I will die alone, old, and will not be discovered until a week or so later because I will have no one in my life to keep up with me.

I feel that way sometimes. I just broke up from a relationship that was several years long and awful for the last 3. I'm alone, independent (can pay my own bills) and actually prefer to be that way for now. It's not so bad to be a cynic--the humour is better, for one.

Try not to mark time. Try to find satisfaction in where you are (no matter where that is), if you do want to meet someone---people who are most approachable are people who are satisfied within themselves. I don't think you'll die old, alone, nor discovered weeks later...from your post, you sound a highly intelligent, clever person....just really really frustrated. I understand that frustration.

But we'll get thru it...in our OWN time...not time someone else has arbitrarily marked out for us to do so.

Take care *hugs*

Life can be really frustrating!

Just a question for you though - as you've said that you were lucky with the gene pool, I'm assuming that it means you are widely accepted as attractive, right? If so... a lot of otherwise great guys might be too shy to approach you as they might be afraid that you're going to shoot them down right away. Do you ever approach the guys that you're interested in and ask them out? Don't wait for them to show interest in you... show interest in them! (I'm not considered lucky in the gene pool, but I also allllways fail to notice when a guy has been interested in me. I've been on one official date, and one sorta unofficial date that I'd had no idea were dates at the time....haha)

Also, unfortunately with the pervasive sexism still present in most everywhere... a lot of guys will back down/be intimidated by "Attractive", smart, confident, independent women. Which really really sucks!!! But! Not all of them! What do you do with your social time? Like... any clubs, sports or hobbies that you take part in? Have any friends with similar interests as you to go to more places with instead of your usual haunts?

Sometimes I will be the first to show interest or send a message online, but as for offline, I don't pay any attention. Maybe that's one of the few ways my social anxiety manifests itself anymore. As for what I do in my social time, well... Most of the activities I enjoy are not very social. I read a lot, I write, I spend a lot of time cleaning my apartment... The most social activity I do is go to a few workout classes a week, and those are all women-only.

Unfortunately, I haven't managed to make or keep any friends since I moved here more than 5 years ago. :/ I try to talk to the other girls in my classes (as well as my instructors, since a lot of them are about the same age as me), but that's typically as far as it goes.

I can relate to what you're saying. It's been about 5 years since I've been in a relationship or even been able to keep friends. The thought of even making the transition to relationship now even feels kind of alien at this point. I've managed to swallow my anxieties for long enough to meet people a few times and am also generally lucky with the gene pool but after awhile I just can't keep up with their level of energy or hopefulness and one or both of us move along. I don't think I'm exceedingly negative either, but definitely not somebody who walks around smiling or putting a lot of energy into socializing or dreams for the future. I see a lot of guys fall into similar thinking traps "they don't like me because i don't have money, power, confidence, etc." but I feel like that line of thinking is ultimately destructive.

There are definitely men out there who aren't the type to insensitively ask a coworker or acquaintance things like "why don't you smile more?", blahblahblah. A lot of us would prefer somebody who's a little less sunny and a little more dark, or prone to melancholy/anxiety. And being independent and honest are amazing qualities. Would you want to get involved with somebody who didn't like the fact that you think, act, pay and work for yourself? You sound like quite a catch but it may be true that introversion and (maybe) mental illness means we take a little more patience to really get to know and move things forward. Though it's also true on those e-dating sites many people are just looking for a hook-up.

Anyway, just wanted you to know even though you may feel alone in the most literal sense, you're not alone. I believe there are a lot of people out there with the same struggles and it's way too easy to turn it inward/outward and make it into something way bigger than it probably is. I've been doing it for years, flopping back and forth between wanting to find a partner again and being absolutely convinced I'm going to die alone. The latter seems to become more and more likely with each year that passes but I kinda feel like it's a self-fulfilling prophecy in moments of honesty.

Sorry for the long response, it's something that's been on my mind lately too.

Hope you feel better.